Friday, December 13, 2013

Let Me Grab Your Soul Away

This video has been circulating online a lot, as well as another poem that extols the virtues of dating girls who read.

Have a look, if you need reference:

I agree. You should date a girl who reads - and I mean any and all types of books. But I have my own reasons why.

Firstly, what makes me an expert on bookworm chicks? I am one. I grew up with my nose constantly in a book, I spent my formative years checking stacks of them out of the library weekly, and all those books are the reason I knew I wanted to be a writer from the age of 5. And so I wrote.

Belle. That bitch loves the books.
Though recently I had a year or two where I didn't read quite as much (the quiet gave me anxiety), I've finally obtained my Toronto library card (yes, I moved here in 2008. I know, know.) and have gone crazy with the books yet again. To prove my bookwormery, an outline of what I'm currently reading:

  • Light and Shade - Brad Tolinski (a Jimmy Page biography)
  • The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
  • Bossypants - Tina Fey
  • Lean In - Sheryl Sandberg (I'm female and own a business. It's an obvious choice.)
  • Torment Saint - William Todd Shultz (an Elliott Smith biography)
  • Everything Is Perfect When You're A Liar - Kelly Oxford 

So there ya go. And with all that experience under my belt (the experience of being female, and that of being a bookworm), here are the real reasons you should date a girl who reads:

- Chances are, she knows proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. (Notice how I used the Oxford comma there? Yeah, me too.) She can send you messages that convey actual emotion and meaning, not simply a series of letters that make no sense, such as (and this pains me greatly): "IDK, I'm like soooooooo xcited LMAO it's srs bsns kkkk??? [insert strange emoticons here]." Ouch. That really did hurt. And I'm still not entirely sure what it meant.

- She can probably tell stories in a way that keeps you interested, since she's learned the art of storytelling over years and years of absorbing various types of tales. "I went to the grocery store, and BOOM! There were the watermelons. Larger than my head, and greener than your face when you've had too much to drink." Yeah. Life's exciting like that.

Johnny reads. But we assumed that anyway.
- When she has a good book on the go, she won't nag at you for going off and enjoying your own hobbies. It gives her time to finish the book. Go build your model planes. Go watch men fight each other in tight shorts. Go play video games. She'll probably join you later, but right now she's gotta read.

- She's constantly learning, and is knowledgeable about a wide array of subjects. I'll use myself as an example: Life of Pi taught me that I'd never survive on a small boat with a rare tiger; Anthony Kiedis' biography taught me about... well, Anthony Kiedis; Alias Grace taught me about Canada in the 1800s, and Romeo and Juliet taught me that communication is pretty important in a relationship, or both of you nitwits will wind up dead. See? Learning!

Snoop reads. He should start a Snoop Bloggy-Blog.
 - Contrary to weird popular belief, girls who read aren't boring or necessarily prudish. We're normal. So maybe we'll read a book on our way to meet you to go skydiving/streaking/bull riding, but that's just making good use of our time. (Plus it helps to keep creeps away from us on public transit. We're not stupid.)

- Even though a woman likes books, she is still a woman. So for the "boob guys" and the "butt guys" mentioned in the video above - girls who read also have those things. In fact, we have all the woman-parts we're supposed to. Huzzah! They're not sold separately; they come included with the female bookworm package. Imagine that.

- We are awesome.

Marilyn Monroe thought reading was hot.
But at the end of all this, you shouldn't date a girl just because she reads. That's a silly reason, and hypocritical on my part since I don't exclusively date men who read. Would you date a girl just because she can play a bit of mediocre guitar, fold her tongue into three, and sing "O Christmas Tree" in German? You're damn right I just described myself.

The point is, you only need to date a girl because you dig her - and if she reads? Well, that's just a fantastically awesome bonus for you. Trust me.

(And for the record... no, I've never read, and never plan to read 50 Shades of Grey. Sorry.)


Snowpant said...

Reeding is overaided.

Tristan Cuschieri said...

Loooooooved Scar Tissue. I don't think I'd ever found a famous person's life as interesting as I found Anthony's when I read that.

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