Friday, April 15, 2011

I Wouldn't Want You To Want To Be Wanted By Me

This... is a knife.

A big damn knife.

Used for big damn heavy duty cutting of big damn heavy duty things.

This is a big dog treat with amazing powers. Mainly the power of doggie oblivion.

While chewing this tasty drug-like treat, my usually perceptive dog would become completely oblivious to everything, including:

- me leaving her alone
- the apocalypse
- Mickey Mouse kicking the shit out of the Jonas Brothers.

This stuff is pure gold in a yellow package.

And so, since I had both of my doggies yesterday and had to leave them alone for a few meetings, I decided to use the big damn knife (pictured above) to cut the treat (pictured above) in half, so each of my JRTs could be in blissful treat oblivion.


Well. When you're headed out the door and in a bit of a rush, it's probably unwise to wield large knives, especially when attempting to cut something that absolutely does not wish to be cut.

And so... the knife slipped.

The scene looked much like this, but with the addition of screamed expletives and blood everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.

My finger resembled a scene out of Hobo With a Shotgun. That is to say that the stream of blood was closely matched by the stream of four-letter words from my mouth. So... neverending.

Ouch, with a side order of panic and pissed off-edness.

Now, I'm no fan of blood... and if you find it puke-worthy, you may want to skip the next pic. I took it when I thought the blood had finally stopped so I could text it to my friend for sympathy points, and he could take part in my plight.

Yep, this was as close to "normal" as it was getting.

Now? The jerk still hurts, and I'm scared to take off the bandage.

So let this be a lesson to you boys and girls. There's a moral here, and that moral is:

If you're an idiot, don't cut stuff. You will bleed.
The end.


Aaron said...

I managed to slice both my index fingers between 1991 and 1992. First time was from using a filet knife to put a new notch in my belt. That's both stupid and funny, considering I'm 4 notches over at this point. Second time, I was cutting something and my Swiss army knife folded.

I agree with the moral. Speaking of myself, of course.

phx said...


Kris said...

Aaron - We need adult supervision.

phx - You said it!

Mancrab said...

Moral of the story buy two bones next time! You should
Put crazy glue on it to seal it up good or you could buy
Second skin.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kris said...

I did buy two bones, but they're for bigger dogs so we cut em in half for Daisy sometimes. This time it didn't work out so well ;)

Gotta hunt for super glue, Super Stu!

ThisIsAndrew said...


You're on a roll with the insanely graphic blogs lately.

Kris said...

Am I?

Geez, I guess you're right.

Sadly, I don't think I have anything graphic to say today.

Anonymous said...

Did the dog food people ever compensate you?

Kris said...


I had to get back in touch with them with more info... haven't heard back since then.

PatZ said...

I did that years ago while cutting a pumpkin at halloween. i was also telling/showing my sister how to she shouldn't hold the knife to avoid cutting herself.
of course, that necessitated the knife just about slicing off the side of my thumb as soon as I finished saying that...
stitches ensued... i told everyone at school i was bored and trying to juggle kitchen knives.

Kris said...

Ha! Not 'ha' at the pain... but 'ha' at the juggling knives story.

I'm pretty sure I'll have a scar, and I've decided to say I was in a knife fight. Technically it's true. I fought a knife, and the knife won.

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