I've been going through old blog posts lately, compiling a "Best Of" at the request of a few readers. While it's been kind of fun to look back at every post I've done, it also brought up some bad memories.
Even though I randomly read old posts a lot, I've been avoiding the ones written near the end of 2009 and the first couple months of 2010 (for obvious reasons, right?). But this time I had to.
Looking at pictures of my old apartment in the village made my stomach sick. It literally (and stupidly) made me breathless and cold.
It was like re-living the past, in a way. Pictures reminded me of how it felt to walk home those specific days, dreading whatever hell or bullshit would surely greet me that night.
Pictures of my old bedroom reminded me of lying there alone, never knowing where the other occupant may be at the time. Fights that ensued, tears of confusion and hurt that could've been avoided. I've forgotten how that felt; suppressed it.
Pictures of the dogs. I took so many, knowing Jack would be leaving. I remember apologizing to them for all the craziness, and for having to separate them. More crying (I am an emotional loser), holding them both and not wanting to let go.
That couch reminds me of stressing. Wrapping my head around the behaviour of others. Trying to figure out where I would end up, what I would do. How to budget everything. And then the final straw and the resulting breakdown that made me leave the city.
I now remember all those awful feelings. I don't ever want to feel them again. There's a reason I've pushed them away.
Look at me, I'm Freud.
But going back further, looking at even older posts, I was able to see some happiness. One day I'll explain what life was like and why it had been hard for us. But I managed to find a lot of happiness in it. And that is something I'll hold onto. Situations and people may change, but the good things are worth remembering.
So, in a way, compiling this "Best Of" has been a bit therapeutic. Ain't that special?
At the very least, I now know I've come a long way from those months, and from everything since. And I'll just keep getting better and better until this chick is all smiles, always.
Ok,ok... Always is a hell of a stretch. Most of the time, then.
All new memories from here on are going to kick ass. No ifs ands or assholes. I mean.... buts. And if you had a part in the good ones... thanks for 'em, folks!
Now to (purposefully) switch gears, here's my question for the next vlog - Christmas Edition:
What do you really want for Christmas? And if you don't celebrate, what would you want if you did?
Be honest now. Santa Kris wants to know.