Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Though It Nearly Took A Miracle To Get You To Stay, It Only Took My Little Fingers To Blow You Away

I rarely ever post two days in a row.

But sometimes ya gotta switch it up a bit, right? I think I need to switch up quite a few things. And so I will.

My past few days were hell. Absolute hell. And I allowed things to break me, and affect my health and well-being. I cannot let that happen again; I won't. Nothing and no one gets the best of me without consequences.

Am I better? Am I over it? Happy? No. Hell no. But I have to start somewhere.

Today is a new day.

Yet again, the emails, comments and messages you guys left me were all so very helpful. I don't know how to thank you. You make me feel ok about posting these things, whether personal or otherwise.

I got a Facebook message from a girl I've never met, and it's another example of why it's ok to talk about these things in a public forum:

"this might sound silly, but ive actually read some of ur blogs and i just want to say that you are amazing. I feel EXACTLY the way you do, and i dont even know you. I myself suffer from depression so your blogs are an inspiration and make me feel like im not the only one who feels that way. You're beautiful smart and a damn good writer so dont ever let someone take that away from you EVER. I know this is random because u dont even know me, but ur blogs are just that good.

Jenna"


 This message is exactly why I write about these things. Other than being an outlet for myself, it's sometimes reassuring to know that you're not alone.

And so, although I still feel completely broken and horrible, I have to pick myself up. Get back to the things I love. Music. Friends. Writing. Moving forward with my plans. Surrounding myself with real people and getting rid of the poison. Staying away from the things that only wish me harm and pain.


Kick it all in the ass like it kicked me to the chest, so to speak.

Here's a live version of a song that I'm finding fairly appropriate right now:



I haven't found my sun.

But I won't stop looking til I find it.

(Oh, and p.s.? Carbon copies of me are NOT acceptable. I'm the only me. Take note, and be your damn self.)



46 comments:

Aaron Vail said...

I've actually been trying to clone you and create an army of Kristens to battle against the Evil Captain Curd. Is this not acceptable then?

Kris said...

Anything you do is acceptable, my friend. But why would I ever wanna battle a delicious curd??

Farmer Vail said...

Well, they're overtaking my land and killing my livestock, so I figured you'd just eat them.

Silver Surfer said...

What the hell happened, Kris?? My goodness. I can never tell when reading your posts. I mean, do you really want to come across like such a drama queen? OK, my apologies. I know you're going through a tough spell right now (and I've been there before). And, I had my parents love and support to see me through it! Just like you!

So I can't see you falling apart one day and then the next day your right back on your feet. It's too manic for me!

Truth be told you have not fallen apart. You're merely dramatizing your situation which makes for more compelling blog posts. I mean, who said happiness ever sold? It's misery baby! MISERY!

OK, now we get the misery part. So let's work on the road to happiness part. You're on it even if you're not aware of it. Just remember the old adage. Where ever you go, there you are! Living with yourself is your most complexing problem these days.Welcome to the human F'ing race! :-) Now back to your regular programming.

Kris said...

Whoa.

First of all... I'm not dramatizing shit. You don't know the details because I don't post them. My blog - my choice. No one asks you to come here.

It's not "manic" to want to feel ok again. I'm not back on my feet today. Did you read the post? It clearly says that. But I'm trying to not let the shit get to me, because it literally is affecting my health.

Anything else you'd like to add? Or has the Drama Queen said too much?

Vail - I'm FOR it!

Mike D. said...

Who is Silver Surfer? Not cool. And I'm glad you are trying to feel better, but it sounds like it was bad. Do I have people to beat up?

Kris said...

Maybe. Juuust maybe.

Phronk said...

Like Jenna, I can relate, and I love the way blogging (and other public writing) can bring people together, or at least make us realize we're not the only ones going through tough times.

I totally know what you mean about letting it affect your health. Taking care of yourself can seem unimportant when there are more worrisome things going on. Like the last few days, I've barely slept, and grew a massive beard.

You can't grow a beard (as far as I know), but however whatever's affecting you, as long as you bounce back with time, it's fine. It's human.

Best wishes.

Masuka said...

Here's the thing....

Where can I find these carbon copies and do they like half breeds?

Kris said...

Phronk - Thanks dude. I hope everything is ok with you. And I'm fairly certain that your beard far surpasses mine.

Masuka - You don't need no carbon copy, ya half breed ;) You've got me!

Anonymous said...

I like when you get feisty. It shows your strength during low times.

Friend said...

