Thursday, December 2, 2010

Pick Your Pocket Full Of Sorrow, Run Away With Me Tomorrow

On my last post, I got a pretty interesting comment from an anonymous poster. Try as I might, I couldn't ignore it. Instead, I thought it deserved its very own entry:

You always talk about beer and fatty food and I think you should consider cutting that out of your diet. You are such a pretty girl and men don't like girls who eat a lot or drink a lot of beer. That might be why you attract these types of guys, because you don't seem delicate enough. You have your looks and you seem really smart, but maybe once they find out you drink beer and eat mcdonalds they are turned off. What if you start gaining weight? I hardly drink and I eat small portions of healthy food and that's how I keep trim for my boyfriend. Just giving some advice, I know being single can be awful.

Who's not delicate?

Whoa.

First of all, I have to say that I really hope this is a joke. Someone's feeble attempt at crappy comedy. Because if not, then it just kinda makes me sad.

I will never ever change myself in hopes that I'll attract a man who can claim me as his own and throw me in the kitchen. Barefoot and pregnant, of course. Screw that. If a man doesn't like a girl who enjoys a bottle of 50 and a Big Mac, then he probably isn't my kinda dude. And for the record, I have no problem attracting men, thankyouverymuch. Some guys like personality.

Now, my dear anonymous friend, since you fear that I'm getting fat, fret not! I love gross fatty food, but I don't live on it. I eat like a normal human; I love food in general. I'm currently 5 foot 8, and usually just under 120 pounds. I think I'm managing ok. (As a matter of fact, Wii Fit tells me I'm underweight - does this mean I should go on a poutine binge?! I hope so.)

All that crap aside, let me tell you why your comment really bothered me. This line right here: I hardly drink and I eat small portions of healthy food and that's how I keep trim for my boyfriend.

Don't keep trim for your boyfriend. Keep healthy for yourself. If you honestly think that your boyfriend will leave you if you gain a measly ounce, then he isn't worth the salad you're surviving on. Instead of giving me advice on how to snag a man, and telling me that I'm not "delicate" enough (Me? Undelicate? Fuck that.), stop living your life based on how you think some guy wants you to be. Seriously.

For me? I need a boyfriend who will want to go out for a pitcher of beer and some chicken wings. Maybe (probably) some other fatty foods. That's called fun. Fun is good for relationships. And I'll tell you this much... every guy I've dated has liked the fact that I'm a beer-chugging, Big Mac scarfing, potty-mouthed kinda chick.

But hey. Maybe we're just different. At least we know we'll never be vying for the same men.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sudden craving for two McChickens, a case of 50 and a side of poutine - extra cheese, of course.



41 comments:

Alyson said...

Ironically I was eating pouting as I read this.

Wow... Is this the 1950's? Any guy worth dating SHOULD love you because of those things! Because they make you You: a real, interesting, human and not some fake Barbie who depends on her waistline instead of her brain to get by.

Tonight I'll drink a beer just for you, Kris!

Masuka said...

I see where that girl is coming from: there IS a segment of the population that try to be like someone they're not for their partner.. And they live their life until one day they can't keep up the lie anymore and they separate. Although I hang my head in shame at bring drank under the table by one, shambled rambler, I do admire your skillz!!!

RasaMi said...

Love it!!

And I agree wholeheartedly. I personally HATE girls who eat like a 12 yearold. If we go out, we should be able to eat like normal people! I hate the ones that make me feel guilty for ordering extra cheese and bacon on my burger!!

Your BGFL,
Rasam

Shevy said...

Oh My God.
I want to meet little miss delicate... i'm pretty sure between the two of us we could steal her boyfriend's heart in a second...

I mean... guys love a girl who can be one of the guys... but also be the kind of girl that can dress up, go out, and turn the head of every other man in the room.

I'm pretty DAMN SURE you fit both of those requirements.

And... just for little miss delicate... a guy who would want a prissy Kris, isn't a guy Miss beer guzzling, big mac scarfing, tucker mouthed Kris would take home to Mom. Hell... Moji would have his head on a platter faster than lightening.

Kris said...

Alyson - Enjoy that beer, girl! I'm jealous of your poutine, I have none!

