Friday, August 28, 2015

Hold On To Me Tightly I'm A Sliding Scale; Can't Endure Then You Can't Inhale

I'm lazy. This is a fact we all know, judging by how little I post these days. So this week we've got a guest post from my friend Adam - you may remember him from such films as "Dude, Where's My Czar?", and "Debbie Does Dallas (A Favour By Feeding The Homeless)". Or, you may just know him from past posts, like the one about the book he wrote

Yeah. That guy.

A few weeks ago over some beers and conversation that normal folks wouldn't understand, Adam made the poor choice of volunteering to guest post. So here it is. Adam's foray into blogging, featuring made-up stuff. Enjoy (?):


Here we are. You – the intent reader, and me – the often confused and less-than-stable-minded writer. You’re sitting there, reading the words I’ve written, anticipating something intelligent, moving or entertaining to be said and I’m sitting here writing words waiting for something intelligent, moving or entertaining to just show up in the form of the English language.

The sad truth is I volunteered myself to guest-write on this blog without actually thinking of any content. I was told specifically that I could write about anything I wanted.

I combed over a few ideas in my head, but ultimately they were all Trumped by this one piece of cliché advice I received from a friend: “write what you know.”

Wait, write what I know? I think maybe the only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing at all. My actual job, my 9 to 5, pay-the-bills, pay-the-rent job is a copy writer. What does a copy writer do? Makes shit up. Yes, I’m a professional make-shit-upper.

So write what I know. I know how to make shit up. So…. away we go.

So there’s this chick on the subway and she’s all reading this book and like her dog is there, too right? So like this chick is reading and like she’s kinda hot so these dudes are all eye-ballin’ her like they're caged wolves staring at raw steak.

So chick is all “OMG these dudes are all up in my business and I’m too cool to talk to any of them cuz they’re all losers n’ junk” – but not like…out loud n’ shit – more like in her head n’ shit.

So dudes is all “OMG I want to treat this chick like a pre-booked hotel room – get into it without having to talk to anyone or do anything special.”

So Dude A walks up to her and is all “Yo baby can I get yo numbah?” and chick is all “No bro you used ‘yo’ instead of ‘your’ – and thus said ‘yo’ twice so let me say this twice so you can be sure - NO-NO. Like a yo-yo but no-no.” And Dude A is all disheartened n’ shit and he’s all “Yo whatever yo” and exits the train while chick is all “HE JUST DID IT AGAIN!”

So Dude B walks up to this chick and is all “OMG you are so hot I could melt butter on you” and chick is all “NO HABLAS ANGLAIS” then Dude B is all “but I just heard you talking to Dude A” and she’s all “pardonez moi, si vous plais” which REALLY confuses Dude B cuz he’s pretty sure she does, in fact, speak English but now he’s wondering if the acid he took earlier is just now kicking in…so he leaves the train all like “ARE THE WORDS I’M USING STILL ENGLISH?! AHHHHHH HELP ME!!!”

So Dude C swags up to chick and is all “I’m Dude. I have lots of money cuz I’m a doctor. Friends call me Dr. Dude since I’m such a dude” and chick is all “I have no idea what that means” and Dr. Dude is all “OMG you’re speaking English to me” and chick is all “cuz I feel bad for you” then Dr. Dude’s like “why? I’m rich and fancy and sexy and dude” and chick is all “money can’t buy another chance for you to make a first impression” and he’s all “are you sure?” and pulls out this wad of bills. But chick is unimpressed with his material wealth, hugs her dog and says “I got everything I need right here with my bitch”.

But then Chris Pratt walks in, chick’s eyes meet his, they communicate telepathically and fall in love instantly.

Moral of the story: as long as you have a penis, making a good first impression on a female is next to impossible unless you’re Chris Pratt.


Praise be Pratt.

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