Pat: K, I need girl advice.
Kris: Well shit, why are you coming to me?
Pat: You're a girl and you're the closest thing to a boy of any girl I know.
Kris: Uh... thanks?
Pat: It's a good thing, it means you'll tell me stuff in ways that I'll actually understand.
Kris: Otay. Dear Abby is here for you. Give 'er.
Pat: Alright... so... what the HELL do you girls WANT?
Kris: In general? Ponies, diamonds, rich old men who are ready to croak, fun socks, boyfriends who hold hands, pretty lipsticks, and shiny hair. Are you friggin' kidding?
Pat: Lol seriously. Jenn is always mad, and I don't know what I do to make her mad. What does she want from me?
Kris: Jenn is a girl's girl. She wants girly things. Pay lots of attention to her, tell her she's pretty (but only if you mean it), and stop becoming a douchebag when you drink, cuz it makes her cry. I've seen it.
Pat: Oh shit. It's true. I'm horrible.
Kris: Yep. As one of your guy friends, let me tell you... you've got a sweet girl with a damn fine ass. If she makes you happy, you need to wanna make her happy. It's pretty simple.
Pat: Kris, I'm in love with her. How'd that happen?
Kris: Cuz she made you fall on your ass and think differently about life. It's lovely. I'm happy for ya. :)
Pat: I can't screw it up. I'm gonna make her happy.
Kris: You damn well better.
Pat: So... fun socks and shiny hair?
Kris: Don't forget the ponies. Never forget the ponies.
(Grammar and puncuation FULLY edited by Kristen Goetz. Why can't boys spell?)