Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'm Not Here To Feel The Bones Of Some Forgotten Saint. I Know Who I Am & I Know Who You Ain't

This past Saturday, my friends and I were at our usual bar. Hanging out in the same ol' spot, a guy walks by that a couple of us recognize.

The Ex Doppelganger.

The Ex Doppelganger is a guy we've seen before; he looks like a shorter version of my ex from years ago. It's not just a slight resemblance, it's so dead-on that it quite literally creeped me out.

And so, as we're talking about the uncanny resemblance and trying to avoid his eye, he comes over. Go figure. He starts talking, doing the usual bar night pick-up approach. Eventually I just can't take it - it feels too much like the Twilight Zone. So I tell him.

"I'm sorry, but you look exactly like my ex and it's really creeping me out. You have to stop hitting on me and my friends. This is just too weird."

Sometimes I think I need to wear a sign.

Did he listen? Nope. Instead, he used it as an "in", thinking somehow I'd be more attracted to him because he looked like someone I dated in my early 20's. Between talking to me and my friends, he kept popping up to try again. I was annoyed, and he quickly learned how to turn annoyance into anger.

"So maybe I look like your ex, but aren't I much prettier?"

I was dumbfounded. "What? Are you honestly calling yourself pretty?"

"Look at me. I bet I'm much better-looking than that guy, don't you want to give me a chance? Think of how good we'd look together."
So... maybe I kinda lost it at this point. I'd had it. In front of everyone in that part of the bar, I called him out for being an arrogant predator who didn't know when to leave a girl alone. My friends backed me up - we were angry. At this point, he decided to tell us that he had a girlfriend. One who didn't know he was out trying to pick up other women.

Nice guy.

I'll spare you the rest of the details, but let's just say that The Ex Doppelganger (TED, for short) became not-so-well-liked by most people in the bar that night. Once his mythical "charms" were rendered useless, he left.

So let my story of creepy TED be a lesson to you all - men with over-inflated egos, an inability to listen when a girl asks them leave her alone, and a girlfriend sitting at home while they're out trying to pick up other ones... they're not so good, Al. And I've met too damn many of 'em.

These dudes ruin things for the good guys (who, I promise, DO exist. Somewhere).

And now you know one of the (many) reasons why your Shambled Rambler is a single chick, and why she doesn't always enjoy it.



Masuka said...

Poor Ted. Heart breaker.

Anonymous said...


Kris said...

Masuka - Yeah, I'll send him your way then. You can be friends.

steven - Indeed, indeed.

Jimmy said...

Looks like he is a future rapist.

Kris said...

Nah, he's just your run-of-the-mill asshole.

ScottMescudi said...

These type of guys are everywhere sadly! It looks like there are more of them than good guys. The thing is that good guys are mostly little shy so they aren't the ones approaching.

So cute chicks like Kris would attract too much jerks and stupid guys than good guys. Not because she attracts these kind of guys, it's only because they are literally everywhere and they don't know when to just shut the hell up. You need to straight up tell them that you are not interested and just turn you back and ignore them.

It's the same thing with me, attracting girls but just not the good ones most of the time :x

Kris said...

It's true. Those with egos and a false sense of entitlement tend to approach more people, because they doubt they'll be rejected.

Confidence is a great thing, but there's a huge difference between confidence and arrogance. A lot of people seem to not get that.

RealSuperKeith said...

...and I'm back. What did I miss?

BTW, instead of the *jerk* sign I think you should have used one that said *asshole* :p

Unknown said...

TED and TEDs alike obviously don't pick up on body language and need things spelled out for them. You did him a favor and he should be thanking you.

Kris said...

Keith - Oh man. I don't wanna think about that again! I thought I'd seen it all.... haha..

Krista - Heh. Well, instead, he'll probably just do the same thing he did over and over. Guys like that rarely learn any better. Especially since a lot of girls fall for it.

Anonymous said...

What about those of us who are nice... but with an over-inflated ego? ;)

Kris said...

You make things interesting. You're a special type. :)

Jack said...

