Friday, May 30, 2008

Fat Bottomed Girls, You Make The Bloggin' World Go 'Round

Yesterday I got a shirt in the mail from another website I blog for.

Special.
Did I say shirt?

Pretty sure I meant dress.

Why is it that everytime I get a shirt from people I write or blog for, they're always huge? This is probably the smallest of the bunch. And it was the smallest size they had.

When a 'shirt' covers the entirety of your ass, it is no longer considered a shirt.

Is it a common belief that writers and bloggers are large people?

I was not aware of that.

Duly noted.

Why yes, I have.

Stop pressuring me.

Love,

The Fatass Writer

Thursday, May 29, 2008

When The Kids Had Killed The Man, I Had To Break Up The Band

It's now officially official.

Goodbye to...

- St. Catharines
- my family
- my beloved Booze Crew of amazing friends
- my backyard and porch swing
- the house I've lived in all my life
- Port Dalhousie summers
- best friend/cousin living two blocks away
- Fat Girl Platters
- some of the greatest people I've ever known

but also goodbye to...

- drama
- The St. Catharines Rut
- living in limbo
- a past that never disappears
- long-distance relationships

Hello to Toronto.

To my boyfriend. My sister and her fiance. New jobs and more opportunities.

The countdown is on, bitches. Kristen's on the move.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Patrick Swayze Uses Illegal Parts

My love of Sebastian Bach is well-documented.

Add Trailer Park Boys, camping in a parking lot, and Patrick Swayze trains, and you're a golden god.

"Hello California! You are crazy! We are Scorpions! Rock you like a hurricaaaane!"

Yeah. I'm cool.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Visitor Warning

If you come to visit me, and leave things at my house

I take ownership of them.

Take these glasses for example. They are now mine.

I don't need em.

But I'll still wear em cuz they're mine.

I may even put my hair up and dance around to "Hot For Teacher" should the feeling hit me.

That sounds like something I'd do.

So, Vicky, I'm holding your glasses ransom.

If you'd like to have them back, you're gonna have to visit me again soon.

Get in your car, and drive here from London.

Now.

Cuz you miss me. And your spectacles.

Please hurry.

Glasses don't suit me.

And I'm starting to go cross-eyed.

Friday, May 23, 2008

If I Only Could, I'd Make A Deal With God... & I'd Get Him To Swap Our Places


When it comes to important decisions, I tend to let myself down. While I'm fairly opinionated about most things, I fail at making choices that affect me personally and I can't completely trust myself to stick with them. Someone is likely to lead me the other way, and I'm likely to allow it.

Gotta love a perpetual state of confusion.

Most of the things that I have ever truly believed in have let me down in one way or another. So now, when I decide to do something and have my heart set on it, I then turn around and second guess myself. Daily. Sometimes hourly.

I am easily persuaded by those I care about, and I think that's my downfall. Somewhere along the line I started to doubt my own thoughts. I can't be sure what ideas are mine and what was slyly put in my head by someone who may not want what's truly best for me.

It has put me in a bad place. Important changes are happening right now, some that the people closest to me don't even realize exist. Because of past experiences, I'm apprehensive when it comes to making these changes. How do I choose the best route?

Rock, Paper, Scissors doesn't work when you're alone.

Excuse me while I go find a coin to toss.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I Watched A Change In You; It's Like You Never Had Wings

I'm home again, from another Toronto visit.

Lately I'm over there more than I'm here.

Makes sense. Eventually, that's how things are gonna be.

Job hunting from a different city is a very strange thing. Everyday I find tons of them that I have the experience to do; the only problem is that I don't LIVE there yet.

I need to have a job there before I move, but I can't really get a job without living there.

It's the chicken and the egg thing, as Craig says.

Frustrating, to be sure.

Ah, it'll work out. I think.

And after the re-location, I'll no longer be a part-time Torontonian.

Weird.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

We're Standing On Stage With Our Microphones, But We Don't Play Guitars

After the past few days of arguments, odd run-ins, and new unfortunate things learned,

Kristen is stressed and unable to chill out.

Hopefully tonight that will change.

A party with close friends can usually only mean good times, unless of course drama ensues.

If it does tonight, heads will roll.

My guitar is re-strung and ready to go. As per the plan, I'm hoping tonight someone will further teach me how to play the damn thing.

If I decide to get serious about learning it (which I'd like to), that means bye bye nails and hello calloused fingers. Not to mention dedication, cuz I'm fairly certain I won't have the knack right away.

See Kristen, See Kristen play guitar....

See Kristen suck.

Let's see if I'm right.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Intervention



One of the worst feelings in the world is when a hugely important person in your life gives you a talk, and the underlying message is that "you're a failure".

They mean well, they want the best for you; that's really the point of the speech. But the hidden message is that you're living in a dream world and need to re-focus on reality. When friends and family are concerned for you, and worried about your direction, it's a very frustrating feeling.