I looked up the lyrics to better understand the song and its meaning. I'm posting them here and I do hope it's ok.

She's Only Happy In The Sun:

I know you may not want to see me
On your way down from the clouds
Would you hear me if I told you
That my heart is with you now

She's only happy in the sun
She's only happy in the sun

Did you find what you were after?
The pain and the laughter brought you to your knees
But if the sun sets you free, sets you free
You'll be free indeed
Indeed

She's only happy in the sun
She's only happy in the sun

Every time I hear you laughing, I hear you laughing
It makes me cry
Like the story of life, of your life
Is hello, goodbye

Shes only happy in the sun
Shes only happy in the sun


I think I see how it fits. And I think we all hope you find your sun, pretty girl.

Kris said...

Anon - Thanks. That's what I'm trying to achieve.

Friend - Somehow, your msg just made me cry. Bah. Guess I'm still pretty weak. Thank you for the nice words.

Danger Owl said...

Nothing worth having in life is ever free. This includes true happiness and self awareness.

Lemons and lemonade and all that.

What they said. what you said.

What say i?

I say nothing and stand idly by.

But I am watching you.

Danger Owl.

Angel of small wisdoms and sad souls.

Thats who we all are.

Kris said...

I suppose we are.

But I think it's more complicated than that. Small wisdoms and sad souls can become greater wisdom and sadder souls. There are different depths to everything.

All you can do is learn from it. Sometimes all you have is yourself. No matter how badly you're hurting, push forward.

I guess. But I may be wrong.

Anonymous said...

Forget Danger Owl.

It's all about Danger Mouse!

http://tiny.cc/850jb

He's the greatest
He's fantastic
Wherever there's danger he'll be there
He's the ace
He's amazing
He's the strongest he's the quickest he's the best
Danger Mouse
Danger Mouse
DANGER MOUSE!

Kris said...

Bahaha.

Awesome. Gotta love Danger Mouse.

Danger Owl said...

Owls eat Mice for Lunch.

True Story.

Kris said...

My mom loves owls. I love lunch.

I hate other stuff, though.

But lunch is usually cool by me.

Why are you a dangerous owl person?

Harald Benz said...

It's not the world, it's our mind that's the true battlefield.
I have depression and ADD and I know how it feels when the sky's coming crushing down. Drama becomes trauma and lust for life becomes a casualty.
Trust me, when life's out there to get you, there's only one thing you can do. Get even!

Come on, you can do it. Be our hero and save the cheerleader!

Kris said...

Oh man. Do I have to be Hiro now? ;)

How do I get even, my friend? Honestly. Sometimes where you're at the lowest point and have nothing you can do but sit there and hate and rot... how do you get even with it?

I'm down for advice. You're good for that; I know this.

Harald Benz said...

In another universe I am a genius.

Unfortunately, in this one I am not. So, the little advice I can give you... will come by email.

Anonymous said...

But then Danger Mouse will bet up Danger Owls insides. It's already happened in a couple of the episodes. Danger Mouse is like half mickey half ninja.

Danger Owl said...

Sadly

Danger Owl lives in the real world, and not on television or in cartoons.

Thats the real issue, with everything.

This IS the real world.

Miss Rambler here is dealing with reality.

One does not kick realities ass. Or get even with it, or eat it, or get saved by it.

We live in it. Life is hard, and it's complex, and it's full of things we cannot control. The error we make is that we try to.

Thats why there is depression, and sadness, and feelings of a loss of control or of downward spirals. Because we are all waiting for DangerMouse.

Heros don't exist.
Only we exist.
Only the next moment exists.
Excepting you are nothing and everything because of that.

Danger Owl watches.
Thats what he learned to do, to live, to exist in the world, experiencing the reality that so many try to control.

There is no control, only Danger Owl.

So Give a hoot, don't pollute this girls mind with Danger mice and The revenge of the Hurts. They are apparitions in a very real world that nobody needs in order to be happy.

Kris said...

Well, Danger Owl.

Miss Rambler also doesn't lie down and just take the crap that people wanna give her.

Some people want to hurt her. And continue to.

Some don't set out to, but they do as well. Does that count for nothing?

She doesn't take it lightly.

And in her own way, not physically of course, it DOES need to be kicked in the ass. The hurt needs to be kicked in the ass.

And so she will do so; HER way.

She's her own hero, cuz no one else will be. And there's a shitload of evil out there.

Now 'scuse me while I go buy some tights, a cape, and some hand grenades.

Anonymous said...

