Tuesday, February 5, 2013

You Are Not To Blame For Bittersweet Distractors

A recent email exchange with Masuka got me thinking a bit - why do so many people ask if they can see me cry?:

Masuka - So can i make you cry? I wanna make you cry.

Me - No thanks. I'd rather not. I'm certain you could, but I also might punch you if you try.

Masuka - I wonder if i could make you cry without even saying anything? A challenge!

Me - I'm going to punch you. Why would you want to make me cry?

Masuka - I like to see you vulnerable. you always have this big girl wall up

Me - Yeah. So people can't hurt me. But they do anyway, so yay! You don't wanna see me cry. People think they do, until they see it... then they don't know what to do. It seems like a fun project til you actually get me crying.
So don't.

Ah, the walls. Yes... I have many. Apparently so many that the majority of people in my life have never seen me cry. My own cousin, who I've known and been close with all my life, did not see me cry until 2006. My "big girl walls" as Masuka calls them are there for a reason, as some way of protecting myself - but the reality is that they aren't very effective.

Truth? I'm normal. I cry. When things go bad, I cry constantly and randomly. No control. This past month was a rough one, and the crying became so random that I started to worry about hormones. Surely, something was wrong with me. And there was - the problem is that I feel stuff, guys. I don't mean to alarm you, but it's true. Your ol' pal Kris has these crazy things called "emotions".

So while I often act like I don't give a shit about most things, there's a good chance that I actually do. And my barriers and walls tend to be no more protection than a cardboard fort (and way less fun).

Normal bitches cry sometimes.
But for all the people who have asked me to cry in front of them because the idea of me crying is such a bizarre thing - sorry, it doesn't really work that way. If I allow myself cry in front of you, it means all my walls and barriers are down, and I am actually, honestly vulnerable in front of you (yikes). You must be pretty important. There aren't too many of you.

And Masuka? I'm not crying 'til you do. Take down those big girl walls!


Nick S said...

This resonates with me.

I don't cry EVER. My ex made me cry (first time since '09), and I honestly kind of resent her for it a bit.

My reasons for not doing it are probably different though. That said, I don't look down on anyone for crying, but for me it's a personal decision.

Hope you don't have any reasons to cry today, Kris. :)

Kris Goetz said...

I know what you mean about the resentment. "How dare you make me feel FEELINGS!". Haha.
Funny thing is, I used to not cry at all. Then one day it all changed. There are usually reasons for it, of course, but man... it's weird.

Nick S said...

Well, if I'm self-analyzing a bit, I think it's something like... I like to share my happiness with people, keep my sadness to myself.

Yeah, weird is right. I'm the opposite - I used to cry all the time.

Leah McNulty said...

And when you did cry in front of me, it was so upsetting that I vomited. True story.

Kris Goetz said...

Hahaha, I was gonna include that in the blog but didn't know how to explain it properly. "I'm so sorry that you're sad, and I'm here for you, but can you just hang on a second while I go throw up over there?"

Mike D. said...

Just don't cry on camera cause that would be awkward.

Kris Goetz said...

Eek, I hope that never happens. I don't see how it could, unless someone was secretly taping me.

Christine Pantazis said...

Crying? DOH! Ok, so at home I am totally a cry baby. Commercials, sentimental movie scenes and so on. It's only when extremely hormotional.
That said. I'm not like that in person or in public. I try to keep it on lock down. :D It's ugly. lol

Kris Goetz said...

Same! I cried in public ONCE, years ago... but I ran away to an empty back room (in a bar) so no one would see me. That was a bad night, but I'll never cry in public again.

Dave said...

I haven't been a crier since losing a parent at an early age (10ish). What gets me though are docs like "Dear Zachary". However, tears of joy are often overlooked and here's a great example http://YouTube.be/OOpOhlGiRTM

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