Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Pushing You Back, But Still You Ain't Gone

My fun Toronto weekend turned into my personal hell. From the ride there to the way  back, everything just seemed to get worse.

It didn't end when I got home.

I've now felt the closest thing to actual hate that I've ever felt. It's an evil, painful feeling. Sharp knives stabbing my insides. The crying hasn't yet ended; it resurfaces when I'm just not ready for it.

Rock bottom. I'm here.

It's starting to feel like everyone is out to get me. Things manage to get marginally better, and then the ground comes out from beneath me. And everything becomes so much worse than I could've imagined.

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I hadn't slept, but getting up felt like a death sentence. I can't eat. I can hardly breathe. I've stopped caring.

To those involved in their own little ways, I do hope you are happy. You broke me, and should be so very proud. Write home to your parents and tell them how well you did. You're an accomplished shell of a human, lacking compassion and a functioning heart. Trust that you will fall one day.

I give up. There's nothing left to fight for, and I've lost the strength. Everything I've known is a lie. How do I face that? The pain is too much right now... all I can do is hope for better, someday.

To you, I am nothing at all.

23 comments:

Mancrab said...

Awwwww I feel so sad for you! Big hugs Kris

Ciavarro said...

I don't really like Toronto all that much either, but man you really take it to another level.

Seriously though, I have no idea what's going on, but if you decide to share, it looks like you got a pretty positive virtual posse that would support you.

Jetson Stamina said...

Ciavarro and I would be happy to drop a double deuce in their heating vents... whoever THEY are.

We need keys to their apartments and a fairly accurate schedule of their day-to-day comings and goings.

Anonymous said...

You have poisonous people in your life. Throw them away and live happily with all these others who care for you.

jetson stamina said...

Does anonymous want to make it a Triple Deuce? We still need apartment keys tho.

jetson stamina said...

Does anonymous want to make it a Triple Deuce? We still need apartment keys tho.

Kris said...

Mancrab - Thanks for the email. xo.

Ciavarro - Part of me would love to spew it all out there, but other people are involved. As upset and angry and sad as I may be, it isn't my place to drag people into it. So I vaguely whine and bitch to keep them from getting flack. Stupid, really.

Jetson - Sweet of you to offer, definitely. Maaaybe I'll take you up on that. Stay tuned for info!

Anon - That seems to be the consensus from almost every person in my life. Well, the non-poisonous ones.

Craig said...

Oh! what a tangled web we weave
When first we practise to deceive!

stark said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry to hear everything went to shit. I wish we could have met up during that bust of a concert. Even when we got out to the back of the crowd it was too thick for me to find you. If you need anything, ever, you can always shoot me a text or an email. Big love coming your way. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Kris said...

Craig - Who would you be referring to??

stark - Thanks, girly. I wish we had met up too, I'd love to have had a beer with ya!

screetus said...

Damn!
Well whatever happened I hope your days only get better, and the awesomeness that you deserve quickly comes your way.

Chomps said...

Straight up, what I can say from my own limited experience being a human being on this slowly dying rock is that these bad things always end up jumbled together.

Whatever part of the universe is focused on you right now is the part that likes to throw shit sandwiches. That's going to come around. It's all cyclical. I know you already know that. But try to remember it.

Try not to count the bad things, but keep in mind that there's going to be an equally (if not more) positive turnaround later. These bouts of suffering are usually counteracted with a really shiny up-side.

When your situation changes, the sandwich that will be thrown at whichever perpetrator you're referring to in this post is going to be (for lack of better imagery) diarrhea. I can categorically say they'll be eating fiery diarrhea.

Just hold on. Tight. You'll make it.

Caesar and Schultz said...

woe :(

K, if you're ever in toronto and it's being crappy - you can always ALWAYS come by our home. even if it's stupid o-clock and you just need a place to come and breath for a bit - we'll have you :) And if we're not home - there's a code at the front we don't have to be here for you to come use the space.

bonus perk = 2 fuzzy (recently bathed) sheps to cuddle

take care, we love ya!

- claire and sheps and family

Anonymous said...

Well this sounds pretty dire.Difficult to discern but it sounds like a mix of betrayal and disgust.You seem like the strong sort, my guess is you'll persevere. When the people closest around you waffle, it can be hard to stomach. First time I was shot, I was 22 a new officer..burdened with a load of garbage. The bullet coursed along my side, right outside my ribcage. Burned not really hurt. I was screaming at these fuckshows to lay down covering fire and all theyre doing is whining that i'm dead. lol I think that's the angriest and most sickened/betrayed i've ever felt with a group of people.Trust. Why's it such an elusive thing? As much of a cliche as it is, we really only have ourselves to rely on.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about that. Previous comment brought to you courtesy of cheap booze, melancholy, reminiscing and bad judgement.

tony said...

long distance int'l deuce available

Kris said...

screetus - Thank you, kind sir.

chomps - What a comment! You are full of the awesome. And I appreciate it. I'm just gonna concentrate on re-directed shitstorms and hopefully it'll happen.

bear - Thank you girly. I teared up when I read your comment last night. And I got a msg from Jeff not long after. You guys are sweet, and I so love ya.

Anon - Don't ever apologize for a comment. Your situation really helps me put mine into perspective. And you're right, we really ARE the only people we can trust. You must be pretty damn brave, I'll tell ya that much.

tony - Awesome, I'll let Jetson know!

Friend said...

Sometimes reading your blog makes me so sad. Posts like these break my heart, even if I don't know the situation. You've been so up and down, I was hoping things had turned around for you. You're a wonderful woman and deserve all the happiness life has to give. I agree with Chomps and everyone else who commented -- things will get better for you. They must.

Kris said...

Thanks, friend. I'm sorry for making you sad. Sometimes the blog is my only outlet, as silly as that sounds.

Gage said...

I hear you on the blog outlet thing. My blog is pretty much my only outlet too. Hope you can work it all out, I know how hard that can be.

Kris said...

Thanks, girl.

Mike D. said...

Kris... talk to me. Email, call me, what happened?

Kris said...

I'm not really talkin' about it. I'm done with it.

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