Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Picture Imperfect

I was looking through my pictures from this past winter, and came across a few that made me laugh for one reason or another.

This is one of my favourites.

New Years Eve - around 4-5am:

First of all, please draw your attention to the girly on the hotel hallway floor. That's Sam. She got there because she was trying to hold herself up horizontally between the two walls. Needless to say, she was unsuccessful.

Behind me, we have Miss Maggie using the wall to support her as she laughs her little butt off. She was in charge of lifting Sam's legs to execute the "wall stand" but she, also, was unsuccessful.

I can't quite be sure what Ken is doing. Dancing? Gesturing wildly? Dunno. To me, it looks like he just threw Sam over his head. I'm fairly certain he did not. I may have been wasted, but I'd remember that.

As for me, well... Not unlike usual, I'm just the chick with the beer, laughing at the randomness of my life. And off I went to find the boyfriend.

Ellen Squared

Is it weird that I kinda love Ellen Burstyn? Yeah, it's definitely weird. Especially since she's in the movie that ruined my life - The Excorcist. (I've made progress; there was a time when I couldn't even TYPE the title of that movie. Don't worry, my stupid weak-ass loser qualities will not rub off on you.)


So it isn't widely known that I think Ellen Burstyn kicks ass. I just think she's a cool lady. I do have one friend that knows, and they recently sent me a link to the trailer of The Stone Angel. I don't really pay much attention to new movies anymore, since I don't actually go out to see them like I used to. But I assume this one will garner some kind of interest, mainly due to the fact that Ellen Page is in it.

I'm ok with Ellen Page, especially since I tend to support Canadian actors where I can. She's a seemingly smart girl, even if her Juno role was a bit over-the-top as far as intelligent sounding wise-ass remarks go. That ain't her fault, I suppose.

So you adapt a movie from a best-selling book, add a movie veteran like Burstyn, throw in a cinematic "it" girl like Page, and take the finished product to a few film festivals. Does that guarantee success?

Yeah, that's right... It's Movie-Talk day at Shambled Ramblings Headquarters. Which pretty much just consists of myself, my computer, the voices in my head, and you people. But seriously, I'd like to know if this is a recipe for a best-seller. Ya never know... i may one day foray into movie-making.

Or not.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

An Ode To My Childhood

No description needed, I don't think.

If ya don't know it, you SHOULD.

And beware, a Swedish Chef post is pretty much inevitable... one day.

(Speaking of Swedish - Swedish subtitles.)

Monday, April 28, 2008

Choke Me In The Shallow Water, Before I Get Too Deep...

After this morning's fun-filled post, and a day of super happy awesome cranial meltdowns, I decided to do something constructive.

So I channeled the retired Dear Abby. No, she's not dead. This was not a seance, nor a go at the Ouija board. I merely used my magical mind powers to ask her advice. She was quite accommodating.

She told me that if something important is broken and you want it to be whole again, you must put the pieces back together carefully and build it up stronger than it was before.

So wise.

Yeah, ok. So maybe I was just talking to myself. Not so wise at all.

Either way, I'm investing in cases of Krazy Glue.

Beware people - if anyone gives me shit, I'll glue your body parts together. I've got some buildin' to do.

If You Just Let Me In, I Wouldn't Let You Break Down. Cuz I'm Breakin' Down.

I remember hearing, years ago, that most advice columnists end up with crazy personal problems because they can only give out advice to others - not to themselves.

Turns out it's true. Take my column away from me, I can't even tell myself what to do.

I am a fraud.

I guess it's so much easier to be objective when it's someone else who needs the help. Personal problems are just that - personal. Too personal, probably. You just can't step back and look at it the right way because your thoughts and feelings are far too involved.

So here I am, writing on my damn blog because I can't deal. I'm torn up and terrified. And I can't even seem to figure out what I'm supposed to do about it. How do you change what you hate, and how do you live with feeling like things are hidden from you?

Holy annoying post, Batman.

Where the shit is my Dear Abby? I think we need a chat.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Everything I Learned, I Learned From Sesame Street.

It's so strange to me that it's gonna be summer in no time.

Warm weather, patio beers, frizzy hair, tan lines.

My favourite.

This past year has been so crazy for me; so many changes, ups, downs, insanity.

Friggin' whirlwind.

Let's take a look back to see what Kristen has learned since last spring, shall we?

