Saturday, December 18, 2010

I've Got More Love & Speed Than Your Lonely Souls Can Chew

I've been going through old blog posts lately, compiling a "Best Of" at the request of a few readers. While it's been kind of fun to look back at every post I've done, it also brought up some bad memories.

Even though I randomly read old posts a lot, I've been avoiding the ones written near the end of 2009 and the first couple months of 2010 (for obvious reasons, right?). But this time I had to.

Looking at pictures of my old apartment in the village made my stomach sick. It literally (and stupidly) made me breathless and cold.

It was like re-living the past, in a way. Pictures reminded me of how it felt to walk home those specific days, dreading whatever hell or bullshit would surely greet me that night.

Pictures of my old bedroom reminded me of lying there alone, never knowing where the other occupant may be at the time. Fights that ensued, tears of confusion and hurt that could've been avoided. I've forgotten how that felt; suppressed it.

Pictures of the dogs. I took so many, knowing Jack would be leaving. I remember apologizing to them for all the craziness, and for having to separate them. More crying (I am an emotional loser), holding them both and not wanting to let go.

That couch reminds me of stressing. Wrapping my head around the behaviour of others. Trying to figure out where I would end up, what I would do. How to budget everything. And then the final straw and the resulting breakdown that made me leave the city.

I now remember all those awful feelings. I don't ever want to feel them again. There's a reason I've pushed them away.

Look at me, I'm Freud.

But going back further, looking at even older posts, I was able to see some happiness. One day I'll explain what life was like and why it had been hard for us. But I managed to find a lot of happiness in it. And that is something I'll hold onto. Situations and people may change, but the good things are worth remembering.

So, in a way, compiling this "Best Of" has been a bit therapeutic. Ain't that special?

At the very least, I now know I've come a long way from those months, and from everything since. And I'll just keep getting better and better until this chick is all smiles, always.

Ok,ok... Always is a hell of a stretch. Most of the time, then.

All new memories from here on are going to kick ass. No ifs ands or assholes. I mean.... buts. And if you had a part in the good ones... thanks for 'em, folks!

Now to (purposefully) switch gears, here's my question for the next vlog - Christmas Edition:

What do you really want for Christmas? And if you don't celebrate, what would you want if you did?

Be honest now. Santa Kris wants to know.

Ho ho.....ho.


Alyson said...

Cheesy as this is... what I want for Christmas this year is to have Christmas with my Grandma NEXT year. She's 87 and I worry every year with her will be my last; I <3 her lots.

BTW, going back on old (break-up) posts is rough times, I totally know how you feel. Good times ahead!

Kris said...

That is probably the sweetest Christmas gift wish I'll hear this year. I hope you get it :) And yes, good times ahead! So when ya visiting Toronto, huh?

Mike D. said...

Sorry to hear that the posts brought back the bad stuff, but I'm glad you're taking a positive approach to your memories. For Christmas I would like a new TV and a better reason to leave my house. Thanks Santa.

Kris said...

Heh. The things you want for Christmas are kinda at war with each other ;)

Anonymous said...

I have nothing to do with it, but those months piss me off too. Thank god for anonymity, right?

Kris said...

I don't think I know what you mean, exactly.

11:07 poet said...

I like bad memories, but loathe bad circumstance. All memories valuable, all history cherished, all moments felt. To be human. How can one not echo a deep belly laugh when faced with the sheer ordered absurdity of life and the Universe at large?

11:07 poet

Kris said...

As usual, you are so right. High five to you, poet.

Anonymous said...

I just mean that I remember what those tough times were like and I'm glad to see Kris smiles.

Kris said...

Ah. Well, here's another one - :)

Friend said...

Looking back at things CAN be therapeutic. If it has let you see how far you've come from bad situations, then it's done the job right. And looking at those happy times can be good, too. Then you know it wasn't all for nothing. Live and learn, right chickie?

6:18 poet said...

Awww Alyson, you made me miss my oma. She was the sweetest lil lady on the planet. I cannot think of a greater person in my life. I miss her so. We would talk about anything and she would laugh when I'd curse like a sailor. How cool is that? I would literally have filterless conversations with her and she'd never judge, only offer support and soft suggestions. Hahah what a cute little soul she was. Love yas grammy!

ty for the compliments Kris.

6:18 poet

Kris said...

Friend - Yep. You're right on, friend-o!

poet - You just gave an awesome example of a great memory and why they're important ;)

Sayed said...

That's a smile I hope to see on here more in the coming year! Great grin!

Ron said...

I just really wish I could afford to celebrate Krismas this year (or next). Not having any discretionary income to speak of kinda makes for a meagre and depressing holiday, especially in our consumer-driven, materialistic society. So, yeah, a few extra shekels to spend on those near and dear to me would be great. In the meantime, since I can't give gifts, I think I'll donate my time to those even less fortunate than me. Some time in a soup kitchen oughta put everything in perspective.

P.S. Awesometastic T-shirt! Too bad you got one of the early fadey ones...

Kris said...

Sayed - Thanks! :)

Ron - That's a great answer. This Kris Kringle is wishing some magical extra shekels come your way. I know all too well what that's like! As for the shirt, I picked it out. C got it for me because it's the colours I like. And cuz there are just some goshdarn awesometastic dudes on that team!

Anonymous said...

Where. is. the. new. post.?

Kris said...

Sorry. Tomorrow. Christmas vlog. Was too busy today anony-reader!

Jack said...

I've spent the past hour and a half sitting in this hotel room of mine in Thunder Bay mauling over this question of yours in my head...

Millions of things came and went.

But I bet the one thing I want is pretty close to what you're after Krissy.


You can keep your fancy cars, elegant wardrobes and bling-bling.

I just want to bid the grief, confusion and despair I've felt an unfriendly goodbye.

I want this big move and change to be the LAST. I want things from here on in to be the awesomeness. I want this world of ours to rock me like a hurricane.

And I want the same for you, Krissy. I think we deserve it.

Oh, and maybe a new tattoo.

Now to spellcheck my work...

Anonymous said...

All I want for Christmas is for you to challenge yourself as a writer publically; rumour has it you are quite the writer beyond your own personal life. I hope to see that. maybe even a book of short stories by you.

Kris said...

Jack Smack - I think you're gonna get that, buddy. Welcome home :)

Glory/Anon - There are a lot of things I've written and write "beyond my own personal life". My blog is a blog; nothing more. Other than anything that is already published, I have a lot of half-written projects always on the go. When circumstances change, I tend to change my mind as well. I may never finish any. It's hard to find the drive to.

Most people don't know I write short stories, so I'm curious to know how you do, or who told you I can write. You're not really an anon at all, are ya?

Kold_Kadavr_flatliner said...

Hey, you, Ms. Gorgeous... Meet me in the Great Beyond, girl, where I'll kiss your adorable feet and feed you baklava. God bless.

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