Friday, November 13, 2009

It's Rude To Stair

It is widely known and well-documented how much I truly hate working out.

(See: here, here ...and, oh... here, too)

To summarize, the thought of excercising generally brings about this type of facial expression:

Yeah. Pure joy, really.

But alas and alack, while my metabolism has been MORE than gracious to me, I'm not getting any younger.

I have no muscles. I am weak. I am unhealthy.

Chick's gotta do some movin' or it's all downhill from here.

So what do you do when you hate the thought of joining a big stupid gym with confusing machines and judgy, judgy eyes?

You take the stairs, my friend. You take the stairs.

I live in a building with a lot of stairs. 15 floors, I think.

So I'm making use of what's right in my home.

I'm just starting out, so there hasn't been much to speak of yet. But I'm feeling it. And I know that running up, up, up and down, down, down as much as possible will be a lot better than the sitting, sitting, sitting, and eating, eating eating that I do.

I'm hoping that, in time, my ass will be so toned and lifted that it'll be reachin' for my neck.

(Yeah, I realize that made no sense. So?)

And if I ever want to travel and excercise on the go, I'll just borrow the Bluth Family Stair Car.

I hope to avoid hop-ons.


Aaron said...

My metabolism used to be my best friend, and while it still helps me out, it looks like it has decided to put the bulk of its energy into someone else younger and more fortunate than me. It really is depressing, especially when you look at pictures of yourself from 6 years ago and you were pretend svelt - unhealthy but showing no signs - but now you're planning the purchase of a treadmill and drawing up plans involving stupid workout regimens and bottles filled with Gatorade, all the while, dreaming about your wang falling off, the significance of which probably has to do with the fact you're way more ugly these days and have no use for it, because, really, if a wang falls in the forest, does anybody care?

Kris said...

Yes, Aaron.

I care.

Cuz if a wang falls in the forest, that thing's gonna get dirty. Maybe even fall on some poison ivy. And who wants a dirty, itchy wang?

Not me, sir. Not me.

Krista said...

Gyms are gross you're doing yourself a favor. Does this mean no more fat girl platters?

Kris said...

Oh no! There will always be Fat Girl Platters.

I doubt I'll ever stop eating fatty, greasy, deep fried things. I'll just have the run up more stairs.

k said...

This might suit your purposes. Just don't ignore the need for decent trainers. If you're serious , although from your pictures it doesn't appear that you have a problem, you can drop a lot by altering simple patterns. Instead of beer, vodka and a low sugar mixer. Get your sugar fixes by buying desserts marketed to diabetics.Higher meat/veg ratio as opposed to pasta /potato. Etc etc. Doesn't have to be hard.I'm not a big fan of gyms either. Unless I go at 5 am, there are too many distractions. I prefer free weights at home, but you need to allocate space for that.Good luck. far as increasing your strength, you could start with this

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Kris said...

k - I'm not looking for weight loss, just wanting to be healthier in general. I only weigh 118, and I'm 5' 8". I need to gain muscle.

I'll definitely check out those sites though. Thanks!

Anon - phishy phishy phishy...

Anonymous said...

Rude to "stair" versus "stare." Such impressive wordplay!

A woman after my own heart. Or dictionary.

Kris said...

I stol your dictionary. I'm sorry.

Your sandwich too, but I'm less sorry about that one.

ghost said...

its something like running four miles to burn off the calories in just one cup of mac n cheese.

Keir said...

Exercise sucks.

For me it's bearable on a bike. I even almost remember what that's like.

Kris said...

ghost - oh man. i'm screwed then.

Keir - I used to bike. But I'm scared of biking around busy Toronto streets. Haven't done it in years.

andrew said...

i tried this once and eventually gave up. then i started to despise the stairs in my building and started taking the elevator simply out of spite.

Kris said...


That could very well be how this pans out.

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