Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Friendly Giant Would Be Proud

I used to be a Floor Fixator.

Assuming no one has any idea what I'm talking about, allow me to explain.

When I was younger, I watched the floor as I walked. I couldn't help it. I found out when I was in highschool that people had different perspectives and ideas about my floor staring.

Some people, before they actually met me, thought that I stared at the floor because I was a bitch and had no need to make eye contact with any of the lowly humans around me.

Others knew that it was because I was just plain scared. In my own eyes, I was the lowly human.

Over the years, I've done my damndest to change that. It's no wonder some people took advantage of me - they could tell my weakness by taking one good look at me. How much self esteem can one person have, when they're too afraid to even look up in a crowd?

I hadn't thought about it too much. Until today.

Walking to work, I passed a woman who was staring at the ground ahead of her as she walked. Because I had noticed, I realized that meant my head was up.

In the past few months especially, I realize that I have made a conscious effort to keep my head up as I walk. It makes a difference.

When I pass the horrible gang dudes that yell disgusting things at me, or homophobic insults at others? My head's up. They can't know that I'm scared of them everyday, because I know what they'll do - I've seen 'em.

When I pass the bitchy predatory girls who automatically hate every other woman in a ten foot radius? My head's up. I look em in the eye, because my fear of them is long over.

Point is, I'm learning. And changing. And maybe becoming more like the tough-shit chick I'm really good at pretending to be.




And now I look up.


11 comments:

blepharisma said...

Didn't Daddy tell you that before you moved to TO? You have to walk with a purpose, otherwise you look like a target. That's what he told me. Someone (Grandma, I think) said I look regal. Hahaha.

Kris said...

Ha!

I think Dad always told me that I had to walk with purpose. But I didn't.

Now I hafta, or those guys are going to follow me around the village again. Either that, or I should learn karate. Hiiii-YA!

Masuka said...

..And I'll call Rusty.
That friendly Giant set is on display at work, you can stand beside it and whistle for Gerome... Bastard never comes though.

screetus said...

I tend to look down due to the large number of Torontonians who fail to pick up after their dogs. In the middle of the damn sidewalk.
Also the other day I almost stepped on a severed bird head at Yonge & Bloor. I would like to see the dog that crapped that out.

Kris said...

Masuka - Oh, how I loved that Friendly Giant. Where is it displayed?

screetus - Heh. Yeah, you hafta check for that. For some reason, in my hood, there're always dead birds. Probably because there are lots of dogs.

Mike D. said...

Maybe you were looking at peoples shoes.

Kris said...

That's always possible.

Or looking at my own, and thinking "Jesus. My shoes are old and crappy."

Born with a big mouth! said...

I use to do that too :) and your hair is WAY dark now!

Kris said...

Yep. Still not used to it!

Starin' Vail said...

I used to floor stare and still kinda do, although I force myself not to, like when I pass by people on the sidewalk but it winds up looking silly so I just sort of stay inside pretty much all the time and hide.

Kris said...

Me too.

Hence this blog. It's my way of pretending to have some semblance of a life.

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