This blog makes me glad I'm not a woman.

But then it makes me feel like an idiot because I'm a guy.

I'm so conflicted.

Though, were I in TED's shoes, I'm confident I would've picked up on the obvious disdain.

Let me also add that karma tends to sort these gentlemen out in time. I sincerely hope he remembers that night for a very long time.

Let's all try our best to make examples of potential rapists when we spot them.

ghost said...

we're in texas.

2:36 poet said...

You should have told TED how your ex boyfriend mysteriously died. Then looked in straight in the eye and said, 'In fact they all have.' Followed by a slight gaze up and left as if you were accessing a memory.

If that fails... well the mamalian testicles are legendary thoughout the known universe as being specifically tender, whilst coming in contact with a mamalian female's tanned cowhide boots.

Kris said...

Jack Smack - I've given up on karma, that shit never works out. And if you were him and had picked up on the disinterest, you wouldn't BE a TED, I'd guess. Good thing you're not.

ghost - Of course you are. They're all very far away. That's my luck, I s'pose.

poet - The second one, I've done. The first one? Next time. Oh yes.

Anonymous said...

I will agree that this guy does sound like a jerk especially since he already had a girlfriend. That does make him a d-bag. But at the same time (and Kris please take no offence), can you BLAME HIM? Of course he's going to try his hardest to get a date with you, and of course he has to act like he's the shit in order to do it. You are the total package and he wanted to try to snag you for himself. I would too, but in person I'd be way too intimidated by a hot little vixen like you.

So in my own way I tip my hat to the jerk. He tried. We don't all have the balls to try.

Kris said...

It's one thing to have the balls to approach a woman and give it a shot, but you should know when to give it a rest. Especially if it's obvious that she's bothered by you. Persistence in a nice way is different than badgering.

But yeah, I get what you're saying. Tip your hat if you must, but remember that he acted like, as you said, a "d-bag".


p.s. - "hot little vixen"? There's a first. Wowzers.

Mike D. said...

One day I hope you write about a nice, really great guy.

Kris said...

Me too, Mike. Ones other than my awesome male friends, of course.

Anonymous said...

Damn, now I have to rethink my whole approach! Um, I mean, wow, that guy was a douchebag.

Kris said...


Anonymous said...

You always talk about beer and fatty food and I think you should consider cutting that out of your diet. You are such a pretty girl and men don't like girls who eat a lot or drink a lot of beer. That might be why you attract these types of guys, because you don't seem delicate enough. You have your looks and you seem really smart, but maybe once they find out you drink beer and eat mcdonalds they are turned off. What if you start gaining weight? I hardly drink and I eat small portions of healthy food and that's how I keep trim for my boyfriend. Just giving some advice, I know being single can be awful.

Kris said...

Oh my. You, Miss Anonymous, are gonna be blogged.

Lara said...

Wha? Is anonymous joking?? do people really think like that?

I say eat big macs if you like, drink all the beer you want and if you want to stay trim great, but do it for you because you like being healthy not to keep a man


Anonymous said...

I was curious if you ever considered changing the layout of your blog?
Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little
more in the way of content so people could connect with it better.
Youve got an awful lot of text for only having 1
or 2 pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?

My page :: how to talk to GIRLS

Anonymous said...

Thanks for a excellent tip. Your desaturate method makes for a more natural method of lighter
enamel then some in the other tutorials I had

My web site; rio dentist technology teeth whitening reviews

Anonymous said...

Magnificent....I'm able to always arrive back to your site when I'm overcomplicating and acquire my head smacked back to sanity

My blog post - weight lifting routines build muscle fast

Anonymous said...

In all likelyhood, sure, of course she does. ;)

Here is my blog post - online dating sites

Anonymous said...

slide forty five he is catching the world that fell from the roof in the every day planet, not stopping a
runnaway automobile

Here is my web-site :: premature ejaculation cure through natural Herbs

Anonymous said...

I use the treadmill for hill coaching and interval instruction.

It works great for both.

Look at my webpage; Workout Plans To Lose Weight At Home

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...