Thursday, July 24, 2014

Because We Separate Like Ripples On A Blank Shore

Since I turned another year older this past weekend, I figured that my first post as a 31 year old should have something to do with getting older, & being a real live adult. Because sometimes I am that. But only sometimes.

There was a time when I wouldn't leave the house without my cell phone. Never. And if I accidentally did, it felt like I had temporarily lost a limb. (That's not at all over-dramatic, is it?) But at some point this past year, I started going on my daily dog walks without the phone. Three times a day, I've been disconnected and completely unreachable.Oh, did you need to call me and ask about my current long distance plan? Sorry, buddy. Left my phone at home.

Daisy stops to smell the flowers on my balcony. They smell like happiness and regret.

I spend hours a day in High Park, wandering through different areas & finding new hidden spots I haven't seen before. I used to take endless photos of the beautiful landscape - the trees, the water, the flowers, the animals, Daisy peeing on a fence while growling at an emu (really.). And now that I'm usually camera-less on these walks, I can no longer take constant photos of all the pretty things. Instead, I'm just enjoying them. Even "experiencing" them, if you wanna get nerdy about it. I don't always need a photo to make the most of things - maybe just sometimes.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one takes a selfie with it, then did the tree actually fall? Yes. Yes it did.

It isn't just about not taking photos, though. Being without the ever-present smartphone means that for a short little while no one can contact me. No texts, no emails, no calls, no social media. A lot of people around my age, especially fellow entrepreneurial types, work way too much - we are always, always connected. We need a break.

Yesterday I sat on a bench in the park, looking out over some tree-lined hills, gardens and water. There was a nice breeze, hardly any people around, and I just sat there doing absolutely nothing while Daisy played in the grass beside me. I just... sat. It was kinda perfect. When was the last time you did nothing?

We all suffered through that pain-in-the-ass Polar Vortex this past year; we've earned the summer & warmer weather. So the point of this post is this - take advantage of it. Take advantage of the bright early mornings, the warm afternoons and the light evenings. They all have an expiration date.

Get the hell outside - and leave your phone at home. (At least once.)

Ned Stark knows what I'm talkin' about.

Because winter is coming.



Thursday, July 17, 2014

Into The Flood Again, Same Old Trip It Was Back Then

It's been a long time since I've slapped everyone upside the head with my Grammar PSA from an Asshole posts. So I'd say we're due, wouldn't you? Because frankly, some of this stuff has been piling up in my brain and making me crazy - it would be selfish not to share this with you guys. So now (hopefully) we can prevent people from angering us with their non-words and messed up punctuation.

Are we ready? No? Too bad. 
My dogs are laughing at your bad grammar.

Here are a few new offenses:

1. Should've / Should Of (Would've, Could've, etc)

Example of Misuse:

 "I should of listened in grade 2 English class."
I'm confused, is "of listened" a verb? In that case, let's all go "of listening" this weekend. You drive.

Word explanations:

Look, I may be a well-intentioned but imperfect Grammar Asshole - but I'm not a total asshole. I understand where people got this from, I'm just making an attempt in vain to fix it. So here's the info: should've is a contraction, a substitute for "should have". See? Simple! The problem is that people (and I do mean us as a whole) are lazy; they hear "should've" and think it means "should of".

But come on. You're smarter than that. What the hell is a should of?!

*I realized after posting that this offense was included in my first Grammar Asshole post. Bears repeating. (And no, not bear's repeating.)


2. Nuptials vs. Nuptuals

Example of Misuse:

"I'm so excited for your upcoming nuptuals!"
Well, unless "nuptuals" is another word for "use of non-existent words", your sentence is untrue.

Word Explanation:

We tend to take real words and change the way they're pronounced - again, because we're lazy. The correct word for a wedding is nuptial. Nup-shuhl. But for some reason, everyone pronounces this fairly easy word nup-shoo-al.

And that is wrong. Now you know. So stop it.

Remember Jim & Pam's nuptials? That was, like, so nuptual of them.

