Thursday, July 17, 2014

Into The Flood Again, Same Old Trip It Was Back Then

It's been a long time since I've slapped everyone upside the head with my Grammar PSA from an Asshole posts. So I'd say we're due, wouldn't you? Because frankly, some of this stuff has been piling up in my brain and making me crazy - it would be selfish not to share this with you guys. So now (hopefully) we can prevent people from angering us with their non-words and messed up punctuation.

Are we ready? No? Too bad. 
My dogs are laughing at your bad grammar.

Here are a few new offenses:

1. Should've / Should Of (Would've, Could've, etc)

Example of Misuse:

 "I should of listened in grade 2 English class."
I'm confused, is "of listened" a verb? In that case, let's all go "of listening" this weekend. You drive.

Word explanations:

Look, I may be a well-intentioned but imperfect Grammar Asshole - but I'm not a total asshole. I understand where people got this from, I'm just making an attempt in vain to fix it. So here's the info: should've is a contraction, a substitute for "should have". See? Simple! The problem is that people (and I do mean us as a whole) are lazy; they hear "should've" and think it means "should of".

But come on. You're smarter than that. What the hell is a should of?!

*I realized after posting that this offense was included in my first Grammar Asshole post. Bears repeating. (And no, not bear's repeating.)


2. Nuptials vs. Nuptuals

Example of Misuse:

"I'm so excited for your upcoming nuptuals!"
Well, unless "nuptuals" is another word for "use of non-existent words", your sentence is untrue.

Word Explanation:

We tend to take real words and change the way they're pronounced - again, because we're lazy. The correct word for a wedding is nuptial. Nup-shuhl. But for some reason, everyone pronounces this fairly easy word nup-shoo-al.

And that is wrong. Now you know. So stop it.

Remember Jim & Pam's nuptials? That was, like, so nuptual of them.

3. Seen and Saw

Example of Misuse:

"I seen your mom at the grocery store - she says you're awful."
Since it's impossible to seen a person, I'm betting you saw her. And she's right - I am awful.


Word Explanations:

I know this one confuses the crap out of you, my lovelies. I know that. So lemme help. Unless you're throwing "have" in between the words, don't use "I seen"! The sentence above should be "I saw your mom at the grocery store" - but if you've been hangin' out at your local Loblaws way too much and my mom happens to have been there too, then you can say "I've seen your mom at the grocery store". But you never, ever, EVER just plain "seen" anything.

Am I getting through to you? No? Ok, on to the next.

See this? You've now seen a saw.

 4. It's vs. Its

Example of Misuse:

"I just moved to a new house; its modern."
Its modern does what? And how does a house have its very own modern?! Ouch. My brain.

"The goat at the zoo is feeding it's babies."
That sentence says the goat is feeding it is babies. Yes, feeding it is babies. You think about that and tell me if it makes sense. Go on, I'll wait.

Word Explanations:

Its - this is the possessive form of "it". "The pig ate its dinner" makes sense, because it is the pig's damn food and he can do whatever he wants with it.

It's - this is a contraction for "it is" or "it has". For example, "It's been a slice, but I'm tired of bitching about grammar."

If you're still confused, try this: when you're unsure whether your sentence needs "it's" or "its", try replacing it with "it is". If it works, use the contraction. If it sounds completely stupid, you're going to want the possessive version. Ya dig?

It's a pig eating its ice cream. On a tiny blue picnic table, as pigs do.

I think I've smacked you in the head enough with this, but here are a couple of quick hits so I can sleep better at night. Sleep is important.:

-  Expresso is not a word. The word you want is espresso. Unless it's really fast coffee.
-  "I could care less" means that you do care. You couldn't care less. You're heartless.
-  Anyway, toward, afterward - none of these words end with an "s". I promise.
-  "All intensive purposes" is not really what you meant, for all intents and purposes.
-  Irregardless is still not a word, regardless of how often you use it.


And after all of this, please remember that I only want what's best for you & your grammar. (And for me, because I have to read your Facebook posts.)


4 comments:

Mr Auto-Caress said...

I was recently sniffing about on a "friends" website where he proceeded to use to the sentence...


"Our professional approach and strong attention to detail leaves our clients 100% satisfied unlike how our competitors leave there's."


Needless to say, I didn't sleep a wink that night. Not one.

Mr Auto-Caress said...

I suggest an amalgamation.


There + their + they're = theiry're


Examples


Theiry're is a pineapple on my exotic bacon sandwich.



Theiry're on theiry're way to Paris to mock the French.



Theiry're was an inflatable beach-ball in theiry're onion soup.

Kris Goetz said...

Haha, you're my favourite!

Mr Auto-Caress said...

I bet you say that to all the grammar Nazis.

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