Thursday, August 8, 2013

They Know Your Secrets & You Know Theirs. This Town Is Crazy, Nobody Cares.

Through the years I've talked ad nauseum about how I'm happiest in relationships, and that remains true. One of the reasons is because of the support system a relationship brings. In that kind of partnership, you have someone to go through everything with.

Sometimes it's the two of you against the world. You've always got that person at your side.

When I somewhat recently became single again, it was just as I had finally started seeing a few doctors in an attempt to fix all of the things that I knew were wrong with my health. The problem was that I'd go to an appointment and have tests for one ailment, and they'd find something unrelated that was wrong with me. Something I never had any idea about.

This is still happening. The list grows.

My last appointment was to go over some test results, and I went in with a pretty positive attitude. After all, figuring out the problems meant they can get treated, right? But I received no good news. In fact, the news I received was quite bad. New problems were discovered, the issues I had turned out to be worse than we thought, and when the c-word (the medical c-word, that is.) was thrown in as a potential issue, I think I was in shock.

Needless to say, I cried in the public bathroom at my doctor's office after that meeting. A moment of sheer weakness; I was overwhelmed. But more than that, I felt completely alone.

And this is when it's hard to be solo. Before, if I was crying in that bathroom, I would've called my significant other. I would've felt better knowing someone was with me through it all. But my situation went from "we'll get through this" to "I'll get through it by myself". Yup. Damn right I will. It's just harder without that one person in your corner. They give you strength when you really need it.

I'm lucky enough to have some pretty great people to turn to. I messaged my sister and Masuka when the bathroom crying had run its course. They gave very different types of support, both much needed. And when I explained my results to my parents, their responses made the waterworks start again - knowing they're there for me is pretty huge, though I hated giving them reason for concern. No one wants to make their parents worry.

Facing tough health problems, especially those that come as a surprise, have a way of making me feel extremely alone. I may be a tough chick, but scary stuff is just that - scary. Having a partner makes it a little less so.

I'm now realizing that a single chick's support system is a different kind than I was used to. It doesn't come from a boyfriend or significant other anymore. It comes from family. From close friends. And hell, I won't lie... it also comes from the dog. (I may or may not have come home and cried a bit while hugging Daisy. Don't you judge me.)

This post is more personal than I've written in awhile, although I've always been very open about health issues. Anxiety/depression, stomach and otherwise. But this one feels different. It doesn't seem right to share specific details. Some of the procedures and/or surgeries I'll need to go through aren't too frightening. It's just when cancer becomes a "maybe" that you think "Aw, shit. I never believed it would happen to me. What did I do wrong?"

Gotta face our own mortality, I suppose.

And this single chick is more than grateful to be facing it with the support of her favourite people. You all know who you are, and you make me feel less alone. Thanks to you, I can kick some ass.



Craig said...

Rambler. I think you know this, but it's important to remind you, support is never more than a call or email away. A short drive. Whatever. Thats a lifetime perk with you and I ok.

Alma said...

While I was in a couple of different relationships, I had a couple scares of my own. It runs in my family, so finding stuff and then finding out I was right to worry was pretty awful. Luckily, in my case, it wasn't the big bad. The first time, I kept it all to myself because I was in a bad relationship and didn't feel like I could tell him. I didn't want to be a burden or to worry anyone either. It's good to tell people, but to not have an expectation that they'll be there for you. In my case, after the fact, he didn't want to know. For the other relationship, we were already breaking up at the time, and again, he didn't care to know. It sucked, but I found a lot of inner strength and realized that--for some things--you really have to be on your own. The people who have always been there will be there in the ways they can--but those ways can be shocking and inadequate. Oddly enough, strangers gave me the most support. When times are hard, it's surprising where you'll find love and guidance.

I had a rough year, myself. I almost died on Easter. I was shocked by how easy it was for me to get through majorly scary shit, at least physically. People were there who I never thought would be there, and others weren't. I learned who I can count on. Afterwards, I went through more crap--scary tests and finally figuring out what was going on. Now, I'm doing the right stuff (or trying to) and even doing alternative medicine--finally valuing me over work or school or everyone else. It's an odd feeling. I still have a ways to go, health-wise, but it's better.

I hope things get better for you. It takes guts to face what you know isn't right. <3

Kris Goetz said...

Sorry things were so rough for ya, Alma. But it sound like you've got strength, and are being good to yourself. That's really all we can do, right?

Alma said...

I'm actually glad things happened the way they did this year. I had a lot of surprises, which ended up healing other things. I definitely wouldn't have made the major changes I've made without it. I feel better than I have in years, so it's a net good thing.

Masuka said...

I hear that Michael Jackson song......

Kris Goetz said...

Exactly. You're my Michael Jackson. I your Janet?

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