Friday, June 28, 2013

You Are Not To Blame For Bittersweet Distractor

This week was a big step in figuring out some of the things that are wrong with my health, in an effort to finally get better. Between my stomach problems and newfound lung problems, I'm gonna get very used to doctors offices.

But the problem is that I've done my best to avoid most doctors for a long time. And so, the result is that I'm now easily confused and very awkward in these situations.

Sleep lab sounds way more fun.

Take, for example, those damn hospital gowns. Yesterday I had the pleasure of wearing two different ones for two different tests. The first one had three arm holes. So I put it on and had to step out of the change room to ask an old woman if I did it right.
"The back should be open, dear." was her answer. I explained that it had 3 arm holes and had to be wrapped around somehow. "Oh, then that should be right. That means you don't have to show everyone your backside." And indeed, when she got up to get her x-rays, I did see her backside.

The second gown was a different story. It had to be open in the back, that much I knew. But at the risk of showing everyone in the ultrasound offices my ass, I decided to tie it all up the wrong way and make a cute little oddly-fitting dress. That is, until I got to my ultrasound and couldn't undo the damn thing. Awkard. (But not as awkward as the ultrasounds themselves.)

When it came to bloodwork, I saw 3 large vials and asked if I had to have three needles. She said yes, because she didn't understand the question. In automatic panic mode, I looked away and kept rambling about something stupid. Weather, or how socks got their name. The first needle came. Then some pressure for awhile... more pressure... but no second needle. I started visibly wincing in preparation for the secret second needle, to the entertainment of other people waiting, but it was already done. Stupid doc-phobic me had no idea that they switch vials while the same needle is in. Ah, technology.

This was my attempt at a positive attitude before a morning full of tests. It helped.

So I'm learning. And since it looks like I'll have many more tests to come, I'll start to get a hang of this crap. Thus far the only new things that have been discovered before the reports come in are a thyroid problem and a crooked spine that I never knew about (which was unrelated to anything I was sent there for).

I hope my future tests allow me to be fully clothed. 


blepharisma said...

Aw, muffin. I'll make you more grilled cheese. I figured out what was wrong with the ones yesterday. Not enough swiss. The cheddar wasn't gooey enough to replace any swiss, so it was too dry. The one I made today was much better. We'll have to have a grilled cheesus competition at the cottage.

(FYI: Disqus seems to be forcing people to get disqus accounts, even if you choose the option to sign in w Twitter. Booo!)

Kris Goetz said...

The grilled cheese was good! Maybe you're crazy. But I'll never say no to more cheese on a sammich.

And I'm sorry that Disqus is being a jerk.

Pat Zaph said...

I hate the three vial blood tests. Fucking HATE them. Especially when they don't tell you they're taking three and just swap the vials while you're sitting there going "AREN"T YOU DONE? WHY AREN'T YOU DONE???"

Kris Goetz said...

Ha! Agreed... but in my case, thinking there would three different needles and having three vials instead was waaay better.

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