Saturday, March 19, 2011

Now That You've Found It, It's Gone. Now That You Feel It, You Don't.

The other day on Twitter, I wrote: "Living alone is fucking awesome/lonely".

The amount of responses and messages I got to that was a bit surprising - it's always good to know that other people get where you're coming from. And hey, the "awesome" came before the "lonely". That counts.

But sometimes, on nights that look somethin' like this:


I get bored.

And so, on an evening of such stir craziness, I required entertainment. So I re-activated an old dating profile that I hadn't touched since early summer.

But once the onslaught of messages began, I remembered why I stopped checking it out in the first place.

I shake my head at some of these pick-up lines. They'll surely lead me to drink.


Here are some examples:

"Do u like getting railed for hours???" 

Hell of an intro, dude. Not even a hi, hello, what's your sign?  And you should probably have asked if I dig guys who make duck expressions in their mirror pics as though they were 16-year-old girls discovering Facebook. Also - the picture of your ass? Take it down. Seriously.

"Hey sexiest girl on earth ;) ;) ;)"

So... you're a world traveller? Wink, wink, wink....

"Do you date older men? I have a fast, expensive car that you would look stunning in."

I do, yes. And gosh! Sure, I'll take your car. Thanks!

"Lol Why are you single? Are your pictures fake or something? lol are you really a fat girl pretending to be a hot one? lol"

Lol. Yep. Lol, I'm a fat girl. Lol ya got me, I'm a faker! ....lol.

Chimpin' ain't easy.

Needless to say, there are some good messages. But this online dating crap still ain't my thing. It's way too much work to wade through it all.

I guess I'll stick to real-life encounters with the opposite sex.

How 1999 of me...


91 comments:

screetus said...

LOL. Those lines are the best! ;);) Oh my LOLing god. Clearly these people are true charmers. LOL ;)

Please tell me you messaged the one guy back and said "yes I'd like your car. Here's where to drop it off. And please don't be in it."

Kris said...

LOLOLOLOL!!!!!

;)

Actually, I've fallen in love with that man. We're getting married next week. But once we inevitably divorce, I get the car.

DatingSiteDouche said...

i do travel the world sue me. know what? i don't have to sit here and take this from the likes of u. u with ur dark hair and sarsacm. u think sarsactic chicks get guys? LMAO! plenty of chicks out there baby in the sea of luv. u must be a lesbien. i dated a SUNSHINE GIRL. i have a grate job and lots of moneuy lol now u want me?

LOOOOOL 2 LATE UR LOSS BABE!!!!!!!

Alyson said...

Omg the DatingSiteDouche is hilarious. I love people who need to feel better about themselves by trolling others (on their personal blogs, no less).

Dating sites are shit, all the guys on there seem to be looking for a quick fuck and nothing else. Isn't that what CraigsList is for?

DatingSiteDouche said...

alsyon u think u no me/. cuz u dont. lol i dont want a quick fuck iw ant a family and kids from my seeds to carry my name. u shud think b4 u jugde. chicks these days want 2 much becuz of femanism we shud go back 2 the old ways were u can complament a broad and she likes u. now u say anything and u go to jail LMAOOOO!!!!

Kris said...

This is making my day.

Mike D. said...

You don't need the sites, just walk outside and let them come to you!

Kris said...

Are you telling me to stand on corners? Tsk tsk... you know I'm not a hooker anymore.

Shevy said...

Oh the Douche is amazing... i hope that's all a joke... way too many b4s, 2s, and LOLs for it to be real... or is that realz?

There is this "activities club" in Vancouver called Events and Adventures... it's for single people, so if you're new to the city or are looking to meet other single people. They don't hook you up, but have 30-40 events a month for singles... ok... now i sound like their commercial.

Surely T.O has something similar... that way you could be all 1999 in a slightly organized single kinda way. Plus they look like they do fun things. My gf REALLY wanted me to do that when I first moved here...

The other thing you could do is post a really bad/goofy picture of you... seems like those pics tend to draw a better group of males. Less ego, more confidence.

Drew said...

Who knew this Blog post would be so controversial Kris! But come on why wouldn't you want to date a guy who's line is "Do u like getting railed for hours???" I use it all the time, but somehow all I get is many kicks to the sac, am I using it in the wrong context!
LMAO at DatingSiteDouche and the sentence "u must be a lesbien. i dated a SUNSHINE GIRL." WTF does one have to do with the other. Good for you DSD you dated a Sunshine Girl, your the man, your so much better than me, right.
Alyson, props for backing Kris up!
In my opinion dating sites suck, everyone lies, and bigs themselves up, and that just leads to awkwardness. Good old conversation has always worked for me, hear that DSD good old conversation, I take it back old school. BTW go back to school, learn how to spell, and put grammatically correct sentences together.
Kris you Kick Ass!!! way to take it back to 1-9-9-9

Kris said...

Shev - Ah, I'm not really needing a way to meet people, I literally just get bored sometimes, sitting here. And don't worry, the DatingDouche is fake... or IS he? ;) (When you coming this way??? Soon?)

Drew - Thanks! Always so supportive :)

Aaron said...

I think the dudes who spew those sorts of pick up lines are a product of that lame, downtown, hotshot club scene crawling with women who would actually fall for it - assuming of course there actually was an expensive car.

DSD, you might want to cut back on the percocets.

DatingSiteSouche said...

ur funny aaron NOT. i dont do drugs like u prolably do. only weed./ what r precocet? probaby gay like u LMAO~!!!!

