Thursday, March 18, 2010

Screw The Title

Today was a day I can't even explain.

To anyone around me, they'd never know anything was wrong.

But it is.

The positive attitude I've adopted in the past little while, psyching myself up for new things and a completely changed life? All gone. In just a day.

I don't like to get too personal on here, and I don't think I could explain if I tried... but all day I just wanted to not be there. I wanted to not exist.

It was the kind of day when all you want to do is go home and cry your eyes out. And I haven't done that in a very long time, all things considered.

I could feel the tears welling up as I trudged down the street toward my apartment. So sad, so lost, so.... wrong. And I couldn't control it. Positive thoughts sounded empty and false in my own silly head.

I got home, ready for some kind of comfort in crying and being in my own space. But all I got was a lovely view of my apartment uncharacteristically destroyed by my dog. (Which is an issue because my only apartment options at this moment are shared. If my dog is going to destroy things, I just won't be able to live with someone else and chance that.)

And there, I lost it. It capped off the entire day.

I was on the floor crying like I've never cried before, lying on spilled dog kibble and random chewed up things provided by Daisy.

The realization sadly hit then and there... I have nothing. I have no apartment after April 1st. I have no money. My job is becoming something unrecognizable that will blow up in my face. I have no one to rely on, or really talk to.

I don't know how the hell I'm going to salvage any of this.

I'm still crying, even now. A big stupid blubbering idiot. I want my positive thoughts back.

I just can't find them.

I give up.

19 comments:

Px said...

Though it may sound platitude-y, things most assuredly get better with time. Don't sweat the random bad days too much.

Kris said...

I know. And I do have days where everything is ok. Just today felt like I had no options and it puts me in retreat mode. But you're right. Thanks.

Leah said...

I am positive we will have an amazing weekend. That will be your mantra until I show up on your doorstep tomorrow evening & then I will help take care of the rest.

xo

screetus said...

It will be okay. Just take a deep breath and prioritize. There's always a Plan B.

Also, make the dog do the cleaning up.

blepharisma said...

Muffin, you could have called your big seester and she would have come over and brought you a doughnut. Then at least you would have a doughnut, or possibly a cruller.

Shaz said...

~~~*([HUG])*~~~

Kris said...

Thanks guys.

Anonymous said...

Just go back home.If you have no money how are you supposed to live anywhere in toronto?

Kris said...

Yeah. You're quite right.

Anonymous said...

Your dog is going through separation anxiety. Start crating her until she gets use to whatever it is you're going to do.

Kris said...

Jesus, anonymous folks sure have a lot of opinions.

Craig said...

Anonymous,

I know that people who write on blogs put themselves out there, and are therefore theoretically open to all opinions and insult. I get that.

That said. Fuck you. Those are insensitive and unneeded comments. You don't get points for pointing out the obvious source of a young woman's pain and anguish.

if I knew you, and I was around you right now, I might know your teeth out. No kidding. And trust me, although my trips into "loss of control" are very few and far between, they are just as intense.

What an asshole.

Anonymous said...

i truly adore your own writing style, very interesting.
don't give up and also keep writing mainly because it just simply worth to look through it.
impatient to read a lot more of your own web content, thankx :)

C. said...

Piss off. It isn't cool.

Kris said...

Craig, the last one was just a interweb-bot thing. :)

But no, that's not cool either. Stupid bots.

Thanks for being my defender. I'm glad you're in my corner.

Mike D. said...

This post made me really sad Kris. I wish I could help you. I really do. You deserve only the best and it breaks my heart that the worst seems to find you.

Kris said...

Thanks Mike. Yeah, the worst does seem to find me.

Sj said...

i fight with bots now????
awesome

Kris said...

Yep!

But also real people.

The other two comments weren't bots.

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