Wednesday, January 11, 2012

He's Gonna Win Someday

Our favourite neighbourhood perv, Masuka, likes to ensure that I update my blog-o on the regular. So he sent me a bajillion topical emails; I'm posting some of 'em here with answers for my dear fiend. I mean... friend:

You've been brunette long enough, when are you going to go redhead?

My hair was red for a bit. My hairdresser also wants me to go really red... but I feel like everyone's doing that. I like the dark for now. Shutyerface.

Are you still looking for other jobs even though you're so busy with your current gig?

Non. Keeping very busy with current gig. Sourcing clients is, in itself, gig-hunting.

Has Daisy ever not liked a boy you brought home?

Daisy is a hussy. She likes all boys, everywhere. She's only barked at two people in her life, and I think they were drug dealing murderers who stole her puppies and fed her uncooked Brussels sprouts. These are my assumptions.

No.. more.. Brussels... sprouts!

You said Daisy was gonna be the mascot of your company, yet i see her nowhere in any of your company logos... why do you hate her?

Guh. Since when is 'logo' synonymous with 'mascot'? If that were the case, my mascot would be the letters M and H. She's the mascot. It's her company, I just work here. Who's the bitch?! Me, obviously.

Can a dude and a girl ever truly be friends? Don't you feel like any dude you're friends with right now is only that cuz you wont sleep with them and given the opportunity, they would sleep with you?

I blogged about this long ago. And now I feel depressed because most of my friends are male. But I'd like to think that we're all actual friends. Or most of us, anyway. Some of 'em are dirty pirate hookers.

Can you explain why you're so insecure when you're so hot? ...and where were you when i was in highschool?

I'm not as insecure as I used to be. I am what I am what I am. And when you were in highschool? I was in a heavy metal band called "Flesh Eating Death Monsters" and we were touring Europe. But our drummer  left us to start a Christian rock band, and then I ruined my vocal chords in the Glasgow Screaming BitchFest of '99, so... here I am. Hi.

Flesh Eating Death Monster
Did you notice i used the appropriate version of "you're"?

Did YOU notice that I fixed the grammar, punctuation and spelling of each of your questions?

How tempted are you to correct other people's grammar when they talk to you? Like if a dude is hitting on you in the bar and says "I seen this guy", don't you just wanna smack him and be like you're too stupid to date me.

 Yes. I'm liable to hit the dude and steal his beer. It's a problem I have.

I notice you like rock dudes and hang out with a lot of them... and you're a rock chick... but do you have a dirty little secret? Like.. do you secretly like star trek nerds?

I'm a sucker for a hot geeky dude. But hell, I dunno my tastes anymore. I like stuff.


By the way, i still have a ps2 and rock band that I've been holding for you for 7 months. When are you going to come pick that up?

Right now. I'm outside your window. Knock knock.

Why are you single?

It's my new hobby. My next hobby will  be yodeling. And after that? Boyfriend-having.


Masuka said...

I DID notice you fixed all my punctuation! Thanks!

Kris said...

That's what I do!

J Money said...

I wrote an entire spiel on why guys/girls can't just be friends and your blog didn't post it. I'm not writing it again.


Kris said...

Sometimes my blog is an assmonkey. Sorry. :(

Mike D. said...

I'd like to hear some Flesh Eating Death Monsters tracks please. And some yodelling.

Kris said...

It's painful to think of the past, D. Oh, the memories.

Alyson said...

Have you seen this? "Why Men & Women Can't be Friends", it's actually pretty hilar

Anonymous said...

Don't go red! Stay black/brown whichever it is, it looks so amazing!

Kris said...

Alyson - Haha, I did my own study like this once. Sadly, same conclusion. But I'll believe what I wanna! hahahaha

Anon - Ok! I won't. And thanks.

Shmiggy-Shmiggy-Co-Co-Puff said...

Holy crap monkeys - I can't stand it when someone says "I seen a guy" or "I seen that movie". Who taught you English?!!?

Also, I wonder how your blog would be without Masuka's input. He entertains me!

Also, I don't envy you. I'll never fully understand what it's like to be a hot woman, but I imagine it's a lot like being a cloud. Everyone wants to touch it, but no one can reach that high.

Kris said...

Smack, I nearly spit out my coffee at your cloud comment.

Yes, Masuka is like my muse. My pervy, pervy muse. When I'm boring or busy, he keeps this damn blog from dying. You should meet him one day!

Friend said...

Tell him to save some of those questions so you'll make more video blogs!

Kris said...

Trust me. He's got lots!

Dave said...

Its not uncommon for people who use "i seen this guy" to follow up with this...


Kris said...

hahahaha - you're right!

Hamiltongerx said...

Sometimes my blog is an assmonkey. Sorry. :(

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