Masuka - To an extent, I've done it before. Never ever EVER again. And I'd like to drink you under the table again sometime soon, ok?

Rasam - Oh man, now I want a bacon cheeseburger. I shouldn't read this stuff while I'm hungry. ;)

Shev - Haha, actually... I think my mom would like me to be a bit more delicate. She's not so fond the trucker mouth. But she likes that I eat, at least! She taught me well.

Anonymous said...

Burp!!!!!!

Anonyvail said...

I think you should care about what men think, for they are the only ones who will provide happiness. You should eat small portions and skip meals some days. I do this and it makes me very attractive. Also, it doesn't give me gas. I never pass gas and my boyfriend appreciates this. Every night, while he is digging into his fried chicken, I massage his feet. Sometimes, he'll throw a tiny piece of chicken down to me, but I refuse. Afterwards, I hop on the treadmill and burn off imaginary calories.

Honey, men are what matter.

Shevy said...

lol. Ok...
that last Anon is totally a joke.
Dear god...

Either that or someone from down south is reading your blog.

Also Kris...
I didn't mean your Mom wouldn't like you to swear less...
I mean if a Man came in who expected those things of you... (trucker mouth aside) he'd be tossed out on his head... and if not by your Mom... definitely by the Uncles... or ME next time I visit. ;)

Kris said...

Anonyvail.... you shouldn't ever pretend to be a girl, it makes me laugh. and laughing makes me hungry. Will SOMEONE get me a burger already? Haha...

Shevy - Yep, it's a joke. And I knew what ya meant, I just figured I'd make mentioned of my mom's distaste for my swearing. Hi Mom!

Mom said...

yes, I'm not fond of the potty mouth. But I think I have brought up my little girl to be proud of who she is and not to settle for any man that can't accept her for the wonderful person that she is.

Shevy - believe me, there wouldn't be anything left for the uncles to clean up

Kris said...

Aw, my mom called me wonderful. Daisy must've put her up to it. Thanks Mom! But don't beat any boys up 'til I say so. Unless ya really wanna.

TC said...

BAH, that person is crazy (and I was eating a bag of BBQ chips while reading this by the way, after having gone out for steak and red wine AND chocolate lava cake with the boyfriend). I've never known a man who didn't like a partner in crime. What man wants to watch his girlfriend picking at a crappy salad?

We've also gone out for wings and beer, shepherds pie and Wendy's this past week. YUM!

I couldn't hang out with this person, that's for sure.

RealSuperKeith said...

...and the crowd ROARS (Kris! Kris! Kris!). And that's why you're aces in my books.

If the guys don't like u for who you are (what's there not to like?) well then they and the high-horse they rode in on can just go fly a kite (just realized ur Mom's in this here blog-house so trying to keep it clean :)

Stay true to yourself and don't EVER change. WYSIWYGoetz always, right?

Kris said...

TC - Sad as it is, there ARE guys (and girls) who are like that. Their standards are insane and they end up with a robot instead of girlfriend, but they're happy with that. It's pretty bad.

SuperKeith - WhatYouSeeIsWhatYouGoetz - still love it. And yes, you're damn right. Pretending is tiring. I'd rather eat a burger and be happy.(And , as you know, the more cheese curds on the poutine, the better!)

screetus said...

Kris I am in 100% agreement with you on this. That commenter is misguided.

By the way, I just recently started dating a cute girl and she eats anything -- and I love that about her. Of course, she's 300 pounds and by "anything" I mean small children and pets, but still. No, no, I made that last part up, she's beautiful.

PS you're naked in that picture aren't you?

RealSuperKeith said...

Kris: Ohhh yes, and the squeakier the curds the better! Going back home for the XMAS holidays and I can't wait to hit my fave poutine joint on the Plateau Mont Royal and enjoy one avec une grosse de Cinquante!! 

ghost said...

i didn't even need to scroll down below the picture to know where this post was going. i did, though, with a big hearty chuckle because i could see you over in your corner getting taped up and thumbing your nose.

ghost said...

oh, and i'm from down south. i can't think of one person who thinks like this.

Harald Benz said...

Keep loving life! That's what makes you beautiful.
Who needs a dumb barbie anyway?

PS: Get ready for our photo shoot. Have some more beer...