- Gut instincts are rarely wrong.
- Sometimes asshats really are just asshats.
- Your friends always need you, even when they don't realize it.
- Chance meetings can prove to be the most important kind.
- Car batteries can and will die in the same driveway twice.
- Insecurity is contagious.
- If someone goes through four cars in two years, you should stop their drinking problem or DUMP them.
- I'm no longer afraid of dogs.
- Big Macs and Fat Girl Platters are more addictive than the public realizes.
- The St. Catharines Rut is truly inevitable. Flee at once.
- Age ain't nuthin' but a number. Well that, and a gauge for how long you've been alive.
- It's easy to make great friends in a short time.
- I still suck at cooking.
- The person you need comes along when you think you don't need anyone.
- My list obsession has gotten out of hand.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Crazy... But That's How It Goes.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I make myself laugh.


Simply by thinking of random stupid things that others probably wouldn't get.

And then,

when I stop and tell myself "Kris, you're a dumbass. You're laughing at yourself",

I laugh all over.

At the mere fact that I'm a loser.

Does that make me a crazy person?


You're all just jealous cuz I'm funnier than you.

I understand.

A Chick of Questionable Intents

Time to answer the last 5 questions of that questionnaire, as requested by the Crayfish/Fishlips/Mackerel fella. Whatever, henceforth he is Le Poisson Farfelu.

Moving on...

6. If you could only have one, would you want money or love?

This question is so common now. I always say love, because I'd rather be happy and poor than rich and miserable. But that's only if it's the kinda love that you KNOW is "it". If my options are either a flash-in-the-pan temporary relationship, or shitloads of cash... well, hell. Take a guess.

7. Do you have any regrets?

Oh boy. Do I ever. I am the Queen of Regrets and Second-Guessing. Come visit my kingdom in The Land of Indecision, where we will bask in the sun and swim in the Lake of Past Mistakes.
In other words, yes. Me & regrets know each other well.

8. Are you trustworthy?

I tend to be trustworthy to a fault. I can be overly honest, and shoot myself in the ass because of it. It's important for me to earn people's trust, because I am so untrusting. I trust almost no one, and yet I do what I can to ensure that they can and will trust me. I'm a bitch, let's not act surprised here.

9. Do you believe in true love? And if so, does everyone have one?

Eek. These questions are loaded. You're bringin' down my blog, man! Ha.

Yeah, I believe in it. And I've always stupidly believed that everyone has a person who is right for them; someone they're supposed to be with. I'm fairly certain it's complete bullshit, but hey... a chick can dream. More than once in my life I thought I had the "one true love", and it didn't work out that way. So it's hard to believe in it. But I'm trying.

10. When you die, what do you want to have accomplished in your life?

Mostly,the simple normal stuff. A solid marriage with a good man I adore, a couple of kids who inherit my taste in music and far surpass my basic intelligence, a successful writing career, etc. I wouldn't mind if the aging process stopped at 25, either. Oh, and a concert list to be envious of. Ah, screw it... I just wanna be happy. That's tough enough.

Thanks Dan "the non-commenter" for the questions.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Like A Twister, I Was Born To Walk Alone

Single malt whiskey
Solo act
Freestanding structure
CD Single
One-piece bathing suit
The Lone Ranger
The Only Gay Eskimo
David Lee Roth
One shot deal

Proof that self-sufficiency and independence can work. AKA - "bitch don't need NObody..."


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Video Fun Part Two - Drunkaoke

An embarrassing, if not sad, karaoke performance of Hole's version of Gold Dust Woman, taken about a month ago. One of many songs that me and Leah attempted that night.

Please note that I am only posting THIS video, and not the others, because you can't hear me much. But you can watch my spastic dance moves!

Moral of the story - Kristen should never get drunk and then sing in front of people she knows, yet she continues to do so.

I'll Take "Lazy" For 500, Alex

I'm far too lazy to think of anything to write today. So instead, I'll post answers to a questionnaire that a blog reader sent me last week.

1. What do you want people to remember you for?

For my cosmic awesomeness, I think. Seriously, I'm not sure. Hopefully as a good friend, an honest person, and maaaybe as an author who published best-selling novels (?). But I'll probably just be remembered as "that chick who knew the lyrics to everything, and would randomly scream them in public."

2. What makes you uncomfortable?

Conversations about money or drugs, oddly enough. Only in certain situations, but when someone is speaking casually and nonchalantly about one or the other, I tend to clam up and not speak. If it's a serious conversation, that's different. But yeah. Money and drugs. Go figure.

3. Who is most important to you?

Well, that's just gonna get me in trouble. Obviously Craig is important as my 'other half', Leah is important as my family and best chick, Steph is my important older sister, the list goes on. There are different levels of importance. (Notice I'm only naming people who read this? I'm not stupid!)

4. Where do you see yourself a year from now?

At my computer posting a questionnaire to my blog, feeling the oddest sense of deja vu and the nagging sensation that I failed somewhere along the line.