I think still Danger Mouse is the shit. He's the greatest secret agent in the world, so secret in fact that his codename HAS a codename! He speaks 34 languages fluently, including some extraterrestrial ones. He regularly balances himself on his index finger and bounces up and down on it.

Danger Owl, you don't got shit on Danger Mouse. He's a hero, not a zero, and pretty sure he's friends with Captain Planet AND Krispin Glover. What do you do, sit in your tree, then swoop down for an occasional kill? Ha! Owls are cowardly wheezey old birds compared to Danger Mouse *cue music* sitting up in their damn tree while DM savee the world! and the girl!

Kris said...

Jeepers. Krispin Glover?

Wow. Maybe HE should be my hero.

I never knew owls and mice hated each other this much. Can't we all just get along?

Anonymous said...

That dirty owl killed my brother.
Haven't you ever seen "An American Tail"?
Somewhere.. out there... *tear*

Danger Owl said...

We look to destroy all that we cannot understand.

We look to combat self proclaimed evils that are easily put in place as the obstructions on our paths to complete happiness.

Danger Owl soars High above this.

Our lives are not controlled by villains. There are no need for hero's, whether they are internal or external from our own conscience.

There is only reality, and an ongoing collection of cycle upon cycle, relationship linked to relationship, perception realized upon existing understanding.

Danger Owl.
Is not old or young, Danger Owl is that which you do not even know you seek to become. You are Danger Owl. We are all Danger Owl.

There you are, you're there, right there, you're standing where I am standing, and you are seeing what you are seeing, and you are afraid.

That fear is what confuses. Fear is created from the misconception of evil evil or villainous opposition.

When really, there is nothing. life is nothing, if not open palette and perception of reality.

Miss Rambler is only a simple change in perception away from being just fine.

Anonymous said...

That or some dude was an ass to her and she wants better for herself. Plus she's hot.

Just sayin.

Kris said...

I don't even know where the hell to start here.

Wow.

Hey anon - who are ya?

Danger Owl - change in perception? No. My perception is good. I see quite well. Changing my perception means that I let others use and abuse me. Fuck that. I get what you're saying, but come on. Don't try to simplify anything.

Kris said...

Also - I get where everyone is coming from. But no one knows the facts, for the most part.

I'm not scared. I'm angry. And hurt.

Very different things.

I'm dealing.

But again, there isn't much I can say about any of it here. I refuse to.

Danger Owl said...

The question Miss Rambler, is whether or not you are truly seeing. Perception is not identifying, it's realizing and accepting.

Danger Owl doesn't believe that other are out there hurting us. Danger Owl knows we only hurt ourselves because we perceive those around us as controllable entities, when in reality, they do not even really exist.

We are all Danger Owl. we can all sit in a tree and observe the world around us. We can see how all things, all people, all of their own realities and perceptions intertwine with each other. Rarely can we see how our own do, or why they do. Most difficult is to be able to leave the vessel that is our own body, and observe it from afar, to truly see that other peoples actions are a direct result of the millions of other realities that are intertwined in their own worlds. Rarely do they set out to do what you'd like to call evil, rarely are they trying to hurt you, more, they are acting in the only way they know how.

They are you, and you are they.

You cannot fight, you can only accept and exist and see the value of moving forward and gaining knowledge and enjoying the plethora of things there are to be learned from ALL realities we encounter, both perceived as positive or negative, because if you can, then there is no positive or negative, there only just is.

This is Danger Owl

Kris said...

I would suggest to you, dear Owl, that you take your own advice.

And I will deal with my perceptions in a positive way.

Please trust that I did not do these things to myself. But all I HAVE is myself, and my realities are mine. Not yours. Not anyone else's.

Danger Owl said...

precisely.

that, is danger owl.

you are on the right path...

this danger owl, and it is the path.

as there is no path, there is just danger owl. And reality. And relationships with that which we cannot control, nor can they control us.

and I smile an old owl smile, and i'm gone. on the wind, and into endless possibility.

see you there miss rambler, see you when you exhale and feel no weight.

Kris said...

Uh-huh.

Got all the answers, eh?

Kris said...

Onward....

Anyone else? Do we have any pigs? Or donkeys?

How 'bout some octopuses?

Meh.

Sj said...

How about a pigdonkey??

Kris said...

I love pigdonkeys quite a lot.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck is this danger owl on? Such nonsense.

Kris said...

Yeah, I dunno. I think I know, but I also don't. Bah.

me said...

makes total sense to me....

Kris said...

I know who YOU are.

Jackals.

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