Thursday, November 15, 2012

You Want To Travel With Her, & You Want To Travel Blind

When tough situations come along, it always makes me re-think many of my major decisions. One big change can leave me vulnerable to options and questions that hadn't really occurred to me before.

Because of this and an emotional week, a conversation I recently had with a very smart man has stuck with me. It's the idea of home: what is 'home'?

I was born and raised in St. Catharines, and moved to Toronto in 2008. Since I first moved, home has taken on many forms. Lifestyles and situations have come and gone, things have ebbed and flowed. For me, home is more of a feeling than an actual location - often the result of people, not places.

Right now, in this apartment, it does not feel like home. I don't know that it ever has. This March I'll have been here for 2 years, and yet I haven't bothered to paint or truly put my personality into my own space. It's not a reflection of me. It's where I live, where I work, but my heart isn't in it.

Even now, when I refer to the house I grew up in back in St. Catharines, I call it home. But home is more of a reference to my parents, to family, and to the majority of my life having been lived there. My dog is another piece of home; likely the greatest comfort I have, and she's with me through everything. We are a package deal, always.

Relationships, significant others, also end up becoming home to me. Love, familiarity, bonds, comfort... that's my definition of home. And as those change, so does the feeling that I'm where I need to be.

So, at this point, anywhere could be home. Any city, any place; here or somewhere entirely new. But home is just not within these walls. I'm not sure where to start in order to figure out where I need or want to be - whether a small change or a big one will give me the result I'm looking for. So until I do, Toronto is still where I hang my hat. At least for now. But the options are starting to seem endless.

What constitutes 'home' for you?


Eric Freeds said...

Hmm, this reminds me of the Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeroes song "Home" there's a line where Edward is like "I follow you into the park, through the jungle through the park" where I want to say he's talking about the people around him making him feel like he's at home lol.

On an aside hope all is well, we still need to grab a pint of 50!

Shevy said...

I flip flop... When I go back to my parents to visit that's always a place of comfort and I love seeing my old friends... and sometimes Victoria really feels like home. Other times, I can't wait to get back to Vancouver, to where I live now, to my current home.

I'm like you, I find it's not just the walls, but the people I surround myself with that makes where I live feel like home... and my demonic little beasts too. Pets always love you and that helps you feel safe and at home.

When life is full of turmoil all I want to do is go home and crawl into my bed, whatever walls my house them, but when the turmoil is at home too, I don't really feel safe anywhere.

I think if you're going to be in your apt for longer, you should take a weekend and make it feel like home. Put up pictures, paint the walls, add textiles to make it warm... do whatever you need to make it feel like home. And if it's the apt that really just puts you off... start looking for a new place to live.

For me, if Victoria had the same job opportunities as Vancouver and the same music/arts/sports scene, I'd move home in a heart beat, but since that's just not the case, Vancouver is home. So I've set about making Vancouver feel as much like where I belong and where I want to be as possible. But having the right apartment has helped me with that a lot! You're lucky... you can drive or train or bus back to St. Kits pretty easily or even live in between there are Toronto... if I tried that I'd have to get really good at treading water or not getting so sea sick!

Christine Pantazis said...

I had those same feelings for a really long time. I wondered if I'd ever really get those roots planted...
5 years of marriage, the purchase of a Condo and adopting a dog did it.
Now I feel like "Home" surrounds me - everywhere.

It takes different things for different people.

Kris Goetz said...

I think those same things will end up doing the same for me. Luckily, the dog already does.

Kris Goetz said...

Yeah, I've been looking for a new place to live, just not aggressively. This has always been a transition place for me. Now I'm not so sure which city I want to be in, nevermind apartment.

But hey - if you ever need a change, come on out this way! ;)

Kris Goetz said...

That lyric is exactly right. I thought of that song when writing this, too. And yep, a 50 shall be had!

Christine Pantazis said...

but seriously... I think Sumo is what FINALLY did it. LMAO

E said...

I'm a terrible person, just saw you replied to this ...5 months later yikes. I had 50 on Friday randomly. But yeah, pick a time and we'll grab a pint!

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