Or moved away, makin' money, and hopefully succeeding at being Happy Kristen. Maybe both.

5. You have three days to live - what do you do?

Day 1 - Force the boyfriend to spend the entire day doing stupid fun things, and act like complete assholes. Day 2 - Make time for all the people who are closest to me. Day 3 - Have a big damn all-day fiesta with everyone I care about. And then, y'know.... I die.

Today I suck at time management, and don't have time to answer the other 5 questions. Oh well, I've bored you enough.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Shpring Has Shprung


I hadn't realized that my last post was on Wednesday.

Je m'excuse. Not that anyone noticed, but just in case.

I've been in Toronto all weekend with the boy. I'm becoming a Puck Bunny Extraordinaire. Or perhaps a Puck Bunny Uber-Ordinaire, but either way.

One notable fact about this weekend - we completely refrained from any crazy drunk nights. Hard to believe, I'm sure, but completely true. As it turns out, we still like each other without the assistance of blurred senses due to delicious hops and barley. It's ok to be proud of us - I am.

Ok, you're done reading this post now. Go outside, it's beautiful.

I mean it. Go, damn you!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Her Hitler Hairdo Is Makin' Me Feel Ill...

I would really like to know how Radiohead tickets went on sale and SOLD OUT without me even knowing.

Why did no one ring the doorbell on the rock that I've been living under?

I've been waiting for tickets to go on sale, yet I stupidly didn't pay attention. Oy vey. In the words of some band I may have wanted to see, but oddly forget the name of "you do it to yourself, you do..."


In other news, I'd like this week to be over. It's been another shit-tastic day in a fully shit-tastic week. The kinda week that makes a person feel out of place in their own skin.

Time for the "fake happy in public" face. Yaaaay!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


I'd like to retract part of my last post.

"Content"? "Positive'"? Clearly I was delusional, there's no way I was speaking about myself.

That didn't take long at all, huh?

I've said it once, I'll say it again: I'm a certified fuck-up.

Bon nuit.

A Part Of Me Gets Sick, A Part Of Me Gets Sore...

Being sick and cooped up in the house does not make for a happy chick. Not in the slightest.

It's too easy for me to resort to my hermit ways; hiding from people, allowing myself to become depressed and crazy. I'm not letting it happen this time. I'm making a conscious effort to try to stay content and somewhat positive.

For today, at least. Tomorrow may be another story.

I'm stupidly boring right now, so no dumb tidbits of info or random rants for this evening. Yes, I can hear your sigh of relief. Thank me by way of beer.

p.s.- "Who The Hell Is Kristen Goetz"

Thanks Chris!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Blog Dialogue

I was contacted by Chris, the owner of, last week and he asked me to answer some questions for his site.

It's pretty odd to me when I need to answer questions as a "blogger", because I still don't consider myself one. This isn't a blog, it's a mash up of things that no longer have room in my brain.

Like an external hard drive, if you will.

Nevertheless, here the questions be:

Respect Walk

This past Sunday, some of my family and I did the MS Walk, as we do every year.

Our team, named for my aunt, is "Ginny's Hope". We won "Best Team Name" this time around.

The boy came down and did the walk with me, which I'm incredibly thankful for.

Crazy McNulty chicks.

Craig doesn't know what he's gotten himself into. My mom looks like she's up to something!

He went to get a balloon for me (yeah, I know he's cute), and made friends with a little boy. The local newspaper came by and snapped a shot of the pair, and assumed Craig was the boy's dad.
Hmm... Guess I'm a stepmom to a child I never knew about.

Me, my balloon flower, and my manboy... ready to go home.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Your Time Is Gonna Come

It's time for Kristen's Annoying Pet Peeve Ramble! Yes, I know... again.

Today, ladies and gents, I must rant about how much men piss me off. Not all men, of course. Some are lovely creatures, truly.

The ones that make me wanna pull out my hair and choke them to death with it are a very specific breed. I believe the technical term for them is "Dudes With Girlfriends Who Try To Pick Up Other Girls Behind Their Chicks' Backs"

Or DWGWTTPUOGBTCB's, if you will.

Seriously, they are the scum of the earth. And as far as I can tell, they're multiplying.

About 8 out of 10 guys who hit on me (or try their damndest), I later find out have girlfriends or wives. When confronted about it, they act like you should be flattered by it and think maybe that little factoid will help their chances to journey forth into your pantal regions.

Honestly, does that work?

It makes me sick. Especially since many of these asshats act like the perfect boyfriend when their woman is in their presence. The poor oblivious girl has no idea, because her guy gives her no reason to doubt him.

