Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I Only Stick With You Because There Are No Others

Today I'm going to introduce a new term to your personal vocabulary. That term is "Potch Cruncher". It was coined in the summer of 2006...

What an idiot I was. I went a little crazy that summer, going out to bars every damn night although I had to work at 8 the next morning. I was dealing badly with a temporary breakup, and didn't quite know what to do with myself. So bars became my crutch.

One night during that jerk-tastic summer, a friend and I stopped by a house party on our way to the bar. I didn't know anyone, but you know me... I'll talk to just about anyone. One guy that I was not talking to decided that I was real goshdarn peachy keen and neat-o. He was cute, but I was uninterested and ready to leave. Before I left, he said "Come back after the bar, cuz I'm gonna kiss you."

My thoughts? Sorry buddy... not happenin'.


So to the the bar we went. That particular night, I was going to make an effort to be somewhat responsible and go home early-ish. An 8am work start can come quicker than you'd expect. As I'm driving my friend home, she decides that she wants to go back to that house party. I tell her I'll drop her off, but I'm not getting out of the car. I don't want that Kissy Dude to know I'm there, because he'll never let me leave.

Little did I know that she texted ahead to let them know I was dropping her off.

Of course she did.

I park in the driveway, telling her to hurry and get out so I can go home. As soon as she opened her car door, there he was. Kissy Dude. The next thing I knew, he was sitting in the passenger seat grinning at me like an escaped mental patient. The guy was stealth. And so, as he foretold earlier, he kissed me.

It should really end there, right? He kissed me, I laughed at him, then I went home. But no. There's still the potch crunching segment of my tale.

As he kisses me, he takes the opportunity to punch me in the crotch repeatedly. I shit you not, dear readers. He was punching me in the crotch. And dammit, it hurt.

I yelled "What the crap are you doing?!?!" His response? Something along the lines of "you know you like it."

No. No, I did not like it. He was clearly an idiot. So I quite literally threw him out of my car and drove away.

And that is the story of the Crotch Puncher, known to me, my friends and random locals as the "Potch Cruncher".

Beware, ladies. Your crotches may be in peril.



30 comments:

Sean said...

That sounds totally ridiculous but at the same time I am not surprised. When I was working on a cruise ship, one of my teammates was famous throughout the fleet for how many girls he banged. But he was equally famous for how he pulled it off: he literally would not leave you alone until you finally gave it to him just to get him off your back.

Sneaky fuckers and their weird kinks......

Kris said...

Yep, they're everywhere! These are the dudes I avoid or turn down, and they're always genuinely surprised when I do. I worry for the girls that are drawn to them!

RealSuperKeith said...

At first I laughed at the absurdity of that idiot's absurd stupidity. So stupidly absurd. What did he think he was trying to do there? Knock a waffle out of a toaster?

Then I cringed at what what must've clearly been a painful and horrific experience for you and your potch. Once your shock turned to anger did you come up with any diabolical revenge plans? If not, I've got a couple for you...

Poor you. Poor Potch.

Kris said...

Mister Keith... I'd love to hear your revenge plans, but I really don't need 'em. He didn't really mean to HURT me, it's just a "move" that worked for him in the past. He was a cocky kinda dude who did well with chicks. Enough girls in the city now know of his ways, and that's probably been punishment enough for the guy! :)

RealSuperKeith said...

Still, that's the most imbecilic 'move' I've
ever heard of. Who the fuck does that? I had way classier moves as a 7 yr old. Which chicks did this guy have success with? Neanderthal leftovers?

Kris said...

Heh. Don't get me started on the chicks...

Masuka said...

Why was your crotch open for him to punch in the first place? hmmmmm?

Jack said...

This happened in 2006?
So you mean to tell us all that there's been a serial crotch puncher roaming the lands in search of prey for 4 years now?!?

Who knows how many victims he's claimed in the meantime!

Krissy, you should have spoken up sooner. You would have probably saved some crotches.

Kris said...

Masuka - It wasn't, my dear. I was sitting in the driver seat, there was nothing I could do. My legs are too long to cross in that seat, the steering wheel's in the way. Shut it.

Jack Smack - Nah, I let the local girls know. Hence the term Potch Cruncher. Ask my friends, they'll laugh if you mention it. Unless he moved...

Alyson said...

I actually crossed my legs unintentionally while reading this; what's with some guys and their serious lack of game? Eugh.

Poor Potch.

blepharisma said...

I'm incredibly disturbed and disheartened by this post.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to pickle-punch your twatwaffle

Chomps said...

can I have his number?

screetus said...

Kris, you have met more than your share of douchebags.

Kris said...

Alyson - Men are bad people as a general rule, I've found. And if you find one who goes against the rule? You keep him.

Bleph - Yeah, sorry. Mom didn't love it either. But hey - be happy that you've never been single. Now go hug Joe.

Anon - Guh.

Screetus - True. The reason is that the good guys end up being my awesometastic great friends. I do that because I always want the good ones around. So, that leaves all the jerks to be....well, jerky.

Kris said...

Oh, and Chomps... YES. If I had the number, it'd be your. Hell, you may know him. (Probably not)

TC said...

umm...what and why are all that come to mind, what a freak!

Kris said...

Too many misguided people. We should teach classes on what NOT to do.

Mike D. said...

Who was it? Do I know him? I could kick him in the nuts for you.

Kris said...

I doubt that you do. And either way, I can't remember his last name.

daisy said...

no one punches my mummy. i would bite him. lots! and eat his pants.

Kris said...

Hahahahaha... who the hell is posting as my dog? Or who taught her to type?

11:05 poet said...

I am a close personal friend of Chuck Norris and you'd be surprised by how many lasses he takes home solely on the promise of a potch crunching. In all fairness, we are speaking about Chuck, after all, and all social convention flies out the window when you talk about a man who gave birth to the Dos Equis guy, even though the Dos Equis is older than Chuck. Suck on that grandfather paradox Mr. Hawkins.

11:05 poet

Krista said...

What a tale for the ages, the stuff of legends. The guy should be grateful to be inducted into the hall of assery and then he should move to another country!

Kris said...

poet - You just blew my mind. Again.

Krista - Ha. For all I know, he has! Or... maybe he's reading this.

Jetson Stamina said...

You do not... I repeat Do Not... EVER... attempt the "Meat Tenderizer" until you've bought her dinner at a fancy restaurant like Outback or Applebees.

Kris said...

K, that made me laugh. Well done.

"Meat Tenderizer". Ouch.

Anonymous said...

Ow ow owww.

Kris said...

Ha. Pretty much.

Born with a big mouth! said...

this just made me laugh ... and i needed to laugh. Sorry Hon!!!

gross dude!

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