Brian in Mpls said...

As a professional drinker I feel a little sheepish that I don't know what 50 is :( Would it be too much trouble to ask for some product details I want to make sure I am not missing something sinfully delightful.

Born with a big mouth! said...

I wonder if her man controls what she eats .... I HAVE a man at the moment that I strongly believe would love me no matter what my weight. And you've got it right, be healthy for yourself....not TRIM for your man. I feel sorry for her...

now ... let's go eat McD's!!

Kris said...

Screetus - You make me laugh. And yes. I'm naked in the picture. Just me and the beer, doin' what we do. (Actually, no. there's a shirt. Promise.)

Keith - Cinquante! Oh, cinquante.

Ghost - I likes ta fight. And maybe I should move south, huh?

Harald - Barbies are for learning how to cut hair, dismember and melt things. ....right? Beer + photoshoot = funtimes.

Brian - People actually make fun of me for drinking it, they call it an old man beer. But it's Labatt 50. And we have a love affair. ;)

Erin - You have a new man? Oh, congrats! I hope he's amazing. You deserve it. And yes, McD's for ALL!

Mike D. said...

Is this for real? Really?

Caitlin H. said...

OH SNAP.

nicely put, kris. thumbs up!

Kris said...

D- I can't be sure, but it seems to be. Sadly.

Caitlin - Thanks, chick! I know you'd be the same ;)

TC said...

you know what happens though? Guys with girlfriends like that end up cheating (or trying to) with girls like you (and me!). FACT. Why? Because they may think they like the trophy on the arm (and they do, when it serves a show-off purpose) but they want to have a good time too.

So take that with a bit of salad dressing on the side "skinny but empty inside" women of the world.

Kris said...

I'm interweb high-fiving you at the moment. Hope ya caught it!

Krista said...

Great response, Kris, I couldn't have said it without a string of profanities.

2:26 poet said...

What a great post.

If you are not you, then who are you? The toughest relationships imo are when you have to pretend to be something your not in one or more areas of the relationship. This to me, is when being with someone becomes work. And who wants to work? The best relationships are when you are free and open and the other person still likes it all. Why not be you? Who wants to fall in love with a persona? I think we all want to embrace the core of the other, but fear in doing so, we expose our own. This is perhaps the biggest fear in life, to be so completely and deeply vulnerable to being hurt. Sadly, its a prerequisite to true love. God, you sly ironic mutherfucker, why do you tease us so? :)

2:26 poet

Kris said...

Krista - Thanks! And you I usually love the profanities, too. When I read her comment, trust me... they were said.

poet - Great comment as always. And as usual, you're right. You're talking about exactly what I hope to have some day - a relationship where both parties are COMPLETELY themselves. I want to be vulnerable with an equally vulnerable dude, otherwise... it isn't real. I might as well start starving myself and forgetting my love of beer. Men don't like that stuff ;)

PatZ said...

isn't the ability of a chick to drink copious amounts of beer and belch and then go for late night McDick's kind of tantamount to a healthy relationship in the first place? also, being able to spin doughnuts in a truck. that's also key.

Kris said...

...I need a truck, STAT!

Jonathan said...

Hey Krizzzzzzzzy!!! Been a while since I last checked this page out ... I'm sitting at an office in Mississauga and am absolutely bored .... but, this anonymous post is one of the best posts ever!

You need to set up a page on your blog for BEST posts ... please ... this takes the cake.

What if you gain weight? hahahahaahahahahahahahaha!!!

Kris said...

Why are you in Mister Sauga? Jeepers.


A page of my best posts? Yeah, sure. I can do that. Just for you, Jonny. Cuz I care. Or... cuz I don't.

:)

Coop said...

What about homemade steamed hams? Do you dress them up like big macs as well? Personally I like a good dill pickle, tomato, mustard, also real cheese. I can't stand those slices of plastic cheese. "Mmmmmmmm 64 slices of American cheese...63...."

Kris said...

I've never had a homemade steamed ham, I don't think. I'm not a ham fan.... Love bacon, don't dig on ham.

Coop said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO2P-RO7UVA

It's more of an Albany expression. I can't find a good video but this one will explain it.

I should stop speaking in TV show references.

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