Friday, February 8, 2013

Watch The World Explode From Underneath Your Glow

Snow. Yes, my Southern Ontario friends, that's what you see out your window. We live in Canada, and it happens.

What most of you are not used to is being house-bound. A lot of people had snow days from work, school closures, plans cancelled, or a weird, irrational fear of frozen water falling from the sky. And now you have no idea what the crap to do with yourselves since you refuse to leave your house.

Well, I can help.

Hermit Expert, at your service.
We all know that I often go through random bouts of hermit-life where I refuse to leave my house for anything but dog walks. So I guess you could call me an expert on the subject, maybe even a genius. Maybe. But here are some things you can do to occupy your time while the weather kills your social life. (And anyone calling it Snowmageddon is getting a slap in the face from me, ya dig?):

1. Watch Horrible Movies

That's right, I said horrible. The kinda movies you're almost embarrassed to be watching. The ones that make you yell things at the screen like somehow the awful plot twists are an actual personal insult to you. Why? Well, you don't want to watch the good ones that might make you cry - because once you realize that you're sitting alone in your living room, crying, you'll start to question your life choices. Really.

Boo-urns to bad movies.
2. Re-organize Every Damn Thing In Your Home

Seriously. I did this last month. Every room, every drawer, every cupboard - even everything on my computer and every single one of my emails. All. Friggin'. Organized. You may feel slightly crazy while doing it, but it passes the time. And when you're done, your mind is clearer. Clear enough to think "Holy shit, I just spent Friday night organizing my spoons and forks. I'm going to die alone."

3. Read.

Remember books? Yeah, they still make those things. And no, Twitter is not a book. Some of my favourites are The Great Gatsby, Wuthering Heights, anything by Klosterman, and Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas is always fun. But you can also read the entire collection of Sweet Valley High books in a matter of hours. Not to say that I've done it... but I've done it. Those damn Wakefield twins are full of hijinks and other bullshit.

Books. They're made with paper now.

4. Skype With Another Shut-In Loser

Misery loves company except when you have to actually be near another person. So yay internet, Skype lets us talk to people without actually having to personally interact with them. You can bitch to each other about how you're, like, so bored... and how you're totally missing whatever event was cancelled due to snow. If you're really reaching, yes - Skype counts as socializing. So you're not a complete loner yet.

"Lemme hang up and call back!"

5. SLRDP (Solo Living Room Dance Party)

This term is trademarked, it's mine. And I have 'em all the time. Throw on some tunes and dance around like an idiot. The dog might judge me, but no one else can. As they say, dance like no one is watching... and the guy in the house across the street DOESN'T COUNT.

6. Leave The House

The fires of hell are not waiting for you outside your door. You can leave -  you have that option. Throw on your snow boots, grab a hat, bundle the hell up, and go walk somewhere. Walking is safe, and surely there's somewhere you can go within walking distance.

But if that all seems too frightening, then please refer to options 1 through 5. And if you're smart, you planned ahead and are stocked with beer and bad food.

Camouflage dog on duty.

  Happy snow day, hosers.


eggi said...

Oh yeah i LOVE snow! I wish to live in canada with the 100% Snow guarantee. But i have to deal with my poor bavarian "5cm wooohooo" - snow days. (or went on a daytrip to the Alps)

So, i choose option 6! (althoug option 5 sounds very funny) I'm leaving the house and enjoying the winter as much as i can! Its always too short.

Anonymous said...

Do you ever answer to anonymous users?

Mike D. said...

So did you follow your own advice?

Kris Goetz said...

Hmm... maybe a bit of it.

Kris Goetz said...

I'm not a big fan of winter usually... but we actually didn't get much snow last year, and might not get much more this year. It's always a toss-up!

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