Thursday, January 6, 2011

Sing Me To Sleep

Heart pounding, and stomach sick.
Mind racing, hands sweating.
An explosion of tears threatening; waiting at the brink.
Spilled over.
Choking back each breath.
Anxiety. Loss of stability.
Shock and fear.
A breakdown.

That's how it feels. As minimally as it can be explained.

The simplest emotions can have the greatest effect, only to tear down the brave walls we build for ourselves. I'm human. I exist and feel, and it's those very feelings that bring me to my knees and make me weak. It's senseless, but very real. We affect each other. You affect me.

The moment passes.
Composure regained, if only briefly.
Until the next trigger suddenly appears to break the foundation again.

The cycle continues for me, but it won't always. It's a learning process through the years.

Have you stopped yours? Is it the same for you?


18 comments:

phx said...

Hugs.

Kris said...

Thanks, beautiful. No hugs needed (but I'll gladly take 'em), today a couple of different people asked me to explain what my attacks and breakdowns feel like. A random one came out of nowhere, so I wrote it down right after.

Weirdo shit, I tell ya! ;)

Mancrab said...

Be strong Kris! You gotta kick tha shut in the box!

Mancrab said...

Xo xo

Kris said...

You got it, Stu! Muah!

Anonymous said...

I'm one of the people that asked you so I appreciate this. I guess everyone has different experiences. Mine are less... I guess the word would be invasive. They are kind of background noise. Thanks for sharing Kris.

Kris said...

Of course! I'm interested to hear more about yours, if you wanna email me again. It's amazing how much info people have shared with me in the past couple of days... some great insights. We all have our own crap to deal with and our own ways of coping, so it's so helpful to hear how others do it.

Keir said...

I can't suggest ways to stop it, because (and I apologize if this sound smug) I never had it—not in a clinical sense anyway. But I could get situationally anxious to serious degrees when it came to dealing with high-pressure, potentially judgmental situations—especially if I thought I was expected to succeed brilliantly. I was a first child; I had to do everything first: school, driving, dating, college, finding a job, keeping a job...

Eventually I somehow decided that I wouldn't let other peoples' hangups fuck with my art (i.e. my life, or my confidence, or whatever). It's a huge shift to truly not care what anyone else thinks—because it's not natural, is it?—so I won't suggest that either. I was eventually able to dial down that anxiety to a manageable level of empathy, if you can believe that.

Seriously—I figured that if I was worrying/wondering what other people were thinking, I might as well make something useful of it in the right situations. Not over-thinking things got easier when I accepted that I couldn't know everything about everything and wasn't supposed to in the first place.

Does that make sense? I don't mean to be flip about it. I know how it feels to have your heart crushed or to lose days of sleep or worry about the smallest things or be afraid to ask for help.

harald benz said...

I know I'm repeating myself (or maybe not) but what you are describing above is all part of depression.

Kris said...

Keir - Thanks for that. What I described int his post isn't so much about other people or regular constant worrying, though everyone has different triggers. It's just the way some attacks feel, and some literally come from nowhere. Some do, of course. And for that, I'm definitely trying to get a handle on the worrying and being affected by crap from other people. The shift you managed to make isn't easy, so I'm kinda impressed :)

Harald - Yep, it is. Like I said above, some people just wanted a description that was more in-depth. But you know, as much as I do, that they can be hard to explain correctly.

Anonymous said...

I definately get it now.

Kris said...

What do you mean?

Anonymous said...

I get what happens. Its hard to know when you don't have those feelings.

Kris said...

That's what I'm told. Just tryin' to spread the sad ;) (Kidding!)

ghost said...

i remember those. i don't miss them.

Kris said...

I'm very glad that you don't have them anymore, mister. :)

(And I can't wait to say the same!)

Anonymous said...

I'm paraphrasing but someone a lot smarter than I said it's a side effect to being a lot more creative than a regular person.

To be able to feel the whitest white then the blackest black... It can be stifling but most people live in gray and feel nothing.

I'd rather feel something, even if it's feeling like shit.

Kris said...

Yeah, a few people that have talked to me about this lately have mentioned "feeling nothing", and being emotionless due to meds or whatever. I see your point, I wouldn't want that either. I'd truthfully just rather a bit more of those whites you mentioned. :)

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