Saturday, October 29, 2011

Lovin' You Was Like Lovin' The Dead

Ah, Halloween.

Didja know it happens every year?

This year, I'm without a costume. Was going to go out on a hunt for the perfect Wonder Woman get-up, but was too busy. Or too lazy. Whichever.

I suppose if I decide to head to one of the Halloween parties, I could always recycle a costume from past years...

Like Pamela Anderson, with no Tommy Lee this time.

But without the blonde hair, I'd just be a random whore-y looking girl. Unless I wore a sign that said "Tommy Lee gave me Hepatitis!"

There's always Angelina Jolie. I no longer have the fake foreign baby I carried around, and I think I ditched the vial of Billy-Bob's blood. But it's doable.

Anyone have 5-10 non-Caucasian babies I can borrow?

And Zorro Chick or whatever that was. Re-used some form of that costume for 2 or 3 years.

I keep forgetting that I wore a dark wig for all these costumes during the blonde days. S'pose it would be pretty damn pointless to wear it over my dark hair now.

And oh yes... Veronica Lodge. Complete with Betty, Archie, and the whole Riverdale crew.

If I was ever to bring back Miss Lodge, I'd have to cartoonify her more. Without the fake "Lodge Bucks" I made, it's pretty much just me in a dress.

Of all these, late-nineties Angelina seems like the only one that could still work. Won'tcha be my Billy-Bob?

...then again, I may just forgo all parties and be boring with my still-kinda-sick dog. And if so, you know I'll be having a Type O Negative living room dance.

And hell, I could always go out as Zombie Pete Steele! Sigh, RIP dude...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

You're The Star Of The Masquerade

Last night I grabbed some friends and headed to 99 Sudbury for HarthFEST (thanks Sean!).

Two rooms, two vibes, a boxing ring stage.

Some band action, some burlesque action and some Andy Milonakis action.

Good times.

Got to meet some people I've been talking to for awhile, luckily proving that I'm not really Polkaroo to the online scene-people.

Saw a lot of familiar faces that I should've said hi to (and wanted to), but I'm the idiot that assumes they'd have no idea who I was and be creeped out by this weirdo chick who knows their name. This is why I always feel a hundred times better when said familiar faces approach me. *whew*

I've said it before - I'm an introverted extrovert, and a social dork.

I make friends with complete strangers, but become a bit shy with those I kinda-slightly-almost know.

Thanks to Steve for sending me all the pics he took - my ancient Blackberry was half dead and could no longer take any photos.

Yeah, yeah, bring on the Blackberry jokes. Heard 'em. Thanks.

Upgrading soon, leave me alone!

I kinda want a boxing ring for my living room. I think it would be a nice touch; a conversation piece.

And that way when I threaten to punch people in the throat (which I often do), I'll have the proper place to do so.

Watch yerselves.

Likely cursing at my phone in this pic, or proclaiming my love for Affan via Twitter.

Great shot of Sarah, Steve's awesome girlfriend.

She had a not-so-secret admirer of the night. I can't say I blame the dude!

All in all, a good night. It promised to be a "colourful event" and it sure as hell was. Kudos to those who put all the planning into it - hope it turned out exactly the way you expected!

Sadly, most people I ran into last night have ended up with a similar pic of me on their phone. Je m'excuse!

As for today, I have a sick Daisy to attend to. Looks like a night of cancelled events swapped for dogsitting!

Friday, October 21, 2011

We Want The Airwaves Back

Oh, hi there.

It's Friday and I'm crazy busy, so excuse me while I use this post to self-promote the crap outta myself while you roll your eyes and seek out the next website to entertain you.

I apologize in advance. But do I mean it? Ah, who knows.

Shameless Self-Promotion #1:

I've told you that work has kept me busy. And some of you have emailed questions, wanting to know more. So... to make it easier (for me), just head on over to the Facebook page, press the 'like' button and let the adventure into my business begin.

You wanna be a client? Let me know.

You wanna join the freelance team? Show me your work, let me mock you for 3 whole minutes, and then we'll see. Come on, that's fair.

Shameless Self-Promotion #2:

On the topic of The Book of Faces, I also made a Shambled Ramblings page because some people bitched that there wasn't one. Moral of the story? Sometimes when you bitch, I'll listen.

Well, I'll either listen or kick you in the throat. Take your chances, monkeys!

Shameless Self-Promotion #3:

When Women Blogged The Earth is an article about me and 3 notable female bloggers in Toronto. So, read it. Or pretend you did, and say "Hey Kris! I read that article. Great quote about the stuff and other things. So poignant."

I'll know exactly which one you meant, of course.

Shameless Self-Promotion#4:

Do you live in Mississauga? Or Brampton? Or... whatever other cities are in that general area?

Cool. I don't, but that means you get to watch me on TV.

Next Wednesday at 9:30pm (while I'm at HarthFEST), check out 'Single In The City' on channel ten. I'm on the last segment, called 'He Said, She Said'. Watch me speak like an idiot, avoid all eye contact with the camera and be a jerkass to people.

And, uh... record it for me. Because I don't get it in Toronto, and will therefore never see it. So show it to me, because I enjoy making fun of myself a bit too much.

