Friday, August 19, 2011

Turn The Oscillator; Twist It With A Dollar Bill

While it's fairly common knowledge that I tend to prefer being in a relationship, I hafta admit - being a solo chick & living alone has its benefits.

In the interest of whining less, allow me to outline some of the positive points of being single and living alone.

Y'all ready?

I can sing stupidly loud and annoyingly all day and all night if I please. And I usually do, with great pride.

No one else is forced to eat the potentially inedible food I make. Just me, but I can handle it. Usually.

My made up words and nutbar voices that I use to speak to Daisy are not heard by anyone but us. And maybe the neighbours. But who gives a crap about neighbours?

Every day is clothing-optional. Not that it necessarily wouldn't be if I lived with a guy, but ya never know when people have been invited over. Hmm.

The toilet seat? Yeah, that bitch stays down. No late night fallin' in.

I can watch whatever I want at all times. If it's a crappy 90's sitcom? No one will complain. I am the all-powerful ruler of the remote.

An entire bed to myself without anyone stealing the blankets or hitting me with rogue arms and legs during the night.

I don't have to teach anyone that underwear is inanimate and will not pick itself up off the floor. There's a universal problem that exists between men and their gitch. It's not an art installation; it's laundry.

I do what I want, when I want, where I want... etc, etc. No questions asked. No one to worry about.

Not to say there aren't downsides but I think everyone should try living alone, at least once in their lives.

Don't get me wrong - I am still on the hunt for a really great dude who I will eventually wish to co-habitate with again (assuming he exists). But in the meantime?

I'm absolutely fine being alone - just me, my chickdog, and all my quirky ways.


Krista said...

I am happily married and enjoy living with Brian but it's the GREATEST when he goes away and the toilet seat stays the eff down.

Absolute. Greatest.

Phronk said...

I agree so hard. I think half of my fear of committment comes from the fact that committment could lead to cohabitating. I can cook hot dogs at 3 in the morning then pass out listening to hair metal if I want to, and losing that previldge would be a tragedy.

Kris said...

It's not even a big pet peeve of mine, but I'm happy about the little things.

Kris said...

Oh hell, Phronk! That was on the list! I forgot to add "eating Big Macs in bed after the bar and listening to Sabbath and Spice Girls in bed".


Masuka said...

More clothing optional days.

Kris said...

That's everyday, doll!

Masuka said...

I like your style.

Alyson said...

The best thing about living in our apartment is that the toilet seat is screwed on funny so the lid never. stays. up. I win ;)

Kris said...

Another trick is to use those covers for the toilet lids, the ones made outta the same material as the bathroom rugs? They cause the lid to close. Yep.

Toronto Tourist said...

Except for the sleeping alone, that pretty much sums up everytime I get loaded.


Drunk: Aww, you left your underwear on the floor! :D:D:D

Kris said...

Hahaha... that's why some relationships drive us to drink. Makes 'em more tolerable. Sometimes.

mk said...

Most problems with cohabitation can be attributed to space constraints. I'd never attempt it in an apartment unless there was a second or third bedroom .No matter how often a day you want someone's ankles on your shoulders, constant contact will wear.Definitely have to have multiple tvs and computers. I will say though, even though I like the place not a shithole, I've never cared about someone's underwear left on the floor. That's just so miniscule amongst everything else.

Kris said...

Yeah, it is. That's the point... this is supposed to be a lighthearted stupid look at why it's not so bad to be single.

Trust me, any dude I've loved hasn't gotten in shit from me for living underwear on the floor.

Kris said...

Leaving. Yeah, leaving. Not living.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sounds good. Getting used to being alone can make you learn so much about yourself. Rock.

Kris said...

High fives, mister!

1:19 poet said...

I just wanted to appeal to my fellow bretheren to join the 'pee sitting down revolution 'PSDR''. Its an elite group of confident, self assured men who are secure in their in manliness and recognize cohabitation can be possible with one washroom, when both the man and woman pee sitting down!

PSDR's mandate was predicated upon the following tennets of truth:

1) Women can actually fall through toilet seats when its dark at night and they don't see an up lid! Their arses are smaller than ours, remember that! How would you like to wake up in the middle of the night for a tinkle and haphazzardly dunk your donuts in city water?

2) Lets face it, no matter how pure your stream is, men, we all have 'side tinkle'. Sure we are aiming for the center of the bowl, while we stand them, ever so graceful, but our stream is far from laserbeam tight. Golden flecks shower off the mainline at obtuse angles and riddle the accompanying floor with microdots of your urinary brew (also know as Lakehead beer, you hosers!)

3) Sitting is comfortable. Need we say more. We are both sitting right now. We are both comfortable.

4) You are old enough now to stop playing 'biggest bubble' every time you do a standing pee. Sure it is fun to pound the water with your stream and make bubbles that combine to form bigger and bigger bubbles in an attempt to grow the biggest bubble ever and further your plan at world domination through peeing bubbles, but grow up. Its over man. What is better, boob pillows or pee bubbles?

If you all heed my call and join PSDR, we can all look forward to a future with warmer toilet seats and pee-free porcelain!

1:19 poet

Kris said...

Poet, I have dearly missed you.


10:36 poet said...

It feels nice to be missed. Maybe I will go away again, just so I can be missed. Elvis did it, Biggie too.

Hey, just a thought. You could start a PWSU sisterhood where you could 'Pee while standing up'. Of course, you would only practice at the houses of guys who have left the seat up in your past. I can see it now, the sisterhood's tagline would be, 'Everybody sits, or everybody stands'.

10:36 poet

TC said...

man, you are so right on this one. And when you are paired up, sometimes those times you get to be alone for awhile are like GOLD.

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