Friday, November 25, 2011

You've Got To Roll With The Punches To Get To What's Real

I read your post about being single and not needing a man to take care of you and I thought I would ask some advice (sorry if it sounds stupid, it feels a bit strange to ask for help from a stranger). My fiancé and I recently broke up after 6 years together and I'm a bit lost and freaked out at the moment. Do you have any tips for a woman who has never been alone or even lived alone before?

Teach me your ways!


 I'll give you some pointers based solely on my own experience. Some people may disagree with me, but those people are what I like to call "dumbasses". Just kidding. Everyone is different, so what works for me may not work for you.

Anyhoo... my random thoughts:

1. If you're going to be living alone for the first time ever, get a pet. You're going to feel strange and lonely at first, and a pet can help with that.

It's not considered 'talking to yourself' if you pretend you're conversing with a dog. Pro tip.

2. Get out. Do fun things, get distracted, meet new people. If you're anything like me, breakups have a way of making you feel shittier than anything else possibly could - good folks can help that, even if temporarily.

3. Y'know all those things you wanted to wear/do/have/etc, but your dude wasn't a fan? Yeah. He's no longer an issue. You are free to do absolutely anything you want to. In every way. (Just don't murder people, I hear jail's kind of a downer).

Oh, you hate this colour lipstick? Cool. Move out.

4. Dating can be fun (and again, distracting), but it's probably a good idea not to rush into another serious relationship right away. It'd likely be for the wrong reasons, like loneliness and an inability to properly use a hammer. Relationships for those reasons alone inevitably fail, and people get hurt. Sometimes with hammers.

5. Do you have a lot of single friends? Good. If you don't? Try to meet some. The last thing you want to do is be a third wheel (or fifth wheel) to happy couples. They'll lead you to drink. Which brings me to my next point...

6. Beer is delicious. That doesn't necessarily help you in any way, I just wanted you to know. Poutine, too. That shit is better than men.

I can see clearly now, the beer is gone. But more is coming.

7. Everything in this old post rings true still.

8. You have total freedom. You may be sad, lonely, and unsure of what to do... but you always have options. It's hard to start over when you're used to being part of a package deal; it's like half of you walked out the door and you can no longer keep your balance. You can. Hell, I have a couple of years of blog-posts to tell you all you need to know.

And if all else fails, re-read #6 and repeat.

Good luck - I hope you find out how happy you can be alone. That's the only way you will ever be happy again with anyone else - people used to tell me that all the time when I didn't want to hear it, and they were right. (First person to say "I told ya so" gets a throat punch.)

Happy? Might as well jump.

Any other advice for our girl, reader-folks?


Bill said...

Follow (6 and listen to jump on repeat. Great song

Kris said...

That right there is good advice.

Brian The American said...

I loved this post.

Kris said...

Thanks, darlin'! You're a good American boy.

Brian The American said...

I like to pretend I am. ;)

Anonymous said...

Meet NEW people. If you've been entrenched in a relationship for years, your current friends can and will act as a reminder of the past you'd like to move passed. Don't drop your friend by any means but use the opportunity now to take down social walls you had up while you were in a couple. There's LOTS of amazing people out there. Don't be afraid to say hi to them.

Kris said...

Very, very true.

More people!

Anonymous said...

read "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken".. this made me snap out of everything very, very quickly!

Kris said...

Hey Cole, you still in Toronto?

Marie said...

Your tips made me laugh and they make sense to me! Thanks for answering my dumb email and making me feel better.


Anonymous said...

I'll be by later to collect my throat punch.

k said...

I'm going to slightly disagree with number 6..just because i've seen it taken much much too far. If the break-up was a mutual one or you did the dumping, than a little boozing ..getting your mind off the sadness of it all is no big deal, but if you were the one dumped and it was unexpected and you're having trouble dealing, alcohol will royally f*ck your ability to cope over the long term. A friend of mine was just dumped, the girl basically could model, tall ,thin, the one that all the other chicks automatically hate. She was dating a balding shlub who was so far out of his league that it was almost ludicrous, but he went back to his ex. Completely destroyed her. Her first serious love. Started lightly drinking to cope then pushed it till it was a dozen shots and beer chasers whenever out. A complete mess. When you're that emotionally broken by an end of a relationship, you get help. Therapy, anti-anxiety meds..anti-depressants whatever. I drink,this is not meant to be some teetotalling sermon, but alcohol has caveats it will definitely exacerbate any depression. Sorry for the after-school special type comment, Maybe it's because I had another friend, years back, he was unceremoniously dumped as well, drank himself to shit over the ensuing year or so, then stepped in front of a train. Alright, enough maudlin crap. Only thing i'd add to Kristen's list is to treat whomever you rebound with kindly. I know i've been guilty of being harsh. Not intentionally, but it perpetuates the cycle. You break up , treat the next person poorly, they're damaged , and treat their next partner with similar disdain. An ugly loop.

Kris said...

Marie - :) Hope it helps, in some weird way!

Anon - Good. I like punching throats.

k - Agree with everything you said. And I've done that - what that girl who got dumped did? Yeah. Been there, years ago. Won't make that mistake again... but a couple of drinks in a distracting social setting is good. Everything in moderation, and with a clear head.

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