Self-promotion - over!

Enjoy the weekend, freaks and geeks! This chick is Niagara-bound.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Don't Look In The Mirror At The Face You Don't Recognize

Burgers 'n beer.

Oh, how I love thee.

If you'll remember (you don't), I blogged awhile back about Grindhouse Burger Bar. The onion rings changed my life, and the burgers... aw, hell. I might go back right now.

Anyway. A bunch of us met up for some burger & beer time. You may recognize some of the rascals in question. And if ya don't, learn 'em up quick!

This is a picture of my Nate taking his first bite of meat in... what, two months? Three?

Worth it. He'll tell ya so himself.

He's a kickass photographartistguy. If I ask him nicely, maybe he'll do a burger photoshoot.

My favourite afternoon date partners. Love 'em. Best hugs in the city.

My sister and bro-in-law came out too, which was fun.

Brought about a bit of an Android v.s. iPhone conversation, which I'll get to shortly. Siri-ously.

Foodies. Likely sharing a foodie joke that us non-foodies don't get.

I can only assume it's not about Big Macs... Joel doesn't think Big Macs are a laughing matter.

I think Big Macs are a delicious matter, however.

Look! Nate and I have tongues! Imagine that.

Somehow I missed a picture of the lovely Jill and her supercute fiance. I'll be sure to rectify that next time.  Good times, burgerfreaks!

Now... onto the phone debacle.

My Blackberry has gone tits up, so to speak.  The Bell guy told me I'm due for an upgrade (yay), and I've been planning on going Android next. I just dig 'em. But, I'll admit, I'm not always the most knowledgeable chick when it comes to these damn cellular devices, so gimme your guidance if you must.

Teach me, phone Yodas.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Pick Up The Receiver, I'll Make You A Believer

On Friday night, I headed to Brassaii to celebrate the birthday of my gorgeous friend Laura.

How I've missed this chick. Truly.

It was awesome to hang out with so many friends I haven't seen in a long time, and see Bob spin to a different crowd than I'm used to.

As per usual, I got in the face of dudes that try to touch me or my friends. I can't help it - I think chicks should be able to dance and have fun without being pawed at by overdressed drunk guys. Luckily, these ones played along after awhile and got the hint. I think.

All in all it was a fun time... til the next day. While I stayed fairly sober, I did drink a beer at Brassaii that smelled slightly... off. Shouldn't have done that. Was sick all Saturday, and then headed to the Lisa Hannigan show at The Mod Club.

And that brings on a whole new story.

I was pretty excited for the Lisa Hannigan show, and damn glad I started to feel better about an hour beforehand. I even wore a dress to see my girl-crush. So, there I was... pretty close to the stage, blown away by her amazing voice, loving the show... when I started to see dots in my eyes, or what I call a "brownout". It's like the beginning stages of a blackout that never quite comes.

I closed my eyes and assumed it would pass, but when I opened them I couldn't see anymore. I could see lights, but not make out any shapes or people. My friend noticed and had me grab onto him, when suddenly I couldn't breathe properly. Scared the shit outta me; I didn't know what was happening. I managed to let him know I had to get out of there, and he led me to the back where he got me some water, but I couldn't drink it. I needed to get outside and try to breathe, but he had to take me there because I couldn't see. The pain in my chest had increased and my breathing got worse. I was frightened and started to tear up, which really didn't help matters.

Luckily there was a medic there, and he sat me down, told me to lean forward and try to breathe. He gave me some water and asked me some questions, and it turns out that what happened was a result of my anxiety disorder being taunted by my blood sugar problems. How fun. And odd, because I had no anxiety - I was fine. I'm assuming the blood sugar issue was the main culprit.

Way to go, blood sugar. You asshat.

The medic had the same health issues I do, and gave me something to bring with me whenever I leave the house. It's a dextrose gel that will keep me from passing out whenever my blood sugar dips:


Don't be jealous of my 'Dex Glucose 4', guys. Or my way to ruin shows by losing my sight and ability to breathe.

Luckily, the rest of the show was enjoyed without incident.  And my girl-crush on Lisa Hannigan remains. Here's the kickass version of Personal Jesus she did for her final encore. Watch the whole thing for the fun parts, it was so good live.

Friday, October 14, 2011

What Comes Is Better Than What Came Before

I have never used LOL in a sentence.

Except, of course, to type that I've never used it.

I get the concept. I understand why people use it. But... I just can't do it.

I'm more of a "ha" or "hahaha" chick. Maybe a "heh", if your comedic skills allow for it.

But LOL? Nope. If ever I actually do laugh out loud, I'll say "I actually just laughed out loud like a dumbass". That's how you know you're good.

And yeah, the subject of this post is insanely stupid - but I have certain pet peeves, and this is my damn spot for rant-age. Ya dig? It's likely my love of words that prevents me from using it. That, and its extreme overuse by the masses.

An old pic of what laughing sometimes looks like.
Over the years this "LOL" phenomenon has gotten out of hand. I'm putting my foot down (or perhaps shoving it up your collective asses). A sentence like "Oops, I slept in late!" is just fine the way it is. Don't ruin the meaning by changing it to "lol oops I just slept in! lolololololol."

