Tuesday, September 27, 2016

I Wanna Pull Out Your Crazy, & Pour It Over Me

Those who have been long-time visitors of this site (why?!) may recall a few different posts that I lovingly refer to as the Grammar PSAs from an Asshole. This is where we break down some of the over-used grammar and/or spelling mistakes that are rampant on the ol' internet, and smack folks in the face with some knowledge.

Well, it's been awhile. Too long, maybe. And the incidents are piling up.

So with the help of some friends (shout out to Bill Wellman for his solid list of offenses), it's time for a brand new post. Because only you can prevent forest fires.

I mean... bad grammar on the internet. Right.

1. Disorientated

Example of Misuse :

"Man, drinking 5 pints then getting on that roller coaster left me really disorientated."

Yes, well... allow me to explain-ate the error of your ways.


The word you're looking for is "disoriented". I can't ever figure out why everyone wants to add an "-ated" to so many words where they don't exist. Save yourself some syllables, you need the energy.

2. Irregardless

Examples of Misuse:

"I'm super smart, irregardless of my incorrect word usage."

 Yes. "Smart".


It's not a word. It just isn't. I've said it before, I'm sayin' it again.The word you're probably looking for is "regardless" and yet, once again, people have decided to incorrectly add syllables to create a word that doesn't exist.

Yes, I make up words constantly (and awesomely), but I don't claim that they're real in anyone else's vocabulary. Just mine. But "irregardless" isn't even a made-up word in my weirdo wonked-up world, so let's just make it go away.

Watching, judging, crying. Ordering a pizza.

3. Alot

Example of Misuse: 

"I like pie alot!"

I like pie too, but I like it a lot.


In keeping with what seems to be a theme, we have another word that isn't technically a word (though this comic wonderfully explains what you're doing wrong). It's two words, folks. That's right - two. A lot. A. Lot. Repeat it back to me. There you go. Proud of ya.

I dig that Alot, a lot.

4. On Accident

Example of Misuse:

"I ran over my ex-boyfriend on accident." 

Sure, ok. If Accident was the name of the street where you "accidentally" ran over the guy. Maybe.


First of all, that wasn't an accident. And secondly, nothing is on accident. Unless "accident" is an actual thing that you can place other items upon, like the aforementioned fictional Accident Street, you really mean by accident. If it was accidental, it happened by accident. Except in the case of running over your ex-boyfriend, that's just because you're bitter and have a license. S'ok. I get it.

(Sidenote: I realize that "on accident" has become an accepted conversational version among young people. But I'll never be cool with it. Can't. Won't.)

5. Colon

Example of Misuse:

See graphic above. It's real, people. These girls actually posted that.


This one might be my favourite, and I truly must thank the internet for bringing it to my attention. Where to begin here? Since the offenders appear to be younger women, I'll try to be nice. Ladies... the word you're looking for is cologne. I know, the spelling is confusing. But I promise, it's correct. A dude's colon, on the other hand, is not what you want your pillows to smell like.

I mean, I'm not trying to judge. Maybe you really are just that into your boyfriend's colon. If that's the case, I take it back. Go on with your colon-loving ways, chick.

6. Who's / Whose and Then/Than

Example of Misuse:

"Whose coming to my house to drink wine until we cry?"

Whose what?

"I'd rather eat a burger then a person."

Your appetite is admirable. Right after a burger, I'd think a person would be too filling. That's just me, though.


I put these together because I know they can be tricky, and in a similar way.

So. Who's = who is, or who has. Whose = possessive. Here's the correct way to do it: "Whose baby is this? Who's going to take it away from me?" See?

Then normally indicates time, or a series of events. Than is used with comparisons. "I'd rather punch myself in the face then throw myself off a bridge than ever have to hear that song again." 

Get it? No? I tried.

Well.. ok. Good to have a game plan, I guess. Sorry that you're dying tomorrow.

As usual, continue to send me your Grammar Asshole judgements. They amuse me, and you know I'll eventually have to do another one of these as the internet continues to make us dumber, lazier, and way more disorientated, irregardless of what we do on accident.

(Yeah. That hurt.)

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