In my head, I know what I want. I know what I'm capable of. But I lack the confidence to get it. That was brought up multiple times, and it was even suggested that I seek help to instill the right confidence in myself. The problem, as it was told to me, is that he knows I'm smart. He considers me to be intelligent beyond my years, but without confidence and a set goal it goes to waste.

He's right. So I give up.

It's time to become another drone.

These past couple of days have flip-turned damn near everything for me. A sign of things to come?

Lovely.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Praise The One Who Left You Broken Down & Paralyzed... He Did It All For You.

Perspective is a funny thing.

It astounds me how a small incident, one seemingly insignificant occurrence, can change it. Or sometimes it's a person that does.

For me, I find that new people in my life change my thoughts about past people; past people come back and change my perspective about new ones. It's like a cycle of worlds colliding that leaves me stuck in the present, confused and questioning.

Last night was shaping up to be another rotation in the cycle, but it turned out quite different.

I ran into someone from my past, someone who was so important to me that they consumed my world for years. They gave me some of the happiest times in my life, as well as some of the most painful. It made me sad to talk to him and remember that we were once so positive that we'd be each other's future - we had no question about it. And now we are the past, and rightfully so.

I have to say I was also relieved. Realizing that I have no regrets or residual feelings for him was liberating in a way. I've never been good at moving on, and this time I have entirely.

At the same time, it was bittersweet. Recollecting about how fully we were immersed in each other before and knowing how we are now, I question how long it'll be before I lose faith entirely. Maybe nothing truly works out.

Seeing the same demons in him that caused our failure, I appreciate my current relationship further. Being sad about past 'definites' that turned into 'impossibles' can't keep me from trying again. It usually would, but I refuse to allow that.

In the end, it's all about perspective. I'm thankful for that, at least.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Weekend Update: The Extended Picture Version

As usual, my "weekend" visit to Toronto became a 5-day stay.

Always unplanned, but usually happens.

It was a good time.

So, now that I'm home, the first order of business? Pictures. Yeah my predictability is, well... predictable.

For those of you that know my boyfriend, allow me to unveil his new look as Guy Incognito.

Because...
his hair...

is
GONE!

And I dig it.

We ate like fat kids, which is nothing new.

His 'hood had a major garage sale. Fun things were purchased.


Dog park time.

My favourite picture of the moment.


Off to the Rhino for dinner...

Which turned into drinks.

The old school Red Wings jersey the boy got me. I don't follow the Red Wings, but he fell in love with the shirt. It's cute, dammit.


Mr. CBC looks like he's bowling. Is there bowling at the Beijing Olympics? Hmm.

Then to some other bar in Liberty Village. I'm gonna call it the Brazen Hussy, although it's not.

And now, back in St. Catharines. This double life is tiring.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Blah.

I'm off to Toronto for the weekend, haven't been there in three long weeks.
Yikes.
I gotta go and see my boy...

Oh. Maybe this boy too, I guess.

Have a good weekend people! Word to your mothers.

Pssst....


Apparently I should be doing some word-spreading for my advice column for Love in Toronto.

I'm no good at that. But I've been told that I need to learn.

I've also been informed that it's getting good numbers; people are reading it, no thanks to my lack of personal marketing.


But still. Read it. Gimme feedback. And remember that I'm not allowed to be mean - it's disappointing, really.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Sucks To Your Ass-Mar

The older I get, the more I realize why it is that I often come across as an angry bitch. Especially in my blog pictures.

For the most part I am not one. For the most part.

But the faces I make tend to cause people to think differently. I am the Queen of the Bitchface. You can call me Bitchface for short, I know you want to.

So allow me to help you lovely folks read me.

The face I'm making above is often misconstrued. It's not an angry face. It's more vacant and bored than anything. The thinned out lips say it all.


If I make this face at you - I'm annoyed, and frustrated, and may start throwing sharp objects shortly. You can almost see the pissed off sigh.

My face is usually stuck like this. Sometimes it can't be helped. Can't really guide you on this one, cuz it could pretty much mean anything.

Either I'm wishing you a slow and painful death, or I'm doing my facial exercises. Proceed with caution.

Another realization I came to long ago...


I am a nutjob.

And I'm not entirely sure how I have any friends.

Movie Time Again - Now With More Sand!

I remember when Supersize Me came out, and everyone freaked. I never actually saw it, but I guess it changed a few minds and diets. As a Big Mac addict, I thought it would be better if I avoided that screening. The same director has another movie coming out, and he took a different direction from featuring just an artery-terrorist.

Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? is his new movie. In it, he is obviously on the hunt for Bin Laden. From the looks of it, it'll actually be pretty funny; apparently it has serious tones to it too (I guess it's a bit impossible not to), shedding light on some unknown Middle Eastern ways.

From what I've read, even though much of the film is meant to be amusing, there are some really honest points in the movie that were completely unplanned and unprepared for. There's bound to be some backlash for combining serious world issues with tongue-in-cheek humour, but that will probably just promote sales.

