Wednesday, September 1, 2010

You're Burning Out, You're Black & Grey. Something I Would Never Say.

I really like looking at my stats sometimes and seeing what search phrases people used to get to my page. For the most part, they just search Shambled Ramblings, or my name, or random song lyrics (cuz, in case ya didn't know, the majority of my post titles are lyrics.)

But sometimes there's some downright weird or funny ones. I like to try and figure out which post these searches could possibly be linked to. And I kinda wanna talk to this people. Won't ya join me?

People searched:

Screwed on the beach -Ya lost me with this one. So I searched it on my blog and it came up with this post. Beach, yes. Screw, no.

Hot girl gets boys - Makes sense, right? Don't know how that got you here.

Hot Toronto Kristen - Yes, it's quite warm in Toronto right now I hear...

Manson Claus - Damn right, Manson Claus!

Silicone Boob Tube - I honestly get this one a LOT. Daily. Just cuz I named a post stupidly.

Prank Calls "I'm Daisy" - Why would you call someone, pretending to be my dog? Not nice.

How to spell "belated" - You'd be surprised how often people search this to get here. This post's fault.

"It's not about love"- Then what's it about? Beer?

"I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen"-  Sigh. Lloyd Dobler, why don't you exist?

"How to say I'm sad that you're leaving" formally - Like this: "Hey. I'm sad you're leaving. No, really."

weird things that happen at the chimo hotel ottawa - I have no words. I dunno what that is, or how it got you to my blog. But please.... enjoy your stay.

claustrophobia at onoir - Ah yes. My claustrophobic dinner fun.

what the effing crap that angel guy just felt me up - I get this a lot too. The video still makes me laugh too much.

how to win a girl back - I dunno, stop being an asshole? Call her and apologize?

hammy sink - Hell ya. Weird Al + Ozzy Osbourne.

fried brain from alcohol - Did you Google this to see what it looks like? An egg, friend. An egg.

We're routin' for ya - Well thanks, I could use the support. You can be my bra. My Life Bra.

toronto news parkdale stabbing on july 9 2010 - Don't worry dudes, it wasn't your ol' pal Kris!

Neon hats - People search "Neon Hats" a lot. Probably NOT looking for this.

"toronto island" red ant- I know those ants well, from my only trip EVER to the Island. We had fun.

betty had bigger breasts than veronica - Depends on the days, actually. Its cool, cuz I've been both.

goetz female stand up comedy - Me? Stand-up comedy? I don't even like standing up, nevermind comedy.

cereals made in mexico - Krisperanto!

sebastian bach leather - Well, yeah. I've got him here at the Patch Cup... here with an impersonator, and here with his wisdom in a McDonalds. I love me some Sebastian.

FEMALE PEEING - Oh no! Female peeing! Females DO that?

My husband is cheating on me and he hides text messages that they send to one another, I cant believe my husband is cheating what do I do? - I don't know how this search got you here, but I'm very, very sorry. And whoever you are, you deserve better than that kinda bullshit.

"fetch me my longsword, ho" - I say that a lot. I said it at Halloween.

NICE BOOBS - Where?!

not my chair not my problem - People search this a lot to get here. It's cuz they wanna watch this and laugh, like the awesome people they surely must be.

boys sexy weners - Can't say I've ever blogged about "weners". Not even sexy ones.

"Behavioral condition of attraction often resulting in constant obsessive behavior, and general emotional euphoria" - That's from when C made up a word to describe our "state", years ago. Why did you search that? How?

emotionectomy - I'll take two, thanks!

Keep 'em coming, searchers! I require entertainment.


Masuka said...

ewww female peeing.

Kris said...


Jonathan said...

The first time I searched for your site I entered the following :

"Boring with a capital B"

Kris said...

That's probably a good thing. For me.

I hope your over-tanned, frosted-tipped, eyebrow-waxed, creepy-old-man-at-the-club-kinda-self is keeping occupied in other, less boring, ways.


Miss me yet?

Anonymous said...

No matter what I'm looking for, I always use the search term "sasquatch cheeseparty." Surprisingly, that always seems to work.

Jonathan said...

Bitch - (Kris, that means you)

We are definately launching a debate site.

Anyways ... no tan this year as I have been away all summer long in 15 degree weather ... and no frosted tips as I'm no longer in touch with my feminine side.

In fact, I've always had more of a feminine side than you've ever had, no?

Kris said...

screetus - I'd really like to go to that kinda party. We should throw one!!

Jonny - Yep. You were always the woman. I was the man. It was part of our entertaining dynamic. Our old co-workers should thank us.

Andrew said...

"weird things that happen at the chimo hotel ottawa"

So just me then that thinks this before Googling your blog?

Kris said...

I should've known it was you! :) Good ol' Chimo Hotel...

Andrew said...

Guess it was just me then! Ah yes, The Good ol' Chimo Hotel, where everybody knows your name.

Mike D. said...

Female peeing thing is kind of strange. Do people search 'hot girls with pretty eyes'?

Kris said...

Andrew - We should make Chimo a sitcom. For serious.

Mike - The female peeing search came here because of my post about Daisy, and how people got confused when she squatted - I think. As for 'hot girls with pretty eyes'.... I don't think so. ;)

Anonymous said...

I haven't been reading your blog long enough because I never saw the beach post before. In case no intelligent man has told you, you look absolutely amazing. I say that with no motive, I assure you of this. I just hope someone tells you that sometimes.

Kris said...

Jeepers. Whoever you are, I like you.

kay zee said...

someone found me by searching for the "CHRIS FARLEY BABY":

Anonymous said...

Someone found my blog yesterday by searching "busty girl loves to fuck monkeys."

Kris said...

kay zeeeeeeee - Holy crap! Where'd you find that baby?

Peter - Hmm... I can see that making sense.

Anonymous said...


Kris said...

Yep. What about it?

Anonymous said...

Are you still lovehead?

Kris said...

Still? Nope. Not unless we're talking about my dog.

Andrew said...

Sounds like a plan, how hard could it be?

PatZ said...

Krisperanto for the win! btw, there's a place here that'll do logos cheap. I'ma put it on a shirt.

I got:

1. 2 (yes, the number 2)

2. 1 (yes, the number 1)

3. Hookin for cheeseburgers

4. things which go fast and things which go slow

5. dog pooping on a baby

6. adjectives for pain

Kris said...

Andrew - Super easy. I bought a How-To book for it.

Pat - Hookin' for cheeseburgers, eh? I'm assuming you wrote about Trailer Park Boys. And frankly your infamous "dog pooping on a baby" posts are what keeps me comin' back!

Vinny said...

The one blog I wrote that gets me the most visits from people searching is

obviously cause I said boob. knowing this, i should put the word boob in more titles so I can up my site hits ha.

Kris said...

It's all about the body parts. If there was more boob and penis involved here, my hits would be through the roof.

Boob! Penis!

...ah, I don't think comments count.

Vinny said...

no i don't think comments count unfortunately. but good try ha.

i wrote two blogs today and didn't mention boob or penis in either.

i'm gonna have to go back and edit.

ghost said...

they stole my longsword.

Kris said...

Bet it was a ho.

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