Friday, October 11, 2013

I've Lost It All, I'm Just A Silhouette. A Lifeless Face You'll Soon Forget.

Recently, in a conversation about getting older, someone said to me, "Ugh, don't you just wish you were 24 again?". I had a knee-jerk response and was surprised by the immediacy of it, so I thought about the pros and cons to figure out why I was so automatically sure of my answer. Did I want to be 24 again?

Nope. Hell friggin' no.

Me and my Leah at 24. Classy and sophisticated. This must be at a gala.

I don't want to be 24.

I don't want to spend too much time in bars, with 5am being a normal bedtime.
I don't want to be living with my parents, not yet properly able to appreciate how much they do for me.
I don't want to be dealing with (or crying over) boys who were so very wrong for me.
I don't want to be in a rut, and make the wrong decisions as a result.
And most importantly, I don't want to have to go through all the same things in the 6 years since then.
That's exhausting. I've done it.
I want to be 30.

I want to be independent, responsible for myself.
I want to spend my Saturdays exploring the city & taking long walks with those I love (instead of hungover).
I want to have a Friday night at home, without the fear of missing out.
I want to run my business and work my ass off toward my goals.
I want nights out with friends, without the 20-something drama.
I want to do shit my way, on my terms. All the time.
Cuz I can.

I want to be what I am. And I'm 30.

At 30. Tongue in mouth, dog on lap, dinner on stove. Cuz at 30, we cook.

The idea of going back and getting a second shot has always been appealing to me, truth be told. If we could go back and fix mistakes we've made & regrets we may have, I'd be pretty happy. And 24 would be a key year in that respect. But for the sake of this conversation, it wasn't about fixing anything - it was just going back and living it all over again. Although 24 held some of my favourite times with amazing people, I don't need to re-live it or the following years. (Fun fact - I was 24 when I started this blog. Yikes.)

Whoever the hell I was then is partially responsible for who the hell I am now. And in those 6 years, I made many mistakes, had many regrets, and learned way too much to just suddenly forget it all.

So if you want to go back to your twenties, more power to ya. I'll stay right here.

(But if I can somehow harness my 24 year old self's metabolism & ability to exist on hardly any sleep, that would be real peachy. Thanks.)


Christine Pantazis said...

Great Post!!!
Truth be told... I AM HAPPY to be cough-orty. ;)
I am who I am because of the mistakes I made and the lessons learned. I am independent, free and love working on building my business.
No FOMO - yet from time to time there is drama ... the great thing is, I CAN REMOVE MYSELF FROM IT! Amazing. I just walk away, turn off, or cut people off. Nice and easy.
I don't care what people think of me as much. I feel more comfortable in my skin, and I'm ready for the next parts of my life.

PS. My 30's were the best time of my life. BEST!

Enjoy them before they're over.

YouRockRed said...

This is a great manifesto. One of my best friend's turned 32 on Friday and we talked about how we wouldn't go back but what we were looking forward to. Also, Savages "She Will" came on as I went to comment so I think the music Gods know you're going to accomplish all that you are about to at 30! :)

Kris Goetz said...

I agree, they are definitely lessons. But if I had the chance to fix a few of them, I'd call them "mistakes" for that purpose only. Since I can't... everything is a lesson. (And yeah, neat packages with bows are boring as hell!)

Kris Goetz said...

Ha! I always trust the Music Gods. They never let me down!

Danger Owl said...

Wait till you're 40.

Kris Goetz said...

Bring it on.

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