Are you gonna go see it, or avoid it because camels freak you out? Damn camels...

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I'm Watchin' Everything I Do, And They're Watchin' Everything I Say

"Hey, I'd like to daze away to a place no one has known;
In a state of mind, I could call mine
And only I could own"

One of my favourite songs from when I was younger, thanks to my big seester.

The video doesn't have the intro, which I love. So of course, being the lyric whore that I am:

"All alone the broadening skies,
Under the every night I will lie.
Scratching claw and grip the rails,
Every day my living hell.
Oh God you know I've tried
I know how hard I tried,
and oh I tried...... "

Le sigh.

The whole song always made sense to me. I dig it, still.

I only wanted to be 16... and free, yeah.

And If I Went With You I'd Disappoint You, Too...

Right now I am wishing for an "off" switch to my brain.

Damn, could I have used it last night. I was awake the entire night, not falling asleep until 8am. I woke up at 9, so that was fairly uneventful.

Reading didn't work, TV didn't work, nothing could stop my incessant overthinking long enough to get some friggin' rest.

There's just too much goin' on in my head. I'm stressing out and confusing myself, worrying about things that have happened, and more that may happen. I'm a relationship idiot.

That's all fine 'n dandy, but why can't I do the thinking during the day?

Everything is just so much worse at night. It's like I become temporarily insane.

So today, I am a zombie. Still stressing and overthinking, but mostly just dead. It's been a shit-tastic day, but I'm hoping it will get better when I'm out with friends tonight.

Yes, that's right. I'm gonna go out instead of lying awake in bed. Seems like a better waste of time & energy.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Shopping Shoppers, Crash Crash Crash.

In keeping with my recent blog posts about mindless fluff, here is some more.

I never go shopping. I'm not a good shopper, I get really bored, and I never find what I'm looking for. I only fare well when I have someone pointing things out to me.

So, since I need a crapload of new clothes (that's right - a crapload), I went shopping with my friend Maggie yesterday. I was intending to buy new skirts, sundresses, jeans, and rings.

But gee golly, I didn't end up with any of that.

Instead, I bought...
Another frickin' "bar" top. (although, this one is wunderbar for fat days, girlies.)

3 more t-shirts and another wifebeater. (Note: I do not endorse the beating of wives; husbands may be another story.)


and FIVE damn necklaces. Why five? I dunno. Don't ask me. Apparently I'm some kind of asshole who needed five more necklaces to add to her collection. Couldn't even find one ring that wasn't tacky as hell. Also, I already own one of these necklaces. But a person who shall remain nameless ripped it off of me when I was drunk and I stupidly couldn't get it off of my neck.



The point - I need help. I need someone who is good at this to help me with my shopping idiocy. Thank you.

Monday, May 5, 2008

They Ripped Away My Memories, & I Can't Remember Who I Was Before.

As it is Monday, and my brain is still in Weekend Mode, let's make this post simple - shall we?

Another ode to one of my loves - list-making.

The Famously Infamous Miss Goetz:

- Is quite proud of the fact that her family genetics allow their hair to defy gravity, as per picture.
- Is currently looking for Toronto jobs, or Toronto-based writing/telecommuting jobs. Yep. Phase 1 begins, folks.
- Thinks that everything is gonna be changing in the next little while.
- Needs to get her ass outside. Maybe the rest of her, too.
- Is hearing voices coming from her speakers AGAIN. Male, this time.
- Isn't quite on Cloud 9, but is visiting Cloud 7 for awhile.
- Wonders when her new Alice In Chains t-shirt is coming in.
- Should've made herself a copy of the CD she made for Leah - "Hymns From The Uterus" (If you don't know why, don't ask).
- Is glad that Kyle comes home from Australia today, cuz the crew missed him.
- Is obsessed with fun cleaning products. It's sad.
- Is still counting up all the bonus points that her manboy racked up on Saturday.
- Needs to go eat food. And so she will.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Leah's birthday weekend has now officially come to a close.

We started with dinner at Sahla Thai on Friday night.


I had fun on my pineapple and shrimp hunting expedition. They didn't have a chance.
And the Crab Rangoon apps - caloric deliciousness. Oh man.

We shouldn't be allowed in public, especially not restaurants. Inappropriate conversations and uber loudness may or may not have emptied the place out.

Next, it was bar hop time. I stayed sober, but did enjoy some chair dancing/racing.

Night Two - the actual bar night.

Was super happy to see a few of my favourite guys that I haven't seen in awhile...

And then, the shock that made my night.
The boyfriend drove down from Toronto to surprise me at the bar, after I was sad that he couldn't come.
Gotta love him. I couldn't have been happier.
They don't make guys better than these two, lemme tell ya.

Rain = wet & frizzy.

Weekend over, time to sleep.

p.s. - Craig shielded me from the Fat Girl Platter. He's my defense against the addiction.
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