3. Seen and Saw

Example of Misuse:

"I seen your mom at the grocery store - she says you're awful."
Since it's impossible to seen a person, I'm betting you saw her. And she's right - I am awful.


Word Explanations:

I know this one confuses the crap out of you, my lovelies. I know that. So lemme help. Unless you're throwing "have" in between the words, don't use "I seen"! The sentence above should be "I saw your mom at the grocery store" - but if you've been hangin' out at your local Loblaws way too much and my mom happens to have been there too, then you can say "I've seen your mom at the grocery store". But you never, ever, EVER just plain "seen" anything.

Am I getting through to you? No? Ok, on to the next.

See this? You've now seen a saw.

 4. It's vs. Its

Example of Misuse:

"I just moved to a new house; its modern."
Its modern does what? And how does a house have its very own modern?! Ouch. My brain.

"The goat at the zoo is feeding it's babies."
That sentence says the goat is feeding it is babies. Yes, feeding it is babies. You think about that and tell me if it makes sense. Go on, I'll wait.

Word Explanations:

Its - this is the possessive form of "it". "The pig ate its dinner" makes sense, because it is the pig's damn food and he can do whatever he wants with it.

It's - this is a contraction for "it is" or "it has". For example, "It's been a slice, but I'm tired of bitching about grammar."

If you're still confused, try this: when you're unsure whether your sentence needs "it's" or "its", try replacing it with "it is". If it works, use the contraction. If it sounds completely stupid, you're going to want the possessive version. Ya dig?

It's a pig eating its ice cream. On a tiny blue picnic table, as pigs do.

I think I've smacked you in the head enough with this, but here are a couple of quick hits so I can sleep better at night. Sleep is important.:

-  Expresso is not a word. The word you want is espresso. Unless it's really fast coffee.
-  "I could care less" means that you do care. You couldn't care less. You're heartless.
-  Anyway, toward, afterward - none of these words end with an "s". I promise.
-  "All intensive purposes" is not really what you meant, for all intents and purposes.
-  Irregardless is still not a word, regardless of how often you use it.


And after all of this, please remember that I only want what's best for you & your grammar. (And for me, because I have to read your Facebook posts.)


Friday, July 4, 2014

Heard It In The Wind & Saw It In The Sky

Bless me blogger, for I have sinned. It's been one month and two days since my last post, and these are my lame excuses.

Whoa. Apparently even when you haven't been to church in over a decade and Catholic school was a billion ages ago, some of that stuff just sticks with you - no matter how non-religious you may be. That's some religious glue right there.

But I digress. Hi. I have nothing of note to throw at your eyeballs in this particular post, more or less just checking in to let those who have wondered know I'm not dead (sorry), to explain that all work and no play makes Kris a boring chick (seriously), and to let you know that a preying mantis has only one ear (unrelated, but an informative tidbit nonetheless).

Pigs like fun stuff 'n junk.
I have about 6 or 7 half-written blog posts hiding in the ol' drafts folder, waiting for someone to make the time to properly finish them. I have not been that person. But as the summer rolls on, going way too fast as it always does, I'm forcing myself to make more time for the non work-related stuff. Step away from the spreadsheets and lists that don't necessarily need the constant updating, and go do more shit. Maybe that decision is a result of me thinking a lot about getting older (since I'm turning 31 on the 19th, my twenties are a distant memory at this point), and I worry that I'll regret not doing more.

And, of course, I will. I'll regret it.

Therefore, this is my attempt at remembering that a lot of my job can be fun, or I wouldn't bother working for myself. And that a balance between work and play is doable. Essential, even. So I've started planning more fun things for my summer and beyond, & am looking forward to learning how to relax a little more. I'm hoping some of you guys are going to assist me with that challenge. Just yell "Get away from the computer, you jackass!" and give me a beer. Easy.

Well, look at that. This post about abso-damn-lutely nothing went off on an odd tangent. See? I just made time for a tangent! That's called progress.

Happy Friday, Folks!




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