Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Carve Your Heart Out For Keeps In An Old Oak Tree

When I was younger, I used to write songs. Oh yeah. This is one of those posts...

I had always wanted to be the chick singer in an awesome band. The concerts I held in my bedroom were pretty amazing, but no one (aside from my band posters and stuffed animals) would ever know that at the time.

I liked metal. I liked classic rock. I liked alternative, punk, progressive, grunge... all of the rock and/or roll goodness. So many bands to love, the majority of which had male frontmen. I wanted to one day be among them, prove that chicks could rock just as well. (My headbanging skills are unmatched to this day. I mean it. I'll own you.)

But when I was a pre-teen, I realized that guys my age didn't want girl singers, and that girls usually stuck to pop groups. So I started one.

Yep. I started an all-girl pop group.

I wanted to make us "edgy", and I wrote all the songs - picked parts for the other girls, fixed up the harmonies, all that crap. Because I had a crazy popular website at the time, I used it to find group members. Girls from all over were sending me demo tapes, and I had to pick which ones made it.

I shit you not. I was young and insane. Needless to say, I decided to forget about it after all that work. Screw pop, it just wasn't my thing.

I never did join a real band. I sang randomly with a few through the years, but left it at that. My guitar (named Ziggy Stardust) is pretty neglected because I've never learned to properly play it. I always said once I mastered the guitar, a band would be born. And it would kill your face with awesomeness. Or... um.... it'd be.... good 'n stuff.

And now? I sing all the time. To my dog, and to household appliances. Loudly. I only sing in public when half drunk and hogging the karaoke mic. As for my guitar - still can't really play it.

But I will. I have talented teachers all around me who will make sure of it. And I may never start that asskickin' band, but that's cool. As long as I can bust out some acoustic singalongs at any given moment... then I'm satisfied.

Til then, I'll stick to karaoke-ing the 70's classics and serenading my dog.

'Scuse me while I go take a blowtorch to all the old cassettes featuring yours truly belting out tunes.  All evidence must be destroyed.


7:59 poet said...

'The Crystal Ship' by the Doors, slays me every time. Its my go-to shower song. One line in particular burns holes in my soul. 'The days are bright and filled with pain. Enclose me in your gentle rain'. God I love that line. I so want to be in the gentle rain. All enclosed by a fine, warm, misted sheath of amnyotic platitude. Hmm, a waking purgatory, but with the option to leave at one's whim. Not a bad place to be. Surely a rejuvenating vacation spot.

7:59 poet

Kris said...

I always dig your comments, Poet. Every time.

Phronk said...

Can I be in your band? I have a guitar I can't play too (it doesn't have a name yet but I'm thinking "And the Spiders From Mars" is a nice name), and I pretty much only like bands with chick singers.

Did you check those demo tapes recently? What if one of them is famous now? WHAT IF LADY GAGA SENT YOU A DEMO TAPE?

Kris said...

HA! Phronk, I just sat here and laughed til my dog came over and stared at me til I shut up. You're in the band. It will be amazing.

And now I am honestly going to hunt for those demo tapes and see who these chicks were. This could get interesting!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Keep killing that karaoke. Guitars are too hard.

Anonymous said...

Way too often, guys in rock bands are shitty and insecure about sharing the stage with girls. It seems less than it used to be—bands seem to be much more gender mixed these days—but then I've never been a girl trying to break into a band, so wtf do I know.

Ten years ago, around the time my first band imploded, there was an all-girl punk band in town that destroyed us all. They were called the Titsofrenix and they walked tall and kicked ass.

Anonymous said...

My bedroom singing was done to GrandFunk Railroad..... I was awsome singing Mean mistreater..

Kris said...

Dr. KN - They are? I was hoping the hardest part would be keeping my nails short. Plus my hands seem to small. Damn.

Keir - I love rock chicks. I always wanted to be in a band with a bunch of guys, though. I get along better with dudes.

Anon - I want video of it, please. ;)

Masuka said...

I still have a recording of you singing joyride... epic.

Kris said...

Oh hell. You're right! Actually, wait. I have it on here too.

Foundit: http://kristengoetz.blogspot.com/2008/12/join-joy-ride-i-mean-drive-yeah-drive.html

Also found this, remember Masuka?:

Oh, the memories. Our origins, if you will. ;)

ghetto.punk.chic said...

I am SO hurt....that you DID NOT....NOT ONCE....mention any of OUR bands.

That's it. I effin' quit.

Kris said...

That's a special post for another day, lady. For that one I will require YouTube videos of our performances, and a bio of each member. Don't fret.

ghetto.punk.chic said...

Don't play with my emotions. You know I'd do it.

And as for quitting, I only have this to say:


Kris said...


But wait... I didn't quit!

Mike D. said...

I've heard you sing, but I never knew you had a pop group. That's pretty un-kris.

Kris said...

Exactly. It wasn't very Kris-like at all. Besides, I was pretty damn young.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, that is a great idea! I'm going to be a chick singer in an awesome band!

Yet again you have inspired me.

Kris said...

Haha, I try my best. Wait til the next time we're having beers, there will likely be singing. You can be the chick singer in my imaginary band, but I wanna be the drummer AND guitarist. And bassist, but only on weekends.

RealSuperKeith said...

*raises hand* Can I be your roadie?

Kris said...

Obviously. I've already made you a cool tshirt!

Anonymous said...

I had a pretty great band up until recently, but our singer was awful. Just so very awful. Had I known you wanted to sing.... well, I'd have a place for you. Maybe I still do.

Kris said...

Oh, I'm sure I'd be no better. But I jig on stage like no other.

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