These "men" give the good guys a bad rap, and cause girls like me to become further untrusting.

As much as I may joke about this subject, and try to lighten it a bit... it really is a big thing to me. Why do people keep their significant others, if they're just gonna go out and look for more? Many women are guilty of this too.


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I Know This World Is Killing You...

I'm getting pretty sick of myself.

Is it possible to evict yourself from your own head?

Or divorce yourself due to 'irreconcilable differences'?

If so, I need a damn good lawyer.

Every day I have patterns, like so:

Sad, Happy, Sad
Negative, Positive, Negative
Hopeful, Shot Down, Hopeful
Bitchy, Bitchy, Bitchy.

I need Nancy Drew to come and solve The Case of Kristen's Missing Awesomeness.

She can bring those cute Hardy Boys, too. I'm sure they'll lift the mood.

If she can't hack it, I'm looking out for the Mystery Machine next.

That Velma knows her shit.

She's With The Band

Looking through my bajillion pictures (yes, bajillion. Give or take a couple)

I've noticed a trend....

An addiction, if you will...

And it's borderline severe.

Band t-shirts.


The sad part is that many of my band t-shirts have never been photographed.

Methinks I need help.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Hi... I'm in Delaware...

Reading my blog site stats, it floors me to see how many people from other countries are reading this.

People from Italy, Poland, United Kingdom, Chile, the Netherlands, Germany, and New Zealand.

They read my half-assed blog and probably think "Wow. Canadian chicks are strange. Remind me not to visit."

While I'm thinking, "New Zealand? Bret, Jemaine, Murray, is that YOU?"

It's true, I have a one-track mind.

Kristen's goin' global.

I apologize for the inevitable drop in tourism here, but you should probably blame the interweb if your business suffers.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

I'm Dating Webster

While perusing the Urban Dictionary, I came across an interesting little gem of a definition:

1. lovehead


1. Initial state of being in love.

2. Behavioral condition of attraction often resulting in constant obsessive behavior, and general emotional euphoria.

While not being able to fully admit she had fallen in Love, Kristen was content to admit she was full on Lovehead over her new man!

by Craig007 Toronto Dec 13, 2007 email it

Yeah, that's right. Not only is the boyfriend well-versed in urban slang (?), he's also a definition-writer.

Possibly also a fortune teller, trained assassin, and life coach to the stars.

Friday, April 4, 2008

"I Gave Her My Heart, & She Gave Me A Pen"

This, my friends, is Lloyd Dobler (played by John Cusack, obviously).

He is apparently the reason for disappointed chicks everywhere. The perfect imperfect man.

In his ever-present Clash t-shirt, beige trench coat and high tops, playing "In Your Eyes" on his boombox outside the home of the woman he loves.

The problem with this character is that so many ladies have decided "that's the kinda guy I want", and have failed to find him.

My friends and I have discussions all the time about finding our "Lloyd Dobler" amongst the neverending sea of assholes. The truth is that there are guys like him - sweet, loving, hotly geeky, and willing to do whatever it takes for their relationship.

Most girls overlook them.

My boyfriend has some Lloyd-like qualities about him, but I gotta wonder if I would've passed him by if he was a full-out Dobler.

Who knows.

Here's to all the good guys out there. I hope you find women worthy of you, unlike Lloyd did.

Diane Court was an ungrateful bitch.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Oh My God, Becky.. Look At Her Butt...

Dear Fat Girl Platter,

I feel that it is time we broke up.

I know. I'm sad, too.

But the truth is, you're far too delicious. My ass expands from my love for you. Or no, that might just be from your ludicrous fat content. But either way... Our late night dates will surely be missed.

When the waitress automatically knows that I want you, and she even knows my nickname for you, well... that tells me I have a problem. A Fat Girl problem.

And so, this must end. I won't be visiting, not for awhile. I need some time to get over you, and maybe to lose a couple of the pounds you packed on me. Please don't try to contact me; it's better this way.

Give the mozza sticks my regrets.



Big Macs... you're next.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Sometimes I DO Get Off My Ass

A few years ago, my aunt was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

So now, every year the majority of my mom's side of the family gets together and participates in the MS Walk to raise funds.

It's actually a fun little walk around Port Dalhousie and surrounding neighbourhoods.

If anyone wants to sponsor me or our team, let me know. Every little bit is appreciated.

Or, if you want to JOIN us onthe walk, sign up here:

Everyone is welcome to join our team.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Love In Toronto, Niagara Style...

The first article for my new advice column has come out.

It's very strange.

I've written a bajillion articles before, but this one seems much more personal.

So, here it is:

If you read it, be honest. I can handle if it's crap.

...I think.
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