Monday, May 24, 2010

The Love You Lost With Her Skin So Fair

I feel quite tired.

Tired of searching for a way back to what I consider "home".

Tired of wanting to re-create and re-do things that no longer have anything to do with me.

Tired of the the anxiety.

And just tired of being alone.

I've been on a mission to turn my co-dependance into independence.

Turn my sad thoughts into positive action.

Concentrate on me and making it all happen.

For the most part, I've done quite well. But with the ups come the downs, and it's a never-ending struggle to not succumb to the low days.

I want what I want. And I'll get most of it, eventually. But what I miss out on will keep these melancholy days calling time and time again. They're so familiar that I forget how to feel normal until I have a slight taste of it. And that small dose of "happy" can make the downward spiral so much worse.

I crave balance. I crave love, and I crave stability. And a peace that means I've come to terms with the things I will never have.

How did this post come from spending time out in this gorgeous weather?

It's because I've spent much more time in my often letdown head.

I'll shake this off. Head up, shoulders back, soldier on...




Oh, Jeff. Sad that both of us are known to strangers as people who are perpetually down.

It's too late for you, but I hope to change it for me.

26 comments:

Mike D. said...

I comment on one and you already have another. It's like you knew! I'm sorry you have these sad days still Kris. But I do honestly think you will have everything you ever wanted, because you work hard and you deserve it. (For once my comment isn't even sarcastic so you know I mean it)

Kris said...

I take back that "jerk" comment on my previous post. Thanks. Your lack of sarcasm does tell me you mean it. You're a nice dude.

Anonymous said...

I know several people who knew Jeff very well. I think what you two share in common is when you're so passionate about things, you can swing extremes. Embrace it and make great art out of those extremes. He enjoyed being in the process. He didn't even use his real name until his mid-20's. it was a lot of soul searching for him and you're probably doing the same. Keep going.

ghost said...

you're not perpetually down, kris. you've had your ass kicked and it's taking time to get up and dust yourself off. that roller coaster still bats me around and i've been on this road a bit longer than you. it will get better. i promise.

Kris said...

Anon - I will. Thank you, Swinging extremes is probably right. I'll do my best to take it all and make something of it. I'd love to hear stories about him, if you have any. :)

ghost - I know it will. But this road sure sucks, huh?

Anonymous said...

Too many stories. He was all over the place. Was a real charmer with the ladies (surprised?), very last minute person. spontaneous. used to wear silver pants and play a whole lot of prog rock as a teen. a really great guy, sometimes a little too much of extremes. could be super serious, then could be a total jokester. hard to keep up with his moods. a very passionate guy. loved to be in love. didn't really come into his own until his late 20's. might sound familiar?

Kris said...

:)

Some parts just might sound a bit familiar, yes. And no, I'm not at all surprised that he was a hit with the ladies. He makes me swoony, and I hate to use that word. But I do love to be in love.

Anonymous said...

How many times have you watched Live In Chicago? ;-)

Kris said...

I've watched a lot of clips many times over, but for some reason I don't actually own it. That's something I should rectify.

A Friend said...

If you crave love, get it.

If you crave stability, get on your feet.

The balance is the hardest. Remember the reasons you got where you are and then keep thinking of where you wish to be and with whom you wish to share it.

Fight for it all. You will win. Of this I have no doubt.

Kris said...

I appreciate the supportive words. A lot. I'm definitely trying to keep those things in mind, as you said. But as far as the love thing goes? You can't just "get it". It's rare, it's beautiful and it's the hardest thing. I can't just point at a guy who is interested in me and say "Ok, I've decided to be in love with you, forget anyone else I've loved and live happily ever after." It's so complicated. In my case, it's even more complicated than most. It's all mixed up with past and future bullshit.

But balance and stability? I'm learnin'. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

It'll be the 13th anniversary of his death this week; I would watch the special features on the LIC dvd. Have a JB party. Enjoy being single. Stay away from the weird juju from boys of the past.

Kris said...

You got it. :)

Born with a big mouth! said...

you are not known as DOWN by me at least. You are a very UP girl who just got stuck in the mud for a bit. :)

luv ya girl - and i know how you feel!

Kris said...

Aw, thanks hun. Maybe I should start playing in the mud. ;)

Still A Friend said...

You're right, but I thought you may know what I meant about love. It is absolutely complex for you right now, but I feel like you know exactly what you want. I just wanted to give you a friendly push to go after it and get it.

Kris said...

Judging by that last comment, you MUST be someone I know well. I wish I knew who.

Alyson said...

As clichéd as it sounds, just keep pushing and trying to stay positive. Even the longest and hardest times eventually lead to something amazing, sometimes it just takes a while.

Keep your head up :)

Kris said...

Thanks Alyson. It's no cliche, you're right!

Anonymous said...

just watch this. it defines relationships.. perfectly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-M3Q2zhGd4

Kris said...

Yep. I need the eggs :)

Shevy said...

It really is amazing how alone you can feel when you have days like that... but really, there is always someone else feeling the exact same way.

It's so hard to remember sometimes that if we work hard we will eventually end up with all the things we want in life... the job, the house, the lifestyle... those things you can believe... but this love stuff... it's so slippery and sneaky... sometimes its so hard to believe that it'll happen for you.

We push so hard to avoid mediocrity, but those who revel in being just mediocre seem to have all those things that one longs for, love, a family, their life going in the direction they want.
Some days i really wish i could settle for mediocre... but then again, i know i'd get bored. It'll happen for us... I know it will. 27 still feels young anyways... well, maybe not the number... but I guess I don't feel like I thought i would at 27.

Last Goodbye was always my fav… it always seemed to ring true… maybe I didn’t ever really know him at all… or maybe he never really knew me.
xo

Kris said...

I think you're right... just looking around Facebook, all the people who didn't have crazy dreams and stars in their eyes now have the family, the spouse, the house with the white picket fence... but, like you, I don't wanna be mediocre.

Shoot for the stars, bring one down, then go back for more.

And yeah.. Last Goodbye rings far too true.

Anonymous said...

Read your post. Love jeff. Watch the beginning of this.. and the end of this where Jeff relates love making to creative moments. brilliant!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kySBJAimL7I

Kris said...

Thanks for link, Anon. Amazing. Great clip.

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