Which brings me to another point - "lolololololol" technically is saying "laugh out loud out loud out loud out loud...". Just how loud are you laughing? Quiet down, damn you!

I'm in the minority here, and I know that. Most people use Ye Olde Lol in almost every sentence, and will continue to. That's fine - it's your prerogative to choose your own interweb-speak. But please don't ever expect me to use it, or start LMAOing or ROTFLing... because I'll always pronounce them as words. Le-ma-oh. Rot-ful. Yep. I do that.

I apologize that this bitchy blog post doesn't make you laugh out loud. But at least it's not all about "FML", because that shit is a whole 'nother story.

So... BRB. Or something.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

We're Going Where The Winds Are Blowin'

Every year the Everything To Do With Sex Show comes around, and every year I miss it. Even when I worked at Proud FM and we had a booth there each year... I was writing ads for it, and I still didn't end up going.

I always hear how much fun people have when they go - as a single, twenty-something blogger chick I really have no reason not to.

Well it's comin' around again, and this time I plan to be there. And after finding out about a fun promotion for it, I can only imagine how many of you will be going along with me. Some huge posters for the Everything To Do With Sex show will be put up around the city, and attached to some will be a pair of Baci Lingerie and a coupon for ten dollars off of admission.

If you want 'em, check out the maps here and go get some gitch!

Speaking of "Everything To Do With Sex" (great segue, Kris...), after all of our blog discussions about him (here and here), Masuka's baby was born over the weekend.

Say hi to little Evan - in this picture, he's meeting their dog, Oakley, for the first time. He's a beautiful little monkey, and I can't wait to meet him!

Congrats to Masuka and Nat! Woo hoo!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

To Live In A Paper House Again, Where We Grew By The Light Of The Moon

It's Canadian Thanksgiving - gobble gobble gobble, folks.

So, to thank you guys for reading and being so goshdarn nice to me, I've got a Thanksgiving giveaway for ya.

I received some info about a new program from Sobeys. You actually get to track the journey your seafood took to get to your grocery store.

A bit more about it:

From the fisherman who caught it, the boat it was caught on, the fishing area it was caught from and the fishing method used, this system will enable you to make more informed decisions about the seafood you bring home. Customers can trace their fresh seafood by inputting a unique code found on the product packaging on For traceable Sensations by Compliments seafood, customers will find a unique code to input on

Pretty cool, right? This kinda stuff blows my measly mind. I dig it.

Well, they gave me a $30 Sobeys gift card to give to you so you could try it out yourself. If you wanna win, just leave a comment below and tell me what you're thankful for (no matter how weird or stupid... hell, I'm thankful for cheesecake and staplers) and then check back in a few days to see if you won.


As for me... I stayed in the city this holiday weekend, and will probably just spend my Thanksgiving with Daisy. Perogies count as a Thanksgiving meal, right? Or maybe 4 or 5 pumpkin pies. That'll work, too.

Happy Thanksgiving, hosers! Enjoy the tryptophan-fest!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I'm Stuck In A City, But I Belong In A Field

Back with some long-due video blog action.

This one features not one but TWO perverts, a talking dog, technical difficulties & wonky hair, the sounds of my boyfriend Julian Casablancas, and some good ol' fashioned penis conversation (including the patented Circumscissors. Yikes).

Use the force, Luke.


Monday, October 3, 2011

Like Two Strangers Turning Into Dust

Do familiar songs in advertising campaigns work on you?

Lately there have been an abnormal amount of songs I actually like in commercials for things that I (usually) couldn't give a crap about. Hell, in most cases I couldn't even tell you what they're trying to sell - I just recall hearing a good tune on some random commercial.

One in particular is for Gears of War 3, a new game for Xbox. Along with scenes from the game, they play a Mazzy Star song that you wouldn't normally expect in this type of commercial. But man, does it ever get 'em stuck in my head forever - so much so that I'm back to listening to them on a regular basis. And yet... I won't be buying Gears of War (likely because I don't own an Xbox).

So what are they really selling here? Seems like they're just re-selling my Mazzy Star love right back to me. And hey, that's ok. It just so happens to be a song I like to sing.

On a completely unrelated topic, Masuka needs our help.

Y'see, he's about to have a baby boy. Yes, our resident pervert-friend is married and procreating. But, in usual Masuka form, he has questions that need answers. Since I always answer them on the video blogs, I've decided to throw this one at you guys & get your opinions about the male genitalia.... yep. It's a penis post.

His dilemma:

Dear kristen...
I have spawned. Since it is a boy, I'm getting lots of questions of circumcision. As a lady, what are your thoughts on snip snip? Do chicks care if there's a foreskin? As Masuka, I'd want my spawn to get ladies. There is a movement in the western world against circumcision, but i have also heard of girls refusing to "deal" with that.... what do you think i should do???

Comment away, monkeys. And be honest. I'll give the answers to my dear Masuka in a video blog later this week.

In the meantime, I now have to go sing loudly to some Mazzy tunes and stop the image of circumcisions from flashing before my damn eyes.

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