Wednesday, June 27, 2012

You Are Only Coming Through In Waves

I'm not an asshole.

Consider yourself judged.
Ok... sometimes I'm an asshole.

But, in this case, I consider it a public service. Which, in turn, makes this entire blog post a PSA.

So here it is. For those of you who constantly tweet, email, text, blog, and Facebook this stuff - lemme smack you upside the head with some (common) knowledge.

1. Sequence vs. sequins.

Examples of misuse:

"That old lady has bright pink sequence all over her dress!" 
Yeah. That lady is cool, and likes sequential outfits.

"My vacation photos are all out of sequins!"
Well then stop friggin' bedazzling your photos, asshat!

Word explanations:

Sequins - Shiny little things that were all over your mom's dresses in the 80's. And also on your outfits when you took dancing lessons as a kid, and jazz hands ruled your entire being. Ta-da.

Check out the sequence of these sequins.

Sequence: A following of one thing after another; succession. Also known as something that is neither shiny nor matching your tap shoes. Ya dig?

2. Conquer vs. concur

Examples of misuse:

"Math exams, I will concur you!"
How 'bout those English exams, eh Einstein?

"They say love is blind. I conquer."
Well, if you're conquering love, no wonder it's blind.

Word explanations:

Conquer: to gain or acquire by force of arm. Like this dude. He's all tough 'n shit.

Oh... hi. I conquer stuff.
Concur: to accord in opinion; agree. Not to forcibly take over something - that's not very agreeable at all, is it?

3. Should of/ Could of/ Would of vs. Should've/ Could've/ Would've

Example of misuse:

"We should of gone shopping today."
Yes. Let's all of. Because of is a verb. A sexy, sexy verb.

"I could of been a teacher."
You could of. I conquer. (That physically pained me to type.)

Word explanations:

"Should of" (etc.) does not exist. What you mean to say, my little monkeys, is "should've". Say it back to me, now. Should've. That's right.

It stands for "should have". Y'know... like how you "should have" paid attention in grade 3. Or "could have" asked a 5 year old what these words mean. And "would have" likely hit me in the face if I told you this in person.

Shoulda coulda woulda. But didn't.

I'm nowhere near done with this, so expect a follow-up post. But for now, my brain hurts.

Professor K, out.


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