Saturday, May 22, 2010

I Am All The Days That You Choose To Ignore

Here's a question that comes up in conversation sometimes:

Can men and women just be friends?

It seems that quite a lot of people believe that no, they can't. Not without any type of attraction or feelings that take it further than a friendship.

I'm not so sure.

A lot of my guy friends say opposite sexes can't simply be friends... to which I think, "Huh... interesting, cuz you're just a friend. Right?"

Apparently I am wrong. (Me? Wrong? It's rare, but it happens.)

And I suppose that just shows my ignorance, because it is often my male friends I'd least expect who later tell me they have feelings for me. Or used to.

Does that mean that all of our friends of the opposite sex aren't really our friends?

It's frustrating. I get along with guys better; I have more guy friends.

But I'm not attracted to them all, nor am I trying to date them.

Maybe it's situational, based on circumstance...

Or maybe we're naturally predisposed to want... everyone.


...Cuz I'm not really into you.

Single life is so complicated. It's just better when you're spoken for and happy.

* Note - My lovely gay boyfriends are not included in the aforementioned discussion, as they are repulsed by the very idea of myself and any other creature of the female variety and therefore friendship is just that.

Happy long weekend, ya horny non-friends of the same and opposite gender! I'm outta here!



ghost said...

I don't believe opposites can just be friends. It may not be sexual attraction.

Kris said...

What do you think it is? I like hearing people's thoughts on it.

Anonymous said...

I think it is possible for men and women to be friends without attraction or anything but, but it is pretty rare. Usually at least one of the two has more than friend feelings.

Aladnamedstu said...

I'm just your friend. I have friend feelings for you. I have lots of female friends for whom i have no FEELINGS for.

spiritsentient said...

Hi! This is my first time at the blog and I love it. With a topic so dear to my heart, I'm so glad to share :)

I recently wrote an in-depth post on relationships and sexuality, and a strong theme in it was that sexuality + polarization are basically present in every aspect of life.

Yin/Yang, Masculine/Feminine, Lead/Follow, etc. :)

To me, once a person becomes aware and conscious that this sexuality exists in everything, it's suddenly not really a problem. It becomes easy to manage, understand, address and be up-front about.

So paradoxically, realizing and acknowledging that there is always a sexual give/take, allows people to be true friends.

Kris said...

Anon - That's what I'm hearing.

Mancrab - I agree! I've always felt that my friends were just my friends. Friend feelings!

spiritsentient - Welcome, and thanks for the comment. So, really, you're saying that there IS always something more there, but knowing about it allows us the opportunity to avoid it becoming an issue.

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting for you to fall in love with me, admit it in a 3am email that involves lyrics from November Rain, and then feel painfully awkward about it.

Get on that, lady.

Kris said...

I feel painfully awkward at ALL times, so I've at least got that part covered.

So it's true, you really aren't my friend? Sigh.

"Nuthin' lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change. But it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November Rain."

Mike D. said...

I've had female friends who were just that, and I've had female friends that I wanted to be more. But if they think of you as just a friend then you are usually out of luck. Probably the reason I've been single for so long.

Anonymous said...


I... love you.

Kris said...

Mike - Nah, you're single because you're a jerk. Kidding! That seems to be the norm with guys... I don't think I've ever been head-over-heels for a good friend, but that could also be because I was always in relationships. I'm a monogamous kinda chick.

Peter - Yeah, November Rain does it every time :)

PatZ said...

I have a whole team of derby girls who are just friends. so yes. provided they are covered in tattoos, single moms or lesbians...

Captain Tortured said...

I had a female friend once. That was 13 years and one child ago.

Just, can ya hold me? Hold me!

spiritsentient said...

That's what I'm saying Kris :)

And related to the 'friend' remarks:

The idea is that being aware of, and working with, this innate sexuality (yin/yang) in all things, means *behaving* like a friend when the time is right, and behaving like a supremely sexual being other times.

You said you've never really been head-over-heels for a friend, and that's because "head-over-heels" is a passionate feeling that is NOT mediocre or limited.

I'm saying that if a person consistently *behaves* like a friend, it mitigates and limits the amount of sexuality, attraction, & polarity in the relationship --

so yeah, no head-over-heels :D (well... I get it a lot, but then, I'm not always acting 'friendly')

Kris said...

PatZ - Or perhaps all of the above?

Captain - True. But what a sweet little child ya got. :)

spiritsentient - That's why I hate dating guys that flirt too much with all of their female friends - changes the relationship they have with their "friends" and allows for more.

spiritsentient said...

Mmm...I hear ya. Flirting's another topic altogether. :) So is 'too much' (of anything) :D

Some people are comfortable with a high degree of flirtation, others not so much.

I find it works best when two people in a relationship unify and agree on boundaries which feel mutually right, and if those cannot be established, perhaps they are not so suited to each other for a relationship :) (Whether they want to admit it or not, heh.)

Kris, have you ever had an in-depth discussion on flirting/friendship with a partner or potential-partner? How did it go? Did they get it?

Kris said...


This answer could potentially be a novel, but I'll try not to let it get that way. Yes, there have been conversations about flirting with past partners... some didn't end so well, some did. I realize it's tough for them because of my own insecurities, but I don't appreciate being overlooked so they can flirt with someone else instead of me at all times.

I'm hoping that whoever I end up with will maybe have the same flirting habits as me. I flirt, within reason. I never let it go too far. And my partner gets all of my attention and REAL flirting. They always know they're my only one. Y'know?

Whoops. That was a novel.

spiritsentient said...

Heheh :) Awesome Kris, it's good to share and write (especially novels :D)

I understand what you're saying about the flirting, and I can understand being overlooked feeling pretty s***** :)

The distinction between harmless flirting and 'real' flirting is interesting, a week or two ago I wrote an article about how _everything_ is sex, flirting/conversation and what each partner *truly* wants.

Maybe it'll shed some light/insight/start-a-fight :P?

Kris said...

Glad you posted that, I was trying to find your website. I'll be a reader now, for sure!

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