Monday, June 13, 2011

And What I Learn From You Is That History Is Just The Things We Do

The following message is the Shambled Email o' The Week.

I laughed, I cried, I did dishes and took a nap.

Take it however ya will, and remember - I judge all yer emails:

Dear Miss Ramblings,

The other day as I was resisting arrest for downloading too many Japanese anime movies, the SWAT team accidentally noticed the floor to ceiling shrine I have dedicated to you.

At first I though this might be my chance to escape. I figured your handsomely chiseled face would stun the stormtroopers into an erotic submission (which I was at that moment experiencing). But I guess their special anti-moonray goggles disrupted your siren song.

So yeah I am now writing you from federal prison.

But it's not so bad here, thanks for asking. They have warm food and crafts. And I of course I have you. Every time I look at my right palm, there you are, looking right back at me.

No literally. I got your face tattooed on my right palm. It's an anime version of your face that I think would fit you nicely. Ever think of plastic surgery to maybe move your eyes a little bit further apart? You know, maybe just a new hairstyle would do. Kinda spikier and bluer.

Anyways, I decided to get my left palm tattooed with MY face. That way, every time I applaud something, it's like we're having a loud conversation with short undecipherable words. But I'll know what you're saying... *CLAP CLAP CLAP* ... Yes? Seal wanna fishie?

I hope this email finds you well. I was the first person to see your last post because I have your blog on a 1 second automatic refresh. I don't think you should talk to that video guy anymore. He sounds very
normal and well adjusted. I didn't think your tongue thing was something that should have turned him on, because it wasn't for him. Your tongue is for me and our pet unicorn Isosceles only.

I knew you were talking to me in that video because my mom said she drank a lot of Labatt 50 when she was pregnant. And you were drinking Labatt 50, which I'm like 34% percent made of. So you were drinking
me and that means you like me. I think he should not be rude to you anymore and instead drive into a ditch or a Tim Hortons.

Oh look it's time to go have a prison shower. There's some nice guys in the shower. One guy even kinda looks like you if I close my eyes and hold my breath. And yes, you were amazing, of course! Just how I envisioned it to be, minus the soap and the taste.

Anyways, take care!

Your biggest fan,
Stan, the future Mr. Ramblings


Masuka said...

you look naked in that picture.. I think you should send stan a pin-up picture of you he can put next to his prison bunk.. Then when he is being made a prison bitch, he can look at you and think happy thoughts.

Kris said...

But I'm already tattooed on his hand! :)

Mike D. said...

Is this real???!?

Masuka said...

...sounds to me like his hand is busy.

Kris said...

Mike - No. But yes. But also no. It was written by a real person (not named Stan). But not all parts are factual.... or something. Just go with it, lemme have some mystery here. :)

Masuka - I figured this post would bring on the Masukaisms!

Baron Von Farty Pants said...

Is this forever...!!!!???

ghost said...

i thought i was the only one.

Kris said...

Baron - Is what forever? Stan's love? Yes.

ghost - I love your emails! Send more.

Anonymous said...

what you get for being hot.

Kris said...

He only loves me for the words I type.

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