Sunday, May 16, 2010

Is She Really Going Out With Him?

I've never had a problem meeting new people. This also means that I've never had a problem meeting new guys when I'm single. Because I'm rarely looking to date anyone, I'm pretty good at explaining why I'm not interested... luckily I can also be good at making them back off when they persist. (Although, in hindsight, most of my long-term relationships happened because the guys were still persistent when I pushed them away. Interesting.)



Anyway... Because of all this, I've never needed dating sites. For me, they're just kinda fun. Or a way to pass the time when you're feeling really lonely and otherwise bored.

BUT - The questionnaires and profile questions they have are mostly useless. They don't really tell you much at all. So I've decided to compile a list of the things I want/don't want in a man.

This might be kinda ugly.

Kris' Wonky List O' Dating:


1. No alcoholics - Been there. It's exhausting and heartbreaking at the same time. I like to drink; I like to drink with dates. But if you need to be shitfaced more often than not? You're useless to me.

2. No Jekyll & Hydes  - Again, been there. If you have a nasty temper when you drink? No thanks. If you like insulting me and purposefully making me feel like shit after you've had a few beers? Screw you. Be alone.

3. Must Love Music - You don't have to necessarily like all the same stuff I do. But like music in general. Expand my music knowledge and I'll do the same. Nothing is better than a night of sharing music with each other.

4.  Don't Hit On My Friends - Self-explanatory, no? Actually... if we're dating, maybe don't hit on ANY other chicks. Or else I'll kiss your best friend. This is a warning. Hope he's cute.

5. Realize That My Quirks Are Permanent - I'm weird. I'm awkward. I often make no sense. But hell, I'm fucking loveable. Mostly.

6. Never Try To Control Me - I've made the mistake of being controlled by boyfriends before. Never again. If we're dating, we're partners. ... but, uh... Can I be the Senior Partner?

7. I Secretly Love Affection - Kiss me, hug me, hold my hand. Tell me I'm pretty. Make me feel special. If we're past dating and now in a relationship, show me you care. Otherwise, how the hell am I supposed to know?

8. Liars Are Losers - I hate lies. If you lie to me or hurt me, it's hard to re-gain my trust. I'm honest to a stupid fault, maybe. But don't ever, ever lie to me. Or you die.

9. Gotta Have Passion - I mean this in all ways. Passion for me, for yourself, for the relationship. If we never fight, we have no passion. You fight for things you care about. And besides, a passionate man is sexy. So there ya have it.

Did I miss anything in this long-ass post? Geez.

I used to say my rules of dating were "Don't lie to me, don't cheat on me, don't hurt me".  And that was it. That's all I asked.  It's still true, this is just the longer version.

So I guess if I meet a dude who passes inspection, I'll just send him to this post and he can decide if he's right for me or not. And if he needs to know whether I'm worthy? I'll just send him to this ol' post on my other blog.

But come on. I'm worthy.

...sometimes.

40 comments:

Aar said...

10. Must bring me a curd bouquet once a month.

Just helping you out, Goetz.

Kris said...

Thanks friend. You're right. That IS the key to my cold black heart. CHEESE!

Leah said...

11. Must tolerate your wonky cousin, because she is the key to your (in)sanity. :D

Anonymous said...

er.. what about must love your dog? doesn't daisy get a say?

Mike D. said...

This list seems easy enough, it just means that you don't want a fucking d-bag. Alcoholics with bad tempers who make you feel like shit and hit on your friends and control you and lie = douchebags.

I though you wanted to stay single though.

Kris said...

Leah - very true

Anon - I actually had that up, but then I realized... everyone that meets Daisy loves her. But if she doesn't like them? They're out. My girls gotta love ya.

Mike - I'm not in a relationship. I am single. But I'm not opposed to dating anymore, i'm tired of being bored and lonely and feeling like shit. But you're right - a non-douchebag is exactly what I'm looking for.

Anonymous said...

So, needless to say you aren't on good terms with any of your ex's. Not many people can be I suppose. And from your posts not even Daisy.

Kris said...

Excuse me? Who ARE you?

Actually, I get along with the majority of my exes. Even the ones I may not be friends with, we still exchange a note here and there. I've spoken to 2 of my exes in one way or another in the past few days and visited one earlier this week, so yes. I'm on good terms.

I don't know what you mean by "not even Daisy". Daisy has only known one ex, and she misses him.

Anonymous said...

Ha. Sorry new to this blog thing, didn't mean to offend - just commented based on the past posts I read; you're a good writer by the way. catchy stuff. keep it up and good luck with the show! i've passed it on to some people down here in the states. cheers darling.

screetus said...

Wow, that's like, the perfect description of me, exactly! It's like karma or something and... okay, I'm not fooling anyone here am I?

Kris said...

Anon - No worries. some things just make me defensive for good reason. Thanks for the compliments!

screetus - You're lying. I know this because one time I saw you get drunk and destroy a bus terminal. And there were people in it! And a monkey. Oh, the poor monkey. Please see #2.

k said...

