Today was a day I can't even explain.
To anyone around me, they'd never know anything was wrong.
But it is.
The positive attitude I've adopted in the past little while, psyching myself up for new things and a completely changed life? All gone. In just a day.
I don't like to get too personal on here, and I don't think I could explain if I tried... but all day I just wanted to not be there. I wanted to not exist.
It was the kind of day when all you want to do is go home and cry your eyes out. And I haven't done that in a very long time, all things considered.
I could feel the tears welling up as I trudged down the street toward my apartment. So sad, so lost, so.... wrong. And I couldn't control it. Positive thoughts sounded empty and false in my own silly head.
I got home, ready for some kind of comfort in crying and being in my own space. But all I got was a lovely view of my apartment uncharacteristically destroyed by my dog. (Which is an issue because my only apartment options at this moment are shared. If my dog is going to destroy things, I just won't be able to live with someone else and chance that.)
And there, I lost it. It capped off the entire day.
I was on the floor crying like I've never cried before, lying on spilled dog kibble and random chewed up things provided by Daisy.
The realization sadly hit then and there... I have nothing. I have no apartment after April 1st. I have no money. My job is becoming something unrecognizable that will blow up in my face. I have no one to rely on, or really talk to.
I don't know how the hell I'm going to salvage any of this.
I'm still crying, even now. A big stupid blubbering idiot. I want my positive thoughts back.
I just can't find them.
I give up.