Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Silent And Cliche, All The Things We Did & Didn't Say

I write emails that I never send.

Sometimes when I'm over-emotional, insanely hurt and angry or just need to get things off my chest, I write an email to whoever might be involved in that particular scenario.

In my many different email accounts, I have draft upon draft of saved, unsent messages.



There are some to boyfriends, exes, old friends... even one to the father of an ex when I was worried that his son was drinking himself to death after our breakup. I was right to worry. Wonder what would've happened if I sent that one.

I keep them to myself for many reasons. It's tough to realize that you can't save people from themselves, or keep them from hurting you. They don't want your help. I doubt I'll ever learn when to turn my back on those who meant something to me, no matter how much they may have put me through. In hindsight, I'm quite naive in that respect; some of these people no longer matter to me in the slightest.

Maybe there's a saved email addressed to you.

Maybe you'll never know how I really feel, or how your actions affected me. How I cried until I couldn't see the words I was typing, or smiled while writing sweet words I would never send.

Maybe it really doesn't matter.

Reading them now often makes me sad. Even the happier ones. Pointless to wonder how they would've been received, and much too late to find out.

So they sit.

And they wait for me to read and remember what you'll never, ever know.




25 comments:

Avail said...

I want my secret email, Goetz!

"Dear Vail,

You don't have a forehead, you have a fivehead, because it's so big.

Krissy"

Masuka said...

I know I have like 10 secret emails.. Maybe you should fo a new vlog where you read the email to the person and see their reaction!! .. I smell viral! That's gotta be up there with the drug abusing dad that cried like a 2 year old.... Heart breaking but hilarious!

Kris said...

Vail - Problem is, when I write you msgs I SEND 'em. And I'm not mean. :(

'Suka - Oh man. That would get pretty ugly, considering who these emails were for. Yikes!

Ken said...

I almost didn't write you.

But I've decided to go the other way.

Really liked this post you wrote, KG. Heartfelt. Very nicely written.

Kris said...

Thanks, mister! Maybe I'll write you an email that says "beers this weekend?" and never send it. Maybe.

Mike D. said...

Did you write any to me? Maybe telling me that you liked me back but just couldn't tell me? hahaha. A guy can dream.

Nice post, Kris. I bet we're all wondering what those emails might say.

Kris said...

I actually just went and checked an older email account to see what was in it. None to you, Mikey.... but some damn serious ones. Shit.

You got all the emails I wrote to ya, friend. Years 'n years ago, eh?

RealSuperKeith said...

Herro.

I doubt I'll graduate to secret email status anytime soon but when I do, one would probably go like this:

"Dear 'Keith'

You're the king of rock, there is none higher - sucker MC's should call you sire...sire....sire...sire (fade)

So here I sit late at night after Daisy has been fed, trying to get rid of that silly song you planted in my head.

You don't quite look your age - 12-15 years younger I presumably gauge. Ok, ok I exaggerate, but when you're on the ice, man, you can still really skate.

No G6 slizzards or Gaga for you but rather Led Zep, some Waits and some metal too. A wide variety of films and shows I presume you view but with your obscure references, sometimes I have no clue.

You've graced my blog as Slider, you've graced my blog as Keith, I'm glad you haven't made fun of my teeth. Or did you? Yes, once. www.snipurl.com/19XAED

But that's ok cuz all-in-all you seem like a decent guy, who deep down is probably really quite shy. You may use costumes and liquid courage to disguise that, but dude I know where the jive is at.

Don't know you that long and some may or may not say you're a Prince but one thing is certain, you ain't no Slap Chop Vince."

Or something like that. Or maybe not.

I'm silly.

Word.

Kris said...

FabianSliderKeith - Holy hell, in the future I'm gonna write you rhyme-y poetry in an email and never send it? Wowzers!

Awesome. Consider it done. But in blog comment form. And... written by you.... but the thought was still there!

Yay!

cole said...

your blog is my most favourite EVER

Kris said...

You are full of the awesome, Cole! Still in St. Cath?

Anonymous said...

You amaze me, pretty girl. Always.

Kris said...

Thank you. You're sweet, even if nameless. ;)

Princess Pessimism said...

reading those can cause a lot of guilt if something happened and you didnt send it. Becareful not to beat yourself over them....

And boy do i have a mental and a half story for you....

Kris said...

I have no guilt at all, like I said.... you can't fix people. Besides, most emails would've made me feel guiltier if I actually sent 'em. I would've made people cry. Heh.

Mental story and a half? Do tell! Msg me.

Anonymous said...

Not nameless, just don't want to raise any eyebrows. You deserve compliments.

Friend said...

I love your posts when you let us in and show more emotion. Those posts are the deep ones, and they continue to set you apart from the other GTA bloggers. Writer first, I say.

Kris said...

Anon & Friend... apparently I know you both, yet am not 100% sure who either of you are (though I have an idea or two), and you've both managed to make me smile today. Merci.

Andrew said...

This post is just over flowing with emotion, I'm not sure how you manage to write such good entries (mine are usually ramblings of nonsense.)

Hopefully your stay in Toronto was a good one, any plans on a return?

cole said...

nooo i left about a month and bit ago! back home for a little bit lol
we need another night out like we did in toronto! sooo fun :)

Kris said...

Andrew - I'm returning to Toronto as soon as I find an apartment for Daisy & I. It's proving difficult, but hopefully sooner than later!

cole - Definitely! Come to Toronto sometime, we'll throw together a girls night.

Anonymous said...

So what happened to your ex?

Kris said...

Which one... the one whose dad I emailed? He exists. He's around. Not dead, if that's what ya mean.

RealSuperKeith said...

K - 'Poetry'? That's generous. Sorry, don't know how all that crap popped up in my head - but it did ;) considered not posting but then where's the fun in that? Anyhow, thought it might add some levity (hopefully that's ok)

Feel free to copy/paste 'if' ever required... ;)

Later

PS: To echo the other commenters - your blog IS the best!

Kris said...

YOU'RE the best, sir! And I like fun. So there.

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