I hear you. Want some from the male perspective?
1.Must be able to handle their pms without using it as an excuse to treat all around like shit. Sorry, if you're over 25 you've had enough opportunity to practice. Get a grip. Simply say you need some space.
2. I'm not marrying you after we've only known each other for 6 months. You're great, we have a future, but if we can't last at least two years..and yes we need to be able to live together..there's no ring coming.
3. Don't think that marrying me means that you get half my sh*t if it all goes wrong. Sorry honey,half my family are lawyers, marry me for love not money.
4I don't care if you already have a kid but I have no interest in your ex popping up at my house.
5. I already have a mother, save any nagging for your future kids . Nagging part of your persona? You're gone.
6. If you want to be exclusive be honest, I will if you will. You lie..you're dumped. Sorry, I've lost friends to aids and std's suck.
7 Privacy. If we really become a couple, it's you and me against the world. You won't ever hear a friend of mine making a snide comment regarding something we've shared in confidence. I expect the same consideration. If you live to talk and gossip, i'm the wrong guy.
8. We break up, we don't screw each other's friends. My friends aren't that stupid, breakups are sad enough without drama.
9 Alright..enough.

Kris said...

k - Well said. If I was a guy, my list would be the same. Actually... as a chick, I still think most of your list applies to what I want too. Completely.

k said...

Ps, Some of your stipulations are so obvious they shouldn't even need to be said. Don't hit on your friends? Seriously? Don't get drunk and treat you like crap? lol It sounds like you've had some really bad luck. So this is what Canadian men are like? Maybe I should move. Seems like the competition is pretty pathetic.

Kris said...

This list was based on some of my friends exes and a few key situations that were mine. My exes aren't bad, no. Well, one of em was a lot of the time. But he's long gone.

andrew said...

What if one is in possession of a hot tub time machine? Does that raise the chances?

Kris said...

Abso-frickin-lutely!

k said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
k said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kris said...

(k - they're deleted. except for your own "dating list".)

Alyson said...

Solid list! Yeah they're a bit general but obviously they're based on your/others around you and the experiences you've had.

Good on ya :)

Kris said...

Thanks, girl!

I don't get too specific about what I look for in a dude. Just someone who will treat me nicely, have fun with me, and be reliable. Simple!

Anonymous said...

What about good teeth? C'mon you know they are important!

Kris said...

I don't care about teeth. Smiles can be real purty with not-so-great teeth too. A good guy with bad teeth is still a good guy, too. ;)

Andrew said...

....now where did I put that hot tub?....

Something about that last comment made me invision Austin Powers. Now there's a guy with bad teeth AND a time machine.

Kris said...

True.

But he's afraid of commitment. Wandering eye, he has!

peterdewolf said...

Your list is perfectly reasons, I think.

Of course my list is full of outrageous demands. But that's part of my charm.

IT IS.

Aaron said...

A daily ass massage would be on my list. Still searchin'!

Kris said...

Peter - Email me your list, I wanna see! Then I'll go searching for the chick that fits that... I like a challenge :p

Aaron - Definitely. Once upon a time, I DID have that. An ex who gave me full body massages everyday. I think he probably felt guilty for the other shit.

Aaron said...

Is he single? Errr, I mean...

Kris said...

Yes. Yes he is.

Aaron said...

I think I'd switch for a daily buttock kneading.

Kris said...

I'll tell him you're into it.

Shevy said...

It's amazing how basic and obvious this list is... and yet how until we've dated a few idiots, this stuff doesn't quite cement. I'm pretty sure I met the a-hole who part of this is directed at...

Some ex's are important best friends who get to stay around because the romantic side of things just didn't work...

I read this some days and feel totally jipped that I didn't grow up with you two... sigh.

And it really is amazing how much the must love music things plays a role... I just don't understand how some people aren't into music... but they exist... such a lonely and boring life they must have.

Kris said...

Well, hopefully reading this can sometimes make ya feel apart of it. So when we DO see ya, you'll know exactly what we've been up to!

I couldn't date a guy who didn't like music. It would just never ever work. Boring is right.

Paul said...

My analytical mind has discovered something...

1. A person without passion, is a person without the ability to love.

2. An alcoholic is a person who refuses to feel.

3. Music is one of the best ways to express and feel emotion.

4. To be controlled is to be forced to feel a certain way.

5. To be consistent with whom you are, is to be aware of yourself and your emotions.

... All of your "needs" have one thing in common, they are all tied to Feelings, Emotions and Awareness.

I'm pretty sure you'd be happy with someone who was aware of his emotions, felt, accepted them, and LOVED EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT.


Oh and P.S...It's not "Fighting" it's "Discussing".

:)

Kris said...

Can't argue with ANY of that, Paul. This is why I tell you you're smart!

Reverend Lowell said...

Must have Self-Deprecating Humor!

If you're sitting around with a bunch of friends joking; and the joke lands on him, he better be able to take it. If he gets all pissy; RUN.

Kris said...

Good call; that's definitely going on the list. I've dated guys that liked to make fun of me and mock me all damn day and night, cuz could NOT handle it thrown back at them. Yeesh.

Dave said...

Such a good post..Just catching up LOL

Makes me wonder why people get caught up with the wrong suitors. Perhaps they never made a list:)

I know I have one.

Dave

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