Gary said...

This is hilarious. DatingSiteDouche is obviously a fake. I love how he even spelled his name as 'DatingSiteSouche' the last post.

I always heard girls got messages like those on Dating sites. I would agree with the comment about posting a not so flattering pic. (I have said this to you before but I don't think you could take a bad pic, being very photogenic!)

And I get the boredom thing too I have been there before, and sometimes still find myself in that state. (Taking up photography has diminished that a lot thankfully)

Props to twisting what Mike D said. I think the comments on this one were more entertaining than the original post (which was still entertaining)

Hope being back in TO is going great for ya Kris!

1:54 poet said...

Lonely ok, but bored, how can one be bored in this day and age. No Kris, never bored. Clearly you are an internet veteran so there's a shitload of lifetimes of entertainment at your mousetips. Plus video games, video games, video games. Seriously, they are so crazy now in every johnra that your mind can be blown multiple times in a single session. From Little Big Planet to Call of Duty, and Mario in between, its all buttercakes with bicuits and gravy.

1:54 poet

Anonymous said...

I'll spare you all of the long, drawn out details but speaking of dating and being creepy or insecure...

I was introduced to young Kris here a while back at The Rhino before she moved away. She was introduced as "the writer" and I instantly formed a wee crush on her as I'm sure a lot of you have. She's cool, confident, intelligent and a little on the attractive side.

Time passed and I befriended her on FB as it seemed that my entire group of friends knew her and I thought it no harm and it was a good way of getting to know her, or so I thought. I've tried online dating and there really is only so many times that you can do the back and forth of "how are you?", "where you from?", "can I come over?" k, scratch that last one!

Anyway we exchanged a couple of messages and she was no longer living in TO so it was a little moot.

Short story long, I messafed her the other night after about 15hrs of drinking on Paddys day and I must have come across a little strong because I was referred to as 'creepy'. Now I've been called a lot of things but that got to me somehow. Mostly because I don't really see a way back from that one.

I am a proud father of a 4 year old, have a successful business, have many friends and I have a lot to offer. So I ask you, 'Shambled Rambling' bloggers and readers, is my Goose cooked or is there a way to get out of this hole I'm in and show this gifted, wonderful person that 'creepy: is something I was saving for when I was much older and for sitting on park benches and scratching myself?

Appreciate your input.

J

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DreamShower said...

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Big Dill said...

The road to paradise is long, bumpy and sweet

Boo Cake said...

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Anonymous said...

To J the anonymous poster, boo-fucking hoo for you

CreepsAreFreaks said...

yeah creepo, keep your creepy ways to yourself you freaky creepville creeper

Anonymous said...

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Krista said...

Oh Kris, you sure attract some special characters around here! At least they are good for a chuckle.

I feel you on the living alone. Sure, I wasn't alone but when Brian was gone for months and I had the apartment to myself I liked coming and going, sleeping alone, doing my thing. But sometimes I got bored too. Talking to yourself helps. Everyone does it. Admitting it is the first step.

Masuka said...

I wear rubber pants.

Jetson Stamina said...

I have a confession to make. I got railed for like... hours.

I am now wrapped in a gauze-diaper that's packed so tight with vaseline, my balls look like something on the back of the In-Utero cover.

TC said...

UGH just thinking about online dating makes me feel exhausted and like I want to give up.

I've done it before and never will again.

Kevin Lenard said...

To J, read my post on drunk texting. Sadly there is no going back.
http://justonecynicsopinion.blogspot.com/2011/03/drunk-dialing-vs-drunk-texting.html

Jetson's Ass said...

*slurp*

Johnny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johnny said...

A female friend of mine was using one of these "dating" sites and was delighted to show me the barrage of crass messages that she received. One message in-particular caught my eye from a sterling gent calling himself "Darknight3000".

His message to her... "Have you ever had an asian cock?"

Being the upstanding citizen and awesome friend that I am, I took it upon myself to reply to his thought provoking question (with her permission).

Using every inch of my sarcasm I could muster, I replied "Yes, but that was before my operation."

Alas, he didn't see the funny side.

Kris said...

Jesus, guys! I stay off the internet for a couple days, and now I dunno who to respond to...

Wowzers.

Crystal Gibson said...

Wait, is dating site douche fake?

Kris said...

Yes.

I'm pretty sure.

God, I hope so!

GOD-like said...

PLEASE RESPOND TO EVERYONE! pretty-please...

Handsome Midget said...

I always eat out and do so standing up.

Pygmy Bushman said...

Me too!!

ghost said...

one of my students told me she was online dating today. i figure stuck ina school full of the opposite sex, the internet wouldnt be her first choice. she told me dating was easier this way.

i walked away.

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Johnny said...

@1:54 poet

You dear sir/madam are a genius!

"Plus video games, video games, video games." Yes, yes and yes!

I even approve of your wonky spelling of "genre".

Kris said...

Poet's always good times.

hank_moody13 said...

Wow... some real charmers. I have several lady friends who have lamented about online dating and get very much the same kind of messages you did. I'm not exactly sure what makes some guys think they can get away with stuff like that... *shakes head*

Myself, I always *READ* the profile and try to write a meaningful response. Of course, I'm pretty picky too... bad grammar/spelling, too much text speak, among other things are a huge turn off. LOL

I've linked to your blog... would you mind doing the same?

Thanks and I